Stag Page #9

What about your wife?

Oh. [ laughs ]

We, uh...

We've been going

to this sex therapist.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, and, um...

[ laughing ]

You know, ever since then,

she's been like an animal.

Okay. Like a wildebeest

or like a jackalope.

Oh!

Yeah. She just wants it

all the time.

Whoa. That's great!

Yeah.

Well, only problem is,

you know, with the whole

depth, perception thing,

I keep trying

to dock the boat

in the wrong slip.

Keep trying to put

my penis in her bum.

Yeah, I got it.

That's not a metaphor.

I'm gonna

head out, pal.

Of course, you are.

I mean,

why would you stay?

You okay?

Oh, I'm fine.

I'm f***ing awesome.

When people look

back at this event,

you know

what they'll say?

What?

Nothing, okay?

They won't say

a damn thing!

There'll be no memories,

no tales,

no legacy,

just a guy

whose best friends

don't care about him

enough to abuse him

[ shouting ]

at his own stag!

You okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Feel like a bit

of an idiot, though.

No, no, no.

That was brave, Henry.

Poorly executed,

but brave.

Like Jason Statham?

No.

No.

Look, about what

happened earlier

in the, uh, alley.

Yeah. Uh, that.

Um, well, you know, uh...

Look,

the f***ed-up thing is...

I didn't hate it.

It was weird.

Yeah, it was weird.

Weird.

F***in' weird, but...

You know,

we'll work that out.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah,

we'll work that out.

We'll work it out,

but...

look, keep this

on the f***ing downlow, right?

Yeah, like,

way... f***ing low.

Down there.

Good.

All right, let's go

hang with these monkeys

and get the f***

out of here.

All right.

Uh, you got stuff-

Don't f***ing

touch me!

There's just schmutz

on your...

I am so sorry

about the mess.

God.

It's no problem.

I've seen a lot worse.

Those guys

can be pigs, you know?

Some of them.

Hey, Pam,

let's say, uh, we're

at a family gathering.

You know, you're there,

and my wife is there.

Uh-huh.

I mean, you're not the kind

of person that would talk

about work when you're

with family anyway, right?

I'll make you a deal,

Uncle Luke.

I will never

talk about this night

in the presence

of our family,

if you promise never

to say the word "p*ssy"

in front of me again.

I didn't.

Did I say pu-

Did I say that?

Yeah.

Deal.

I will-I will-

I will

not do that again.

I'm surprised

I even said it.

Probably wasn't me.

But I'll tell the guys

not to do it.

All right, guys,

I'm gonna get going.

See you, Randy.

Ah, well...

Did I say "p*ssy"

earlier out loud?

LUKE:

Unbelievable.

Hey, Ken, look, I'm sorry

that you didn't have a-

No, no, no, I get it.

I'm a dick.

I'm a dick.

It's time to stop

with all of this

idiotic behavior

and childish pranks

and settle down.

I even know how awesome

Caroline is for me

and how perfect

we are together.

I just wanted one last night,

though, you know?

One last night.

I wanted to celebrate.

I wanted to wear

a stripper's b*obs

on my head

like a sailor hat.

Crazy.

I'll settle for beers

with my best friends

and the two gay guys.

What-We-

No.

Oh... my... God.

I'll mention

the great ass thing.

Hey.

Hey.

Uh, how did you-

You told

the wardrobe girl

that you had a special

gala to attend here?

Oh, I did?

Mm-hmm.

And the make-up girl

and the guy

at craft services.

Okay.

And I said gala?

Apparently.

Cool.

So why are you here?

I don't know. Um...

I guess I wanted

to tell you

that you really bug

the sh*t out of me.

Okay,

message delivered.

Thank you

for coming by.

But after that

horrible experience,

I guess you maybe bugged

me a little bit less.

I did?

Yeah, and then that other guy

came in to finish the scene,

and we had

the whole kiss thing.

I didn't notice.

And I realized that you

were the guy in the cage

the whole time putting

up with my psychotic-ness.

And, well, it just

didn't really seem fair,

so I came

to bring you this.

[ whispering ] And I wasn't

in character just then.

That was really me.

Wow!

The beer here is awesome.

So if don't mind hiding

your face from the paparazzi,

I have a car

waiting outside,

I was thinking maybe we

could grab a late dinner.

Paparazzi.

Cool.

I mean,

blood-sucking pricks.

I have a way out.

I think

they won't see you.

Hey, would you mind

staying here for a drink?

I have a favor

I want to ask you.

[ song begins ]

Sittin' where the stage

is stayin' blue

Chase around

the soul right out of you

And everything else

Just got in my way

And time was talk

Would make it all true

Out jumps a bee

right through my skin

Each and every time

that you breathe in

LUKE:

Hey, sweetie.

Good morning, Daddy.

Come here.

Wake myself up

Man comes around

Clawed up all the sin

Daddy?

What's all this?

Clawed up all the sin

Hey, what do you say we go

upstairs and wake up Mom,

and then we go out for a

nice, big pancake breakfast?

But first, can you tell me

what it was like

to do

a perfect cartwheel?

Okay.

Well, first over here

is where my teacher

called my name,

and I was

kinda nervous.

Morning.

Mmm, morning, sweetie.

How ya feeling?

I'm feeling

pretty rough.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, it's no wonder.

You were really drunk

when they dropped you off

on our front lawn last night.

And what time was that?

3 A.M.?

11:
15.

Damn.

So you had fun?

It was all right.

Why, nobody stuck

a pineapple up your ass?

No, nobody did nothin'.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, you should

come over here

and look at this,

uh, scumbag.

Scumbag?

Why I gotta be

a scumbag?

That is awesome, baby!

Look at that!

I'm the scumbag grabbing

Veronica Simpson's titty!

Go on, scumbag!

Scumbag number one.

It's time

for your eTalk update.

Well, it looks

like Veronica Simpson

isn't the only one

with her hands full these days.

Last night,

the star took a break

from her hectic

filming schedule

to drop into

a local stag party,

and was greeted

by a few onlookers

and one groper!

The man with the hands

was rushed out of the bar

before police arrived,

but has been identified

as Ken Andrews.

A warrant has been

issued for his arrest,

and Miss Simpson is planning

on pressing charges.

Rumor has it

Veronica was there

visiting a new love interest.

[ upbeat music,

camera clicking ]

[ camera clicking ]

[ baby crying ]

[ glass shatters ]

[ camera clicking ]

When I walk in a room and I

Hear a beat that I'm feelin',

it makes me high

Wanna stay in the groove

till the morning time

Wanna put my hands up

in the sky

Any day of the week,

I love to jam

Doesn't matter what part

of the world I'm in

Want to have a good time

when I'm with my friends

When the music is bumpin',

it never ends

Ever since I was just a kid

Had rhythm in my feet

everything I did

Everybody all around me

hit the floor

Just lovin' them beats

more and more

I love seein'

when they shake it around

How they move them hips

all up and down

From side to side

all ready to rock

With a lowdown bass line

deep inside

Roll your belly

to the left and the right

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