Stag Page #6

[ laughing ]

All of this,

none of this.

So if I'm drunk

and passed out

at the end of the night,

you know...

You put me

in a gorilla suit

and drop me off at my

office drunk and passed out.

Me with no eyebrows?

Come on.

I have a gorilla suit.

Okay, continue.

Look, it's all

I could find, all right?

It's called

maca or something.

The guy at the market said

it nourishes hormonal glands

and helps men

with natural production

of testosterone hormones

for energy,

libido,

and sexual enhancement.

That's so complicated.

I just want to

give Ken a boner.

Boys.

Good night, huh?

It's the way

it should be.

No wife, no kids, just

hanging out with the guys.

We need

to get Ken to eat this.

What is that?

No time for questions!

Just get the waitress chick

to chop it

into his nachos

or boil it into his drink

or something.

Oh, okay, so you planned

it out real well. Good.

Look, there she is.

She's talking

to your stripper friend.

No, hey,

she's not my friend.

Okay? I just

picked her up.

I don't know about that.

You guys have been

kind of chummy lately.

I think she's diggin' you.

No. Yeah?

No! No!

Oh, my God, no one cares.

Just go.

Luke.

Hey, Mark.

[ dance music playing ]

[ Candy and Pam laughing ]

Hey, ladies.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey, Uncle Luke,

we were just talking

about how

you know each other.

We don't

know each other.

I mean, you know.

Uh... like how does

anyone know anyone?

That kind of thing,

you know what I mean?

I know I need a drink.

Yeah. Cranberry juice

would be good.

'Cause I'm driving, so time to

switch.

I'm very responsible, okay?

Responsible and moral.

Yeah.

Can you also chop that up,

put it in a drink,

and, uh,

serve it to that guy?

I don't know

I could get in trouble.

Don't do it then.

I don't care.

Cranberry.

Uh, what-

Was that maca?

I don't know.

No idea.

[ sighs ]

Well, I should,

uh, probably go

and slip

into this outfit.

Unless, um, of course, you

wanted to help me with it.

[ coughs ]

Uh...

[ mutters indistinctly ]

I can't. Come on.

I mean, you can do it

on your own.

I don't think I...

Hey, uh, you got a second?

Yes, I do.

Yeah, for sure.

What's up?

I need to talk

to you in the bathroom.

Perfect, even better.

Okay. See ya.

Wow.

[ giggles ]

Love that guy.

Please.

What's goin' on, guys?

Did you do it?

She gonna put

the thing in his thing?

I begged her, but I

don't know if she will.

What the f***, Luke? There's

no margin for error here!

Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta...

I want to thank you all

for coming out tonight.

I really appreciate it,

uh, but the purpose

of a stag is-

HENRY:
Ooh! Ooh!

PAUL:
Shut

the f*** up, Henry!

I'm going!

You're the d*ckhead

who got us kicked out

in the first place!

[ thud ]

HENRY:

This is exciting!

I feel like Spider-man!

Yes!

Or Tom Cruise!

PAUL:

Okay, careful, careful.

I gotcha. I gotcha.

I gotcha.

Watch your back, watch

your back, watch your back!

[ giggling ]

Step, step!

Okay, okay, okay.

[ laughs ]

PAUL:
Oh, f***!

[ closes window ]

HENRY:
That close.

Hey! What's with

the f***ing sausage party

in the bathroom?

Yeah, where's

that stripper action?

Let's get this

f***ing party started, eh?

Yeah, and play

some poker and football.

Who wants

to arm wrestle me!

Yeah, yeah!

Huh?

Really,

where's that stripper?

Huh? Let's see some

f***ing p*ssy, fellas!

Indeed! Let's see

some f***ing fellas, p*ssy! What?

HENRY:
What? PAUL: You said,

"Let's see some fellas. "

No.

Yes, you did.

Really? That's...

That's

the last thing we need.

PAUL:
Yeah!

'Cause nobody here

is into dudes, right?

Not us!

That'd be funny!

[ laughing ]

All right, shut

the f*** up and listen!

For 10 years,

we've seen a bunch

of our friends get married

and say good-bye

to their freedom.

Right?

And all of them

have had a stag.

A great stag.

And part of the reason

why the stag was so awesome

was because I came up

with some clever-slash-fun prank

to pull on

the groom-to-be. True?

Yeah, it's true.

Correct.

You're the King,

Kenny!

Gotta concede that.

Now it's my turn,

okay?

It's my turn to say

good-bye to my freedom

and life as I know it.

And I've

been freaking out

pretty much all day long

wondering what you guys

were gonna do to kick my ass.

And the guy

that I had counted on

to show up

and watch my back?

He didn't show.

And now I have

the distinct impression

that you guys have

nothing planned for me.

Nothing.

Not so fast, a**hole!

I actually do have

some payback planned.

I think.

Or I did have some-

I did have some.

Yeah, yeah, we did,

but you know what?

Ran into a snag or two.

Wasn't me.

Why?

Well, I mean, you know,

not the easiest thing.

I mean, you know,

there's, you know,

a couple problems,

different stages to the-

PAUL:
Some things just

kinda got in the way.

It actually

seemed kind of mean.

It's supposed to be mean!

What was the plan?

Oh, it was gonna

be amazing.

Okay, so first we were

gonna get you drunk,

and then

when you passed out-

Okay, I know how it starts.

Let's get to how it ends.

Well, then we were gonna

take your pants off.

And give you

a boner!

I wasn't gonna

give you the boner.

No, no, no, no, no!

I didn't think-

Stripper would

give you the boner.

I hate boners.

Well, wait a minute.

I thought we were gonna

give him Viagra.

RORY:

I couldn't get Viagra.

My mom

keeps it locked up.

Your mom has Viagra?

Your mom has a penis?

No! Pfft!

My mom's boyfriend

has a penis.

Your mom

has a boyfriend?

Guys can we please

f***ing focus?

Okay, so

once you had a boner,

we were gonna get the stripper

to write on it in indelible ink,

"Candy was here. "

And then when, you know,

it was all small and soft,

it would just look

like a little smudge.

Or a freckle.

PAUL:
And then

when you and Caroline

started to,

you know, fool around.

Right?

Yeah, so then when it was

all big and engorged,

then she'd be able

to just clearly read it.

Yeah, I get it.

Guys, that's not half bad.

Why aren't we doing this?

Uh, who says

we're not?

Well, no boner pills.

And also Candy said

she wouldn't do it.

I talked to her.

Guys, wait!

[ panting ] Stop!

We can't do it.

Can't. 'Cause...

I Googled the effects of

indelible ink on the penis,

and it is not pretty.

Carl, you can relax.

We're not doing it.

Okay. I just ran

12 blocks.

Eh, it's probably

for the best.

I mean, that Caroline,

she is a sweet lady,

and she'd

get pretty upset.

PAUL:
Yeah, and, you know,

we'd have to get you drunk,

and that usually costs

a lot of money,

and I'm kinda tight

these days, Ken.

You know what?

I mean, it wouldn't happen

till later on tonight,

and I've had a long day.

I've gotta

get going soon.

KEN:
No, I get it guys.

Don't even worry about it.

I mean, if you're too busy

to disrespect me the way

I've disrespected you

in the past, that's fine.

I'll just, uh...

say good-bye

to my independence

over a couple

of uneventful beers

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