Stag Page #8

PAUL:
How much do

you think I should spend?

Well, I don't know

I mean,

are you comfortable

with, say, $10?

$10 is good, yeah.

Let's just have a look

and see how much you got left.

What the f***

is wrong with you two?

BOTH:
What the f***

is wrong with you?

Play the f***ing game!

Shut up! No, you're the f***ing homo!

Oh, you're so gay!

You're totally gay!

Can we play more than one

round of f***ing poker here?

[ rap music playing ]

[ cell phone rings ]

[ rings ]

[ rings ]

[ rings ]

Hello?

Hi, Daddy!

Isabelle. Hi, sweetie,

how are you?

Good.

Hey, Daddy, guess what?

What?

I did a perfect cartwheel

at gymnastics tonight!

You did? That's great.

You must be so happy.

I'm super happy.

I wish you

could have seen it.

I wish I could have

seen it, too, sweetie.

I should have been there.

I'm sorry.

That's okay, Daddy.

I know you have to stay

and do your work.

And Mommy videotaped it for you

so you can watch it later.

She did?

That's great.

Is work going okay,

Daddy?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, Isabelle, I should

probably get going, okay?

Okay. Will you come tuck

me in when you get home

and give me a kiss?

Of course.

You want to talk

to Mommy?

No, no, no!

No. No, no, no, no, no!

Just tell Mommy

that I am,

you know, gonna

be home soon, okay?

Okay. Love you, Daddy.

I love you, too, pal.

Bye.

Bye.

He didn't want

to talk to me?

[ men shouting ]

Hey, Candy.

Hey, buddy, f*** off.

Just relax, buddy.

What's up, Luke?

Not me.

Get lost, buddy.

Look, you were

totally right

about the whole

mid-life crisis thing.

Weird, huh?

Not really, no.

Well, anyway, I found out

what my undefined dream is.

You did?

Yeah,

so thank you.

I'm gonna take off.

[ chanting ]

Peeler! Peeler! Peeler!

Peeler! Peeler!

Peeler! Peeler!

Peeler! Peeler!

Guess that's my cue

for the group show.

Damn! That's the worst

$60 I ever spent!

Candy, you know what?

I mean,

you can skip this.

You know,

you don't have to do it.

I mean, you have so many

followers on your blog,

like, why don't you just

be a regular writer?

But I am

a regular writer.

I'm not a victim

here, Luke.

I can assure you that there is a

great sense of power and control

that comes when you're

totally exposed to someone,

and yet in absolute

control over them.

Also makes it dead simple

to get into their psyche.

Really?

Sure.

You ever see the look

on a little kid's face

when they've been

watching TV for too long?

Like taking candy

from a baby.

[ snapping ]

Holy sh*t.

It was nice

meeting you, Luke.

[ wolf whistle ]

[ hip-hop song begins ]

Here we go.

All right, yeah!

Yeah!

Oh, my God!

That is what

I'm talking about!

[ cheers and shouts ]

What are you, uh...

What are you doing?

I thought

you were leaving.

Yeah, I just-

I got-Yeah.

But I have a couple

of minutes, so...

Hi.

[ laughs ]

[ cheering ]

Take the titties out!

Please!

[ cheering ]

Hey! That's Candy!

That was great!

Oh, thank you

so much. Okay.

Round of applause

for Candy,

and we'll see her

next time.

Hey, uh, what the f***

are you doing?

She didn't even

start yet!

Well, use

your imagination.

It was

starting to...

What are you

really doing?

Hmm? Oh.

Well, you told me

to watch your back,

and I just feel like things are

getting out of control, okay?

Guys, look it,

I don't think

we need a dancer

here tonight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yes, we f***ing do!

Have you lost

your f***ing mind?

Yeah, we really do need some

guys stuff right now, Luke!

You don't have

to do this.

Yes, I do, okay?

Guys, let me explain.

Give me a second.

We are grown,

mature men.

Get him!

[ shouting ]

No, no, no!

Wait! Wait! Wait!

Just a minute, okay?

I, uh... I came here to dance

for you guys,

so that's

what I'm gonna do.

ALL:
Yeah!

But first, I need

to come clean.

My name isn't Candy.

It's Margaret.

Yeah, okay, Candy,

Margaret, whatever!

Take the titties out!

And I'm actually

not just a stripper.

I'm a writer.

And I've been secretly using

all of you in a giant case study.

So even though the mood

has been killed,

and it's not something

I want to do right now,

I'm gonna strip

for you.

But you need to be

aware that you are,

in a sense,

all guinea pigs

being used in

a massive case study

that will

essentially reflect

how the male species

is perceived.

Yeah,

she's gonna strip!

[ cheering ]

[ music playing ]

Yeah!

[ wild cheering ]

Wait!

[ groaning ]

Wait!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?!

She's right.

KEN:
[ whispering ]

What the f*** are you doing?

She's a person.

Her name is Margaret.

She has a mom and a dad

and brothers and sisters.

Look, she's more

than just nice b*obs

and gyrating hips.

Jesus.

My whole life, I've been

looked at like an object,

and not in a good way.

Been looked

at like something

that's worthless

and replaceable.

Nobody gives a crap

about who I am.

Oh, my God.

So?

That feels like sh*t.

Then I met

this great girl, and...

This is officially the

worst stag party ever.

And I treated her

the same way,

so I learned my lesson.

Margaret,

you're free to go.

Not so fast,

Margaret!

See, I personally don't give

a sh*t about your name

or your blog.

And, Carl,

I don't give a sh*t

about your sad-sack

f***ing story.

What I do give a sh*t

about is seeing

those beautiful tits

on my friend Kenny's head.

Right, Henry?

Yeah!

PAUL:
Henry?

[ crying ] It's just

a heartbreaking story.

Oh, f*** this, Carl!

Get off the stage!

There is a stripper here

who need to get to work!

Over my dead body.

Mine, too.

That is not gonna

be a f***ing problem.

[ men shouting ]

Yeow!

Yeow!

[ grunts ]

[ crash ]

MEN:
Ohh!

What was that?

Christ, Henry,

what are you doing?

Are you all right?

HENRY:
Oh, I landed

on my wallet!

All right, that's it. Party's over.

Party's over?

What do you mean, party-

It's 9:
00.

Finish your drinks and

get the f*** out of my bar!

Why are you

cursing at me? I'm-

I'm the dude

paying you!

This is awesome.

Man, I so wanted

to burn your ass.

I wanted you

to burn my ass.

Rory, let me ask

you something, man.

For years, you've been carrying

this chip on your shoulder

from me ruining

your perception thing, right?

Very much so.

Weren't you the guy

that we painted

a gigantic face

on his body

to make his pecker

look like his tongue?

How does that cause

a mental problem?

My fiance had

been suffering

from low self-esteem

issues in the bedroom.

When she walked in and saw

me laying there with "it"

sticking its tongue

out at her,

she was so hurt

emotionally,

she couldn't bring herself

to touch it anymore.

So I was exiled to

an island of self-pleasure.

One day, she came into

the bathroom unannounced,

and I fell backward into

the tub and smacked my head.

Ever since then,

I've had this condition.

That's weird.

Mm-hmm.

Is it permanent?

The doctors say

it'll take a few years,

but it'll

eventually go away.

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