Stand by Me Page #4

You don't know nothin'.

Mighty Mouse is a cartoon.

Superman is a real guy.|No way a cartoon could beat up a real guy.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Would be a good fight, though.

You could be a real writer someday.

F*** writing! I don't to be a writer.

- It's stupid. It's a stupid waste of time.|- That's your dad talking.

- Bullshit!|- Bulltrue!

I know how your dad feels about you.|He doesn't care about you.

Denny was the one he cared about,|and don't try to tell me different.

You're just a kid, Gordie.

Gee thanks, Dad.

I wish to hell I was your dad.

You wouldn't be talking about taking|these stupid shop courses if I was.

It's like God gave you something, man,|all those stories that you can make up...

...and He said, "This is what we got|for you. Try not to lose it."

Kids lose everything unless there's|someone there to look out for them.

If your parents are too f***ed-up to do it,|then maybe I should.

Come on, you guys, let's get moving.

By the time we get there|the kid won't even be dead anymore.

Any of you guys know|when the next train is due?

We could go down to the Route 136 Bridge.

What? Are you crazy?|That's five miles down the river.

You walk five miles down the river,|you gotta walk five miles back.

That could take till dark.

We go across here, we can get|to the same place in 10 minutes.

But if a train comes, there's nowhere to go.

No, there isn't. You just jump.

- Teddy, it's a 100 feet.|- Yeah, Teddy.

You guys can go around if you want.

I'm crossing here.

And while you guys|are dragging your candyasses...

...half-way across the state and back,|I'll be waiting for you on the other side...

...relaxing with my thoughts.

You use your left hand|or your right hand for that?

You wish.

I lost the comb.

Forget it, Vern.

Train!

Sh*t!

Move it, man! Go on! Move it!

Get up, Vern! Damn it!

Get up! Move it!

Sh*t, Vern!

- Get up, man!|- I don't want to. We're gonna fall.

We're gonna die, damn it! Get up!

Go.

- You've got to go faster!|- I can't, Gordie!

Run!

Run, Vern, run! Move your ass!

Run, goddamn it, run!

At least now we know|when the next train was due.

That was the all-time train dodge.|Too cool.

You were so scared you looked like|Abbott Costello when he saw the mummy.

I wasn't that scared.

No, really, I wasn't. Sincerely.

Then you won't mind if we check|your underpants for Hershey squirts.

Go screw.

You'd better turn yours over.

This is the way I like to do it.

Man!

You got any more, Gordie?

Sorry, Vern.

It's not funny. What am I supposed to eat?

- Why don't you cook your dick?|- It'd be a small meal.

Screw you guys, I got it.

Nothing like a smoke after a meal.

I cherish these moments.

What? What did I say?

Gordie, why don't you tell us a story?

I don't know.

- Come on.|- Yeah, come on, Gordie.

None of your horror stories, okay?

I don't want to hear no horror stories.|I'm not up for that.

Tell us one about Sergeant Steel|and his battling leathernecks.

The one I've been thinking about|is kind of different.

It's about this pie-eating contest.

The main guy of the story is this fat kid|that nobody likes, named Davie Hogan.

Like Charlie Hogan's brother, if he had one.

Good, Vern.

Go on.

Well, this kid, he's our age, but he's fat.|Real fat.

He weighs close to 180,|but it's not his fault. It's his glands.

My cousin's like that. Sincerely.

She weighs over 300 pounds. Supposed|to be a "hyboid" gland or somethin'.

I don't know about any "hyboid" gland,|but what a blimp!

No sh*t.|She looks like a Thanksgiving turkey.

- And, you know, this one time...|- Shut up, Vern.

Right. Go on. It's a swell story.

All the kids, instead of calling him Davie,|they called him Lardass. Lardass Hogan.

Even his little brother|and sister called him Lardass.

At school they put this sticker on his back|that says, "Wide Load".

And they rank him out and beat him up|whenever they get a chance.

But one day he gets an idea.

The greatest revenge idea a kid ever had.

Is this thing on? Can you hear me?

The next contestant|in the Great Tri-County Pie Eat...

... Principal John Wiggins.

And our celebrity contestant,|from KLAM in Portland...

... The Boss-man himself, Bob Cormier!

From the racks and stacks|it's the best on wax...

... how about another double, golden oldie,|sound sandwich from KLAM in Portland...

...it's...|- Boss!

Next, a newcomer to the Pie Eat,|but one we expect...

... great things from in the future,|young Master David Hogan.

- Are you all right, young man?|- Lardass how was your trip?

I hear you got a big appetite, Lardass.

Don't even think about winning this.

Boy are you fat.

Don't pay attention to those fools,|Lardass. Davie.

And now,|the one you've all been waiting for.

The four-time champion,|our own Bill Travis.

Listen I got $10 riding|on you myself, Billy Boy.

All right. Are you ready?

Hands behind your backs, gentlemen.

Drum roll.

Hey, Lardass. Chow down, Wide Load.

Go.

Done!

Done!

Done!

You better pace yourself,|if you want to hold out.

Come on, Lardass!

Lardass, Lardass!

What the audience didn't know, was|that Lardass wasn't interested in winning.

What he wanted was revenge.

And right before he was introduced,|he'd gotten ready for it.

... Principal John Wiggins.

And our celebrity contestant|from KLAM in Portland...

... The Bossman himself, Bob Cormier!

From the racks and stacks|it's the best on wax...

... how about another double, golden oldie,|sound sandwich from KLAM in Portland...

... it's...

Done.

Diving into his fifth pie, Lardass began|to imagine that he wasn't eating pies.

He pretended he was eating cowflops...

... and rat guts in blueberry sauce.

Done.

Slowly, a sound started to build|in Lardass's stomach.

A strange and scary sound...

... like a log truck coming|at you at 100 miles an hour.

Suddenly, Lardass opened his mouth...

... and before Bill Travis knew it...

... he was covered with five pies worth|of used blueberries.

The women in the audience screamed.

Bossman Bob Cormier took one look|at Bill Travis and barfed on Wiggins.

Wiggins barfed on the lumberjack|that was sitting next to him.

Mayor Grundy barfed on his wife's tits!

But when the smell hit the crowd...

...that's when Lardass's plan|really started to work.

Girlfriends barfed on boyfriends.

Kids barfed on their parents.

A fat lady barfed in her purse.

The Donelley twins barfed on each other.

The Women's Auxiliary barfed all over|the Benevolent Order of Antelopes.

And Lardass just sat back|and enjoyed what he'd created.

A complete and total barfarama.

- Too cool!|- That was the best, just the best.

Then what happened?

What do you mean?

I mean, what happened?

What do you mean, "What happened?"|That's the end.

How can that be the end? What kind of an|ending is that? What happens to Lardass?

I don't know.

Maybe he went home and celebrated|with a couple of cheeseburgers.

Jesus, that ending sucks.

Why don't you make it|so that Lardass goes home...

...and he shoots his father.

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