Stag Page #4

the-the-the p*ssy

and stuff like that.

Why do you keep

rubbing your chest?

Is your shirt soft?

It is soft.

Just stick close

by me tonight, okay?

Watch what I do and try

to pretend to be tougher.

Yes! I should get

a shirt like yours.

Stop being so obsessed

with my f***ing shirt!

Why are you so angry?

I'm not angry!

Angry. I know

when you're angry.

I'm not!

I know when something's

bothering you,

so just out with it.

Okay, okay.

But I swear to God, if you

say anything to anybody,

I will bite out

your f***ing tongue

and I will spit it

right up your a**hole.

Yeah, still sounds

angry though, but okay.

That's just how I talk.

Okay.

Okay, last week I was running

to catch this bus, right? And...

I felt sh*t jiggle.

Okay.

Oh, that's it.

Yeah.

Oh, Paul, um, that's what

happens when you get older.

I mean, stuff starts

to jiggle.

Henry, this is me.

I never used to give a sh*t

about any of that stuff.

I never cared how I looked.

Now I'm walking around

like half a f*ggot all the time,

worried about being out

of shape and out of breath,

and I get these f***ing

pains in my chest!

Wait, what? What?

Oh.

You have pains

in your chest?

Yeah, it's nothing.

I just-

I get this pain in the ass

pain in my chest.

I swear to God,

if you f***ing tell anybody.

[ siren ]

It's gas.

[ laughter ]

You're f***ing dead.

EMT:
You're gonna want

to release that. Mm-hmm.

My advice, go home,

drink some ginger ale,

drop a couple

of Alka-Seltzer,

let nature do the rest.

You boys play safe.

Thank you. Sweet.

You're not

the stripper?

Can I get

my $20 back?

Man! Friggin'

writer's block!

Uhh!

Been working

on this screenplay

for, like, 11 years.

Stuck in this writer's

block for, like...

eight years.

You gotta be

f***ing kidding me.

I'll tell you the part

I'm stuck at.

The, uh, hero dog,

he's a Bouvier,

takes off from his

owner's house, right?

And joins up with all

these neighborhood dogs

to go on an adventure.

So they're

in this alleyway,

and they find

this red wine,

then they go to this

crazy humping party, right?

So they're all,

like, doggy-wasted

and having

an amazing time,

and everyone thinks

that Barney-

Oh, that's

the Bouvier.

Barney the Bouvier.

Everyone thinks

he's, uh,

just, like, the coolest

doggy dude, right?

'Cause, well,

he scored the booze,

and, uh, he's just this,

like, good-looking beast.

So Barney's checking out

this hot poodle's ass, right?

When all of a sudden,

bam!

Someone

kicks the door in!

The dog catcher?

What do you mean?

Who came in

to get the dogs?

Oh, no, no.

It was Barney's owners

and their

little daughter.

So the owners come in, and

they slap the collar on him,

and they start

hauling him off, right?

And then it's, like,

cue dramatic music,

like "the emperor has

fallen" type stuff, right?

[ dramatic music ]

But the kid is happier

than sh*t now, right?

She's just draped

all over Barney

just hugging

and kissing him.

Barney's not cluing

into the kid, though.

He turns

to the hot poodle,

and just as he's leaving, he says,

"Being owned sucks. "

[ laughs ]

That's all I got.

[ laughing ]

[ rap music playing ]

Gas. Wow.

That's a relief, huh?

Whatever.

Whatever.

You're telling me

you're not relieved

it's not a heart attack?

It's gas, Henry.

It's f***ing gas.

What do I look like,

a grandpa? Jesus.

And I keep gettin'

this heartburn.

Lately, I've been tryin'

to hide this bald spot,

and I got f***in' man tits

that jiggle when I run.

I mean,

I'm 30-f***ing-7.

I gotta say, pal,

it is refreshing

to see this side of you.

This... sensitive side.

Let's us all know

there's a big old heart

beating in that

burly chest of yours.

Henry,

keep it down, okay?

And cut

that flowery sh*t out.

It is funny.

You know, here I am trying

to mend a broken heart.

[ sighs ] And you're worried

about yours breaking.

Okay, we gotta toughen

you up right f***ing now!

Okay, yes! I'm game.

Here's the plan.

Okay, you see that

babe with Luke? Mm-hmm.

She's the stripper.

She's pretty.

She's been hired

to flirt with these losers

and give them boners,

so they'll buy more booze.

HENRY:
Okay.

Go hit on her.

But-Wait, what?

No, she's-

She's a stripper.

Exactly.

It'll be like learning

how to pick up chicks

with training wheels.

[ laughs ]

Right.

Yes.

So, just, uh,

hypothetically speaking,

if you were to have a

wild night of adultery...

Oh!

what kind of a...

What kind of girl

would you be into?

No, no, I- [ laughs ]

PAUL:
Hey!

Hey! Good. Hi.

Oh! Uh, sorry.

Paul, this is Candy,

and this is Henry, so...

Yeah.

Hey, Lukey,

can I talk to you?

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Okay.

Whoops. [ laughs ]

Well, it's a pleasure

to make your acquaintance.

Thanks, it's nice

to meet you, too.

Ah! Well...

So, do you, uh...

come here often?

No.

No.

You?

No. [ laughs ]

No, me, either.

So we got

that in common.

You're the oldest guy

in the group, right?

By, like, a month.

Well, still.

You ever, uh...

You ever think

about dying?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Really?

Yeah.

Totally. Yeah.

Especially, like,

ever since Isabelle was born.

Yeah, now we got

another one on the way.

Think about if anything

happened to me,

you know, who would

take care of them?

So you think it's...

it's normal.

It's a normal thing

to think about?

So, uh, how long

have you been in the arts?

Just so you know, private

dances are 60 bucks.

Yeah.

Wow!

Okay.

That's cool.

I mean... cool to me.

Does that include

a drink?

[ upbeat music ]

PAM:

You're joking, right?

No, it's part of a prank

we're playing on the groom.

Yeah,

I don't think so.

I can pay you for it!

Isn't that something the

stripper should be doing?

Uh, I already asked her

and she passed.

Yeah. Sorry, it's

not my kinda thing.

What's not your thing?

Oh, hey, Ken!

It's not her-She's just-

It was just a very

complicated drink order.

Thank you, Pam.

That will be all for now.

Sometimes I have

trouble grabbing things.

Right.

Still having some

depth perception issues.

Okay, guys,

let's play some cards.

Yeah, let's do this!

I think you know most

of the people here.

Not sure

if you remember Randy.

No, I don't.

Hey, how you, uh...

Yeah, you actually

came to my stag

with a buddy of mine

a couple of years ago.

Oh, cool.

No, not really.

You guys got me drunk

till I passed out,

and then you superglued

some of

my fingers together

so all

I could do was this.

BOTH:
Live long and prosper.

Yeah. [ laughing ]

That must have hurt.

More than you know.

My fiance realized

I couldn't slip

a wedding ring

on my finger,

so she postponed

the wedding.

Oh.

I- I, uh...

I had no idea.

Then before we even

got to the altar,

she decided to sleep

with my best friend,

so the wedding

was called off.

You know, I remember

at my stag...

I was so enraged that I

confronted my ex-best friend,

and in a fury, beat the crap out of him.

Wow.

I was arrested

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