Stage Beauty Page #6

- If you will.

I won't. Balance the scales, Kynaston,

give the girls a chance.

Besides...

it's a sop to the Church.

Priests always preach

about boys playing women.

They say it leads

to effeminacy and sodomy.

Well, they'd know, they're priests.

Act a man, Kynaston.

How hard could it be?

It is not a question of acting a man.

I can act a man.

There's no artistry in that.

There are things that I can be

as a woman that I cannot be as a man.

- Such as?

A star.

No, I think Mr Kynaston could be

a star in any guise.

If indeed there is no artistry

in acting a man,

then show us.

Be a man for us and perhaps

His Majesty will change his mind

as to whether you can play a woman.

Yes, perform a soliloquy

that displays all that is bold and strong

and masculine in a man.

Let's see you as...

...Othello.

It is the cause...

It is the cause, my soul,

Let me not name it to you,

you chaste st...

May I start again?

- Oh, yes, yes, by all means.

Thank you.

It is the cause.

It is the cause, my soul,

Let me not name it to you

you chaste stars!

It is the cause.

Yet I'll not shed her blood;

Nor scar that whiter skin of hers

than snow...

Sorry, may I... once more?

Please.

Yet she must die,

else she'll betray more men.

Put out the light, then put out the light!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh...

Oh!

Oh...

Oh...

Oh...

If...

...I could... could give it...

one more go.

I...

Well, well, show to do. Come on.

Kynaston!

My astronomers tell me

the star's light shines on

long after it has died.

Even though it doesn't know it.

Exile is a dreadful thing

for one who knows his rightful place.

Shall we, sir?

We shall, madam.

I'm not staying.

- It's by Royal command.

- Stay without me!

Mr Kynaston!

Mr Kynaston!

Mr Kynaston!

- There's an handsome lad!

- Bet you like a lady, don't you?

The difficulty as I see it is that...

Well, a theatregoer these days

has so many choices.

There's Mrs Corbett doing Romeo And Juliet,

Mrs Bracegirdle in Twelfth Night,

Mrs Barry in Hamlet.

And you...

you, of course, in Lear.

The house was half-full today at best.

Well...

Summer, you know.

Will you be here for the second performance?

I fear not, Mrs Hughes.

Going off to see one of my rivals?

You have no rivals, Mrs Hughes.

Mr Pepys.

Who do you write all those little notes for?

For myself alone.

Do you enjoy it?

I love it.

Don't you love acting?

Yes.

But unfortunately,

I cannot do it for myself alone.

For I fear...

...in truth, I'm terrible at it.

Oh, now!

Now, my dear Mrs Hughes!

You are too harsh on yourself.

You made your debut

as the first actress on the English stage.

Mr Pepys...

...when I made my debut,

was I a good actress?

Mrs Hughes...

...there was no comparison.

- Mr Cockerell.

- Mrs Hughes.

Thought I'd pop in and see the show.

Light house today. Oh, Mrs Hughes?

Do you know Mrs Barry?

I have heard so much

about you, Mrs Hughes.

I would so like some day

to see your Ophelia.

Well, let's have a cordial

after the show, eh?

I want to talk about some changes.

Mr Pepys

Yes?

Do you know the whereabouts of Mr Kynaston?

# Oh, mother, oh, mother

# Oh, what shall I do?

Ooooh...

# I've married a man

# Who's unable to screw

# My troubles are many

# My pleasures are small

# For I've married a man

# Who has no balls at all

# No balls

# No balls at all

# Married a man who has no balls at...

# No balls at...

# No balls at all!

That was top-hole!

And speaking of hole...

...it is my understanding,

- having circled the room as t'were...

Wahay!

...that there are some of you gents...

Who, us?

...and maybe even some ladies out there...

- You can rub my pole any time!

... what think our little pretty one here

is not actually what we call

"a complete female stage beauty"

or even a real, live...

fish!

Well...

we got the proof.

Show us the proof!

Right here!

Ha, ha, ha!

- Come on!

- Up further!

Missy, dear...

raise the curtain, will you, please?

Up, up, up...

Higher!

Stop it!

Stop it!

What do you want, trout?

- I want the lady!

- After we've finished.

I'll give you five pounds!

Take the money!

Now get the f*** off my stage!

She's still got your merkin!

And give me back my merkin!

You've slept.

You can stay here the week.

I paid the inkeeper that far.

Have you eaten?

No.

We'll get food and drink in you.

And no spirits.

Why are you doing this?

Why won't you play men?

Men aren't beautiful.

What they do isn't beautiful, either.

Women do everything beautifully,

especially when they die.

Men feel far too much.

Feeling ruins the effect.

Feeling makes it ugly.

Perhaps that's why I could never pull off

the death scene.

I...

...could never feel it...

in a way that...

...wouldn't mar the...

I couldn't let the beauty die.

Without beauty, there's nothing.

Who could love that?

I'll stay with you while you sleep.

Want to make sure I don't run off?

No.

I've never slept with a man before.

And I've never slept with a woman...

except myself.

Never?

Never slept.

What do men do?

With women?

With men.

They...

We...

Well, it depends.

On?

On who's the man

and who's the woman.

- But I said men with men.

- Yes, yes, I know, but with, er...

...men and women,

there's a man and there's a woman,

and my experience has been

that it's the same with men and men.

- Were you the man or the woman?

- I was the woman.

That means?

Er, it...

...um, in the saddle.

- So, am I the man now or the woman?

- You're the man.

- And you're the woman?

- Yes.

- There isn't much to do.

- Not with what we're given.

So, who am I now?

Er, you're the man...

Er, you're the woman!

And you're...?

I'm the man. Or so I assume.

Seldom get up here. Quite a view.

But I'm... I'm the man-woman?

Yes... you're the man-woman.

And what am I now?

I...

You're the woman.

- Still?

- Yes.

And now what am I?

The woman.

- And now?

- The woman.

And you are?

The man.

- Tell me something.

- Anything!

How do you die?

- What?

- As Desdemona.

How do you die?

Oh, no, I'm sorry...

I wanted...

Your old tutor did you a great disservice,

Mr Kynaston.

He taught you how to speak and swoon

and toss your head,

but he never taught you

to suffer like a woman

or love like a woman.

He trapped a man in woman's form

and left you there to die!

I always hated you as Desdemona.

You never fought!

You just died beautifully!

No... no woman would die like that,

no matter how much she loved him!

A woman would fight!

I need a Desdemona!

What?

"Sheffield's Gift to the Theatre" has

returned to her mother's to have a baby!

A baby?

Well, that didn't happen in the old days, did it?

It's a catastrophe!

The Palace is reconsidering its patronage,

the King is coming to see the show tonight

and I need a Desdemona by eight o'clock.

Right, who's available?

There is only one actress in London

I'm aware of who knows the part,

and is currently between bookings.

I won't do it!

But didn't you hear him? It's for the King!

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