Stag Page #2

You're sure now?

Totally sure.

Okay, great, 'cause

if you f*** up again,

I will personally

drag you off this set

by your hair, okay?

All good! Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, and, Clark?

Carl.

Easy on the door,

okay?

All right,

let's pick that up.

Shutting the gate

too hard.

I work out, so-

GUS:
Clark!

Well, that's everything.

Yep.

But, Sarah, I just-

Oh, gosh, Henry,

don't.

Don't do this, okay?

These things,

they happen all the time,

and the best thing to do

is just to...

just to move on.

But I live here.

Yeah, okay,

you know what?

Don't worry.

It's gonna be okay.

I'm sure you're

gonna meet someone,

you know,

'cause you're just-

You're just a really...

nice guy.

RORY:
You need

to come to this!

Okay, I'll go.

Yes! Yes!

Yes, you will!

Okay, fantastic.

I'm gonna need you

to pick up the stripper.

Whoa, what?

Yeah,

the stripper I hired,

she has no way

of getting there.

And? I need you to pick her up.

Why don't

you pick her up?

On my bike?

Oh, my God.

I don't have

a license, Luke.

Do you know why

I don't have a license?

Yes, I know, Rory. I'll tell

you why I don't have a license.

Because after my stag,

thanks to Ken,

I no longer have

a sense of depth perception,

and therefore am not allowed

behind the wheel of a car.

I get it, all right, but

that was four years ago,

and you

gotta get over it.

Oh! Oh!

Make no mistake,

I know exactly

how long ago it was,

and now the universe has

aligned itself to afford me

the opportunity

to show Ken

the same respect

that he showed me.

And I intend to. So if you

would please be so kind,

please,

pretty f***ing please,

pick up

the f***ing stripper!

Okay, I will. But first,

I have to call my wife,

and I have to lie to her,

and that's something I'm

not comfortable doing, okay?

So if you'll excuse me...

That is fantastic.

Say hi for me.

Her name's Candy.

Seriously, I'm

picking up a Candy?

Yeah.

Here's the address.

F***ing depth perception.

Okay, this is the address

of the club she works at

during the day, okay?

Now I have to go.

I'm masterminding the prank

and assigning

tasks to the guys.

Speaking of which,

do you have any Viagra?

No, not on me.

Okay, well,

search continues.

Hey, sweetie, how are you?

Now, Candy's expecting

you to pick her up

at the strip club at 5:00

sharp, so don't be late, okay?

Okay.

See you tonight?

Yes.

Sweetie... Sorry. Hold on

for one more sec.

Excuse me, 5:
00?

The stag is not until 7:00!

What am I gonna do

with a stripper

for two f***in' hours?!

[ sighs ]

[ door opens,

indicator beeps ]

You okay?

Two years.

Ah, f*** her.

All women are

a pain in the ass.

Two years, Paul.

I know, I know,

it's shitty.

It's shitty.

Plus, I don't like it

when people f***

with my friends.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Now let's just...

We'll go get drunk

before the stag, okay?

You'll feel better.

Okay.

She's watching.

You think she's having second

thoughts?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know,

but you know what?

You know what?

Now's your chance

to leave with pride.

Let her watch you leave.

Let her wonder

if she made the mistake.

Right.

Right?

Yeah. Pride.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

[ ignition grinding ]

What the f***

are you doing?

I don't know.

Aw, this is

f***in' embarrassing.

I know.

"Park, Brights... "

Who's that?

[ ignition grinding ]

Aw, cripes.

That's him.

[ ignition grinding ]

Son of a-

Wow.

He's pretty cool.

Oh.

[ ignition grinding ]

I don't think she's

having second thoughts.

Not only are you fired,

the second he un-jams

this door,

I'm gonna wring

your f***in' neck.

Hey, man, I said

I was sorry, okay?

I was just in character,

and I slammed it.

Character?

You're an extra!

You're a sack of meat that

happened to fit the damn jumpsuit!

Hey, man, I'm an actor.

I was just

in the moment, you know?

So sue me.

Oh, we're already

drawing up the paperwork.

Okay, so you can sue me.

Well, the spring

is busted.

The frame is jammed

into the concrete base.

So how long?

You know, they don't really

make them like this anymore.

I gotta get a guy

to come in from another

district, so if we-

How long?

At least three hours.

Oh, well that

is just great!

Great!

GUS:
All right, guys,

uh, we'll be taking

a three-hour break.

Looks like, uh...

we're gonna be

working into the night

to make up

for lost time.

[ crew groaning

and complaining ]

[ cell phone rings ]

Hey, can someone just grab

my cell phone from my jacket?

[ rings ]

It's over there

in my jacket.

Carl!

What the f*** man?

This is like the fifth message

I left for you.

I'm starting

to freak out over here.

I just need to make sure

that you're gonna be there

for me tonight, all right?

I'm counting on you.

Good night, Ken.

Oh, God! Aah!

Jesus, Mary,

what's the matter with you?

Are you okay?

You've been acting

really weird all day.

I need to talk to you.

No, no, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes.

I really do have to go.

Listen to me.

It is your job.

We've been working

together for a while now.

What's it been, two years?

Four years.

And you are

definitely qualified

to answer this question

because you know me.

Oh, I don't think I like

where this is going.

You have a tendency

to speak you mind a lot.

We both know this.

It's gotten you in trouble

quite a few times.

I really don't like

where this is going.

So I'm gonna ask you this,

and I want you to be

completely honest with me.

I need you to be

point blank, all right?

Am I a dick?

Yes.

No, I'm-

That was the question.

I'm asking you.

Ken, you're a dick.

You're the kind of dick who

thinks he's a funny dick,

so he pulls

jackass dick pranks

on his friends

and coworkers

that really

only get laughs

out of the other d*cks

in the office.

Well, that is until

those d*cks are sitting

having their dick

lunch at the dick table

with their dick friends

shaking their dick heads

in amazement at what a bigger

dick you are than all of them.

So, yes, Ken,

you are a dick.

Cool?

Yeah,

thank you very much.

[ upbeat music ]

Just come on

Here we go now

Come on, it's 5:
00.

Oh, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t,

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

LUKE:
Oh, sh*t, sh*t!

Luke?

Sh*t, sh*t!

WOMAN:
Luke!

Sh*t, sh*t.

It's me, Marsha!

Hi!

Hey, Marsha.

How are you?

Good!

We're just coming back

from Busy Bee.

You know, you guys have

to take Isabelle there.

It is so cathartic.

Yeah, well, you know what?

We will make a date.

I'll tell Liz,

and we'll all go.

So, good to see you.

Yes!

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, what brings you

to this neck of the woods?

[ funk music ]

Shopping. Shopping.

For, uh, Liz.

Shopping for Liz,

because I love her so much.

That is

the sweetest thing ever.

Isn't it?

Hi. Are you Luke?

No. No!

No. Yes!

I'm Luke.

I'm not the Luke that she... Oh.

[ coughs ]

So celebrities read

those magazines, too, huh?

Cool.

Totally cool.

You ever...

read any articles

about yourself in there?

Yeah, course,

you probably do.

That must be cool.

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