Stage Beauty Page #2

if you're a man,

you don't have a gentleman's thingy.

He says you're like those Italian singers,

the whatsits?

- Castrati.

- The Earl says

they cut off your castrati at birth.

Then you become a woman.

So the Earl of Lauderdale is not a surgeon?

No, he's an earl.

Well...

How then may we prove to both your

father and your mother's special friend...

...that I do indeed

have a thingy?

A big, bulging,

orb and sceptre of a thingy.

Well, I...

I... I think we'd...

We'd have to...

We'd have to...

We'd have to touch it.

Touch what?

What?

- What...

- Whatever it is.

Oh!

Mmm!

If I quench thee, thou flaming minister,

I can again thy former light restore,

Should I repent me:

But once put out thy light,

thou cunning'st pattern of excelling nature,

I know not where is that Promethean heat

That can thy light relume.

She wakes.

Who's there? Othello?

Whoa!

Whoa!

Oh, my!

I think my wrist's broken.

Oh, erm...

Here.

- What's this?

- A shilling.

For services rendered.

Women, beware!

I see three fish eager and awaiting.

Come, skewer on my pole!

I know a playful bunch when I see 'em.

Oh, painted ladies in the night!

Universal sign for whores to let.

How much for the each of you?

For honour's sake, sir, assert yourself.

Well, dear, how can I?

I'm but a wilting girl.

Oh, come on, how much for a f***?

Do something!

Very well. That one's a shilling,

that one's a penny. I'm five pounds a week.

Sir, do you know who I am?

I am Lady Aurelia Meresvale.

- She's the shilling.

- Oh, you...!

Driver, get us out of here!

Wait a minute! I've got a shilling.

Wait ho!

I'm not done haggling yet.

I warn you, sir, I doubt you'll find in me

what you're looking for.

Oh, ho, ho! I'll be the judge of that.

Now, come on

Open up!

Found a guardian at the gate, did you?

Five pounds indeed.

'Twas the weight, not the price.

Wait a minute.

Didn't say no, did I?

I'm in the market for a mistress.

A male one might be just the thing.

- Sir, I am spoken for.

- Oh, come along!

I shall never wear this glove again.

- Ha, ha, ha!

- Mark me, bum boy!

I shall see to you

and we shall settle this account.

Two, three...

four, five, six!

Cheers!

Even if it was only a one-off,

at least we did it once, eh?

- And in under three hours!

- Oh, no, I have to go!

- Maria!

- Maria, where are you going?

- My dear!

- Mr Pepys!

- Maria, that was quite a performance.

- Thank you, sir.

- Hidden talents.

- Thank you.

- Yes, well...

- Who'd have thought it?

- Our secret, eh?

- Yes, quite.

I say, do you know,

I was wondering, Maria,

I know it is rather last-minute,

but still, if I may,

tomorrow evening...

- Really?

- Oh, yeah.

If you're free, that is?

What happened to my pillow?

Oh, God, a tear.

Did I do that?

Ah, must have.

Oh, we do not know our passions.

Oh, Maria, I am exhausted.

Why?

Those two gentleladies wanted

to feel my cock for the sake of a wager.

Ah.

Are you in a hurry to get home?

No.

Help me.

I want to do the death scene again.

- Now?

- Mm.

All the elements are there.

It just feels off.

The audience doesn't notice.

I'm not satisfied.

You be Othello. I'll be me.

- Where do I start?

- I'll start.

Alas...

Alas, he is betray'd,

and I... undone!

Grab the pillow.

Out, strumpet!

Weep'st thou for him to my face?

O, banish me, my lord, but kill me not!

Down, strumpet!

Kill me tomorrow; let me live tonight!

- Now come at me.

- Nay, if you strive...

- But half an hour!

- Being done, there is no pause.

- But while I say one prayer!

- It is too late.

Smother, smother, smother.

She doesn't kiss him.

What is it?

Did they succeed?

Did who succeed?

The ladies.

In feeling you.

What kind of girl do you take me for?

Help me with this.

Do you want me to mend your pillow?

Oh, do it tomorrow.

Day off. Plenty of time.

You could use a new one.

Maria...

...this pillow was given to me

by my old tutor who found me in the gutter.

He gave me a home.

He gave us all a home, pretty boys like me.

He taught us to read.

He taught us Shakespeare,

all the tricks and turns and...

He gave this to me

the first time I played Desdemona.

"And remember," he'd say,

"the part doesn't belong to an actor.

An actor belongs to a part.

Never forget.

You're a man in woman's form. "

Or was it the other way round?

Well, he's dead now.

Hard to prove either way.

I think you'd be as fine a man as any woman.

Maria...

We are souls entwined.

Off you go.

I can shed my skin without you.

Oh! Damn!

Milady.

Don't ever do that again!

Oh, my God!

What are you doing here?

Thought I'd surprise you.

Oh!

- Where've you been?

- I was stranded in St James's Park.

A frilly fop with a hard-on

thought I was a whore on the make.

This is why I prefer Hyde Park.

There's so much less of that sort of thing.

So, what happened?

Once he found my cock,

off he went.

It wasn't the case with me.

Let me show you something.

Here.

Read.

"I come unknown to any of the rest

to tell you news:

I saw the lady drest.

The woman plays today...

The woman plays... " The woman?

What? Hm?

An actress.

A what?

An actress.

At Cockerell's Tavern.

The Cockpit put up a little stage.

Very tatty, but still.

My, my, it's a joke.

- It's a fake. Jimmy Noakes...

- I know Jimmy Noakes.

And it was not Jimmy Noakes.

It was not any man.

It was a girl.

But it's illegal.

One did think as much.

Wha...

A woman playing a woman.

What's the trick in that?

What was the play?

No!

If you're wondering,

she did not play the Moor.

- How was she?

- What?

Oh, you mean the acting?

I never noticed the acting.

Did you go round after?

Oh, too crowded. Pepys went.

If two mice were f***ing in a nutshell,

he'd find room to squeeze in

and write it down.

What was her name? The "actress"?

- Er, Mrs Margaret Hughes.

... Margaret Hughes.

The word is, she's going to be

at the Palace tomorrow night.

The Palace?

Oh...

Are you invited?

I'm the Duke of Buckingham.

I always am.

Are you going?

- I might drop by.

- Take me there.

- You want to go to the Palace?

- Yes.

- With me?

- Yes.

You'll go as an acquaintance

who behaves himself.

If you try to grow your part,

you'll find the role's been cut.

Agreed.

Right, then. Oh, Ned...

Put this on, will you?

I like to see a golden flow as I die in you.

Would you ask your lady whores

to wear a wig to bed?

If it made them more a woman.

# Who can resist

such mighty, mighty charms?

# Who can resist

# Such mighty, mighty charms?

# Victorious, victorious, victorious love

# Who can resist

# Who can resist

# Who can resist

# Who can resist

# Who can resist

# Such mighty charms?

# Such mighty, mighty

# Mighty, mighty charms

Bravo! Bravo!

Well done!

Ha, ha!

His Grace, the Duke of Buckingham,

and Mr Edward Kynaston!

George, you're late!

Your Majesty.

I thought you'd skipped us.

And Kynaston?

- I know you. You're...

- The actor.

- Oh, yes, you were in...

- Othello, sir.

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