Stag Page #3

I'd love to be

in a magazine like that.

Love it.

Be awesome.

Oh, except, of course,

that whole thing

when you

went out and you didn't

have any underwear on.

They got

those pictures.

That sucked, but...

Ever since then,

I always make sure

I have underpants on

when I go out.

VERONICA:

Okay, you know what?

Why don't you just

stay over there

on your side

of the elevator,

and I'll stay right here

on my side,

and we'll just be

as quiet as we can be

until the guy comes

to let us out, okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, totally.

Totally cool.

Should, um...

Should work on

my screenplay anyway.

Kinda my passion

right now.

Oh, my God.

[ blues music playing ]

LUKE:
That is

when my dad walked in

and literally caught us

rolling the joints

in the moment, so...

[ laughing ]

Yeah, awkward.

That's hilarious.

How long ago was that?

Oh, jeez, um...

Wow. 17 years ago.

Oh, wow.

17 years ago.

I was 6

when that happened,

which is the same age

as your...

Same age

as my daughter.

Wow.

Hmm.

I mean,

my dad's, you know-

He's usually pretty-

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm a bit

of a Web nerd.

Yeah.

So, you're married?

Yes.

Happily married?

Yeah.

Yeah. Yes.

I mean, yeah.

I mean, every...

Every marriage goes

through a difficult period,

and you just

work through the...

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

I'm-I'm-I'm happily married.

Yeah.

Do you... ever play?

Sports?

[ laughing ]

Oh, I should probably

get you downstairs,

you know, 'cause you

gotta get, um... Right.

stripping-Um...

Are you gonna

be warm enough?

when you're down there,

you think?

Aw, for f***'s sake,

Henry!

People grow apart!

Besides, that guy's

nothing like you, right?

He's a total badass, and

you're a f***in' sweetheart.

Yeah. God, I wish

I was more like you.

Sure.

This tough-skinned guy that

never lets anything get to him.

Ah, I know.

What kind of woman wants a tough

guy, bad boy like that anyway?

Exactly. Pfft!

See the truck?

Piece of sh*t.

Tough on gas,

I bet.

F*** it!

Let him have her, right?

You just need

to find somebody

who suits you,

that's all.

For who I am.

Yeah.

Or I could

become tough.

Oh, for f***'s sake.

Like Jason Statham.

HENRY:
Why not?

Why not?

Because you can't

just become tough, Henry.

You know,

you're just kinda...

You're born with it.

You have it, or you don't.

What you gotta do is just focus

all your f***in' energy

on finding a woman

who loves you for you.

But who I am never gets

the woman he wants.

I should rethink

who I am.

Jesus, can we just

get f***ing drunk, okay?

And drop all

this psycho mumbo jumbo.

What's with your chest?

I think I pulled

a muscle trying to lift

your f***ing spirits all day.

Now let's get drunk!

Hang on. Hang on.

What?

Just

another question.

I should probably warn you

that these guys

can get a little wild.

I've been drinking with most

of them since high school,

and you know what?

A few of them can get a

little crazy. Just a heads up.

Am I safe?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

I mean, I think

you should be fine.

Great.

Don't worry about it.

I'll keep my eyes on you.

Ahem. I mean, not

when you're stripping.

I don't mean that

to be creepy at all.

Like, I'll wash your back.

Watch your back.

You're clean. I don't

need to wash your back.

I don't want the guys

to see me like this.

Say something nice.

Boost my spirits.

Your hair looks great.

Thank you.

Like a...

Like a sports guy.

Yes. See? Was that so hard? Let's go.

I'll see you

downstairs.

Aah!

Oh, my God!

[ laughing ]

Oh, my God!

Let's tickle

this Wild Turkey!

Ah ha ha!

Oh... what's up?

Surprised the wife

let you out tonight.

Please, like I need to ask

permission to leave my home.

Did you tell her

you're working late?

Surprised

you're out, eh?

Thought this guy'd be home

begging for a pity f***.

[ laughing ]

What?

See you guys downstairs.

Yeah. Yep, we'll

see you down there, Henry.

What's going on?

Nice.

What'd I do?

F***ing guy got

dumped today.

Oh, my God, again?

Yeah. Poor f***er.

I've been listening to him

piss and moan all day.

Aw, jeez. Well...

who knows, I mean, maybe now he'll

finally realize the truth, huh?

The truth.

The truth about what?

Hello? He's gay.

What?

What the f***

are you talking about?

Henry's not gay.

Are you serious?

You've never thought-

No! No! I think

you're f***ing gay

for thinking

that he's f***ing gay!

That dude has been my best

friend since grade four, Luke!

Grade f***ing four!

And as you know, I'm not a

big f***in' fan of the homos!

Easy, okay. Homophobic.

Easy. I'm sorry, all

right? I just thought-

No, you didn't think.

That's the problem.

You didn't think.

Just 'cause the guy's got a

little bit of a p*ssy handicap,

that doesn't automatically

make him a f*ggot, you know.

Okay, all right,

I'm sorry, all right?

Fine.

Let's go.

By the way, f*ggot?

Not so PC anymore.

One of the money,

two for the show

Three to get ready,

four for the dough

[ rap music playing

in bar ]

Luke!

So, no sign of Ken

or Carl.

Hey, look, Henry,

I'm really sorry

about what I said upstairs,

all right?

So, can we just let that go,

bust loose tonight?

Hey, did you guys bring

the stencil?

No, we didn't.

God damn it!

Okay, what about the Viagra?

Oh, come on.

Okay, let me think.

Just like old times,

huh, boys?

Huh? Have some drinks,

get a little crazy,

maybe prank Ken,

and then we'll

definitely see some p*ssy!

Uncle Luke?

Pam.

What are you...

I had a... I was just here

for a dinner up-

A business dinner

upstairs.

Yeah. Then I just came down

to use the bathroom.

So... yeah, these are

friends I ran into.

Hey.

Yeah, it's good.

You're working here?

Well, that's good.

How's Mom? How's your mom?

[ upbeat music ]

Okay

KEN:
[ whispering ]

Rory! Psst!

You seen Carl?

Hey, look! Ken's here!

[ cheering ]

Oh, hey!

LUKE:
There he is!

The man taking

the death march, huh?

[ laughter ]

Holy sh*t.

Where's Carl?

Have you seen-Carl!

Look, People are gonna

be looking for me!

LUKE:
No, no, no, like

you're walking down the aisle,

getting married.

You're taking

the death march, okay?

The death march?

Oh! [ laughing ]

MAN:

Scared! Scared!

Shut up, okay?

'Cause I know why you guys

are here, all right?

I'm gonna tell

you something right now,

whatever you've concocted

to f*** me up,

it's not gonna work.

It's not gonna work!

'Cause I'm gonna be

on point like a sniper.

I am going to be...

You scared him.

sharp as a tack!

I want to talk

to you a second.

KEN:
Whatever

you got planned, sorry!

I'm gonna bust

your bubble right now,

'cause you're not

gonna get me tonight.

It's not-It's not gonna

work out for you.

Look, Henry, you gotta

do me a favor, okay?

You gotta... You gotta

try to man up a bit.

What do you mean?

You know, just kind of

grow some f***ing balls,

act a little tougher.

Yes! I need to toughen up so

that I can get more ladies,

and, you know,

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