Stag Page #7

and a boring

cab ride home.

Okay.

So we're cool then?

Thanks, man.

RORY:
It's ain't over

until it's over, Ken!

It ain't over until-

Okay, guys wait up.

[ rock music playing ]

Paul, wait up.

Hey, can I see you in

the bathroom for a second?

I- Oh, come on.

[ men cheering ]

Okay.

I'm gonna be honest.

I am not comfortable

helping you or watching

you get changed, so...

You know, I've been

watching you all night, Luke.

[ stammering ]

Uh, I-I-I am a...

I'm a married

happily man, so...

I mean, I'm a-

I'm a married

happily man.

And yet you're

in the ladies room

with a stripper

who's about to get undressed.

That's why

I'm leaving.

Oh, so you don't

find me attractive?

No. What?

Yeah, yeah, I just...

Why are you here?

In the bathroom?

No, the stag.

Why am I at the stag?

Yeah.

'Cause it's a stag!

Hang out

with the boys, right?

Get rid of stress

from the job,

the stupid f***ing job.

The toilet job?

Yes, the toilet job,

yeah,

where every day, I deal with

rejection after rejection,

and then I go home to a stack

of bills and a messy house

and a kid who-

who I love.

I love her. Love

my daughter so much.

She's my princess, but she

doesn't shut the f*** up!

And now we got

another one on the way?

You know, all I want

once in a while

is a little intimacy

with my wife. That's it.

But she's

not in the mood.

She's never in the mood!

So I go down

to the TV room,

and I zone out

till I fall asleep,

and then I wake up,

and I do the whole f***ing

thing all over again.

That's why

I'm at the stag.

And you thought

committing adultery would...

What?

make that better?

No. I would never

cheat on my wife, okay?

I never have,

I never will.

Well, then why the offer

to help me get changed?

You asked me to come in.

Ugh! Jesus, Luke,

you know what?

You are really

screwing things up here!

What?

Yeah. Okay, look,

I have a confession

to make.

Please.

I'm not

just a stripper.

Oh, my God,

you're a hooker!

A hooker?

Do I look like

a hooker to you, Luke?

You-[ sighs ]

I don't know

how to answer that.

I'm a blogger, Luke,

okay?

I write a blog.

You've been writing

about us on the internet?

My "Manopause" followers

are gonna have

a tough time with you.

Okay,

what is "Manopause?"

Manopause

- it's a term I use for male menopause.

Guys like you that are

going through a midlife crisis.

Guys like me?

You don't even know me.

I'm not going through

a midlife crisis.

Well, you're

a middle-aged man

who may very well be one of

the oldest guys at this party...

[ scoffs ] What?

and you've got a wife

at home that you love so much

you're willing

to give up any career dreams

that you may have

in order to provide her

with some sense

of security.

And despite the fact that

you are riddled with guilt,

you lied to her so

you could abandon the weight

of your responsibilities

and spend a few hours

with your male friends

reliving what you see

as happier days gone by

and a chance to see a

young woman partially naked.

Odds are you're questioning

your life choices,

and there's a 42% chance

that you are or will

consider a divorce.

Wow.

Yeah.

So you're only getting

partially naked.

Hey, gentlemen,

grab a chair!

Hey, I'm Randy.

Carl.

RORY:
Hey, Ken,

your beer's

looking a little empty there.

You need a re-up?

No, I'm good, man.

Look, Randy,

Ken's beer's empty.

I'm gonna grab him

a nice, fresh mug o' beer.

So, Carl,

what do you do?

I do background work.

You ever rubbed elbows

with any celebrities?

I did technically rub elbows

with Sean Penn once

in a rugby scrum.

Hey, I think I saw

that movie.

Um, what was it

called again?

Scrum of the Earth?

Yeah, right.

Yeah, yeah.

This is fun.

PAUL:
Yeah!

Let's play some

f***ing man poker!

Okay, here we go, boys.

Uh-uh-uh-uh!

Beer! Yeah!

RANDY:
I loved

Scrum of the Earth.

It's cool

you were in that.

In it?

He had, like,

Sean's Penn's nut sack

just inches from his face.

Could somebody please deal?

Wasn't his nut sack.

It was his character's

nut sack.

Oh, that's

still awesome.

I guess.

KEN:
Hey, Ken,

how was your stag?

My stag?

It was f***ing amazing.

We sat around

a poker table all night

and talked

about Sean Penn's penis.

So what was it like?

Soft and warm,

I guess.

RANDY:
No, no, not his...

not his nut sack.

What was it like

working with Sean Penn?

Oh.

I don't know, we...

kept our distance,

I guess.

RANDY:
Oh, yeah,

professional courtesy.

You guys can't be

gawking over each other

like regular folk, huh?

No, that wouldn't

be cool.

I can't believe

what I'm looking at.

Wow.

Huh.

But you know what,

Candy,

this doesn't

all sound like me.

Read farther down.

"Characteristics

of a mid-life crisis include

the deep sense of remorse

for missed opportunities. "

Check.

"The desire to achieve

a feeling of youthfulness. "

Check.

"The search of an undefined

dream or goal. "

Well, how am I supposed

to know what that is?

That's what

undefined means.

Look, don't drive yourself

nuts over this, okay?

I was just making

an observation.

All right, you know

what guys? I fold.

The stag party

has officially began!

The stripper's here!

Time to get titties

on the forehead!

I did background work

on Titties On My Forehead

with Ice-T.

So, Carl, what was

Veronica Simpson like?

Mmm, yeah! CARL:
She was, uh...

She was nice,

actually.

Okay, great,

but what was she like?

I mean,

was she smoking hot, or...?

Yeah, she's, um...

She's really pretty.

[ Paul laughing ]

And, uh...

nice.

Least, she seems nice.

That's nice.

That's good to hear.

Nice? Like she'd

give you the time of day.

[ laughter ]

She was great

in Tiger Bait.

She's got

a great ass, though.

Oh, she really does!

I would tap that

in a heartbeat.

Okay, guys,

that's not really...

I bet she'd be a pretty

good f***ing lay.

Yeah, for sure,

she would be.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I mean, I'd...

I, for one,

would love to,

you know, really lay...

lay her.

She's an actor. How do you

know she's not faking it?

She wouldn't be

faking it with me.

[ laughing ]

Yeah, me, too.

Okay, guys, come on.

But she's an actor, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, sometimes

they're just show

and no substance.

Hey, that's not

necessarily...

Still,

she's got a great ass.

Great rack, too.

Oh, that's it!

We get Ken implants!

Enough!

Let's just

play poker, okay?

You're all talking smack about

a person you never even met.

So let's forget

about Veronica Simpson

and just play

mindless poker

with mindless friends,

all right?

Okay, Carl.

Sorry.

RANDY:
Sorry, Carl.

Mr. Cranky over here.

You having a rough day?

You have no idea.

Whoa, whoa, hey.

You're not playing again,

are you?

Yeah, why the f*** not?

Trying to help you look after

your money, that's all.

That's all right.

I mean, it's okay

for you to play,

it's just you need

to know your limit.

You're right, I know.

You're right.

Okay. I'm proud of you.

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