Stag Page #5

for assault

and spent 6 months

in prison.

It was during

that time in jail

that my fingers

finally came unstuck.

Oh.

At least your fingers

are normal again.

Unfortunately, too late

for me to defend myself

against

the nightly beatings

I took

from gang members.

Bummer.

Randy, I did

a terrible thing to you,

and for that, I'm sorry.

But you have to understand, I

had no idea

what the ramifications

would be.

I can only assume you're

here to f*** me up, right?

Hmm. The thought actually

never crossed my mind.

Seriously?

Really?

Why are you here then?

Dude, it's a stag.

Just here

to play some cards,

have some beer,

and relax.

Great.

I think.

RORY:
All right,

lads, anti in!

Here we go

[ panting ]

How the f*** do you fail

at hitting on a stripper?

Are you

out of breath?

Shut the f*** up

and answer the question.

I didn't fail.

She's quite nice.

Very good listener.

I think I made a friend.

A friend? She's

a f***ing stripper, Henry.

You don't need a friend.

You got a whole basement

full of friends over there.

What you need

is someone to bang!

What you need

is to reach down

and locate

your testosterone

and yank it the f*** up

so that people might

actually see that it exists!

You're right.

Something's gotta change,

and it's gotta change now.

Yeah.

You know, I'm sick

of the ladies loving me

like a brother!

Yeah! And if I can't score the snatch,

then I'm gonna enter the

world of manly men another way!

That's it!

That's my boy!

Ugh!

It's time

to kick some ass!

No. No, it's not.

No, it's not.

Paul? Outta my way,

or your head's gonna be

the first ass I kick.

Okay.

Here.

Okay, go ahead.

Hold these,

'cause this

might get ugly.

Definitely.

[ straining ]

[ snoring ]

[ snoring ]

What'd you say to me?

Huh?

Me?

Yeah,

you, troublemaker.

You lookin'

for some trouble?

I don't think so.

[ sighs ]

On your feet,

old man.

It's time someone

taught you a lesson,

you pathetic hobo.

Who you callin' old?

Ha ha! That's... ugh.

God.

I must warn you, I am twice

your size and half your age,

and though these fists have never

touched the flesh of another man-

Mmm!

Rude!

I was in the middle

of talking!

Aw!

Aah!

Hah!

Aah!

Burn!

Aah! Ha ha ha!

Come on!

Let's go, b*tch!

Jesus. It's like giving

spinach to Popeye.

So how long

were you dating?

[ hammer tapping ]

About eight months.

That's not that long.

Well, it was for me.

Although, I wouldn't

exactly call it dating.

[ drill whirring ]

How do you mean?

Well, I mean, we never really

went out and did anything.

It was pretty much,

you know, just the things

that the publicist

would arrange.

I don't understand.

Oh. It happens all the time.

It's like a thing.

You know, the studio

pays the publicist

to get two celebrities

to go out together,

and then they tell

the paparazzi

where you're going.

By the end of the night,

I have flashbulbs

popping off in my face,

and the studio has people

talking about their movie.

Hang on a sec.

Let me put this in terms

that I'll understand.

So a really rich guy-

let's call him John-

pays another guy-

let's call him pimp-

to take out a hot girl

for a night.

Let's call her...

Careful!

Let's call her you.

And in the end, guys are

popping off in her face?

[ drill whirring ]

Ew! That's sick!

MAN:

I've just about got it.

Just hang on, sweetheart.

We'll have you out

of there in a minute.

MAN:

Just about there.

Oh, crap.

Now or never, Carl,

now or never.

Hey, can I talk to

you for a second? Hmm?

Listen, I know you're, like,

this huge Hollywood megastar,

who was so good

in Tiger Baiby the way.

And I'm at a point where I'm

questioning my career choices,

if not my life choices.

Okay, I'm rambling.

I was wondering if you-

Look, uh, Clark...

It's Carl.

You seem like

a really sweet guy. I-

Just let me finish.

It's just

that I'm single,

and I know

that you are, too,

and, uh, in a weird way,

we've already been

shacked up together

for a few hours, right?

Well, that's true.

I guess we survived.

Yes. We totally survived.

So maybe this is

all meant to be.

Maybe we could be...

meant to be.

[ drill whirring ]

Maybe when I

get out of the hospital...

Hospital?

MAN:
Got it!

Okay, I'm out of time.

Will you go out

with me?

[ door clattering ]

[ cameras clicking,

photographers shouting ]

I'm sorry. I can't.

All right, here's a story

for you guys.

These pictures you're taking

will be the last ones

taken of Clark alive.

It's Carl.

[ dramatic music playing ]

VERONICA:
Take me

to the basement.

I know this might

seem sort of strange,

but I actually

don't have long to live,

and I've

never been kissed...

ever.

Would it be too much

to ask you to kiss me?

[ music crescendos ]

You gotta be

f***ing kidding me.

[ laughing ]

[ growls ]

You owe me

a f***ing shirt!

Whoo! Oh, my God!

That was awesome!

[ dog barking ]

Weirdest f***ing thing

I ever saw.

I- I feel so alive,

like I could do anything!

Know what? Me, too.

Look at this.

Look at this.

Pure adrenaline, right?

F***ing right.

Uhh! Ha ha!

I now know

I love fighting!

Technically, Henry, I don't

think that was fighting.

[ panting ]

[ laughing ]

Look here. Look at that.

Blood, huh?

It's barbeque sauce,

Henry.

The f***ing old man threw a

f***ing chicken wing at you.

But I took it!

I f***ing took it!

And listen

to my language!

I'm swearing like a f***ing

sailor, for f***'s sake!

Oh!

Ahh!

Not sure

I'm buying it, Henry.

What are you

talking about?

It's just not you.

You know what, Paul?

F*** you.

Excuse me?

No, you heard me.

F*** you, Paul.

Who died and made you

king of the cool guys?

I'm not the king

of anything, Henry.

I'm sick of it.

Seriously,

you just walk around,

because

you're so cool,

and nothing

ever bothers you.

How do I walk around?

"Oh, what if I have

a heart attack? Mm, uh.

Oh, what if I die?"

Well, what about you,

eh, Mr... Mr. Sweet Guy?

Mr. Understanding,

Mr. Compassionate,

giving his f***ing heart

away all the time

and getting it broken and

then come crying to me?

You're always there for your

best friend in your tight jeans,

thinking everyone's

checking out your ass.

Well, what do you

want me to do?

You want me to be

all tucked in

and presentable

and perfect like you?

Maybe Luke

was right about you.

What?

What does Luke

say about me?

Nothing.

No, what-

What did Luke say, Paul?

Didn't say nothin'.

Paul.

Luke was just sayin',

you know, sometimes

him and some of the guys

think that maybe.

you might be...

What the f*** is

the matter with you?

What the f*** is

the matter with you?!

Huh? You-You can't-

Oh.

[ lighthearted music ]

[ semi horn honks ]

You know, it's a good thing

nobody was thinking about

shaving my eyebrows off

or something like that,

'cause

that'd be f***ed up.

You like the jeans?

Mmm!

Really easy to get off.

Really easy.

[ whistles ]

I'd look weird.

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