Stealing Cars Page #2

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He got, as you can imagine,

completely buff.

A Greek princess falls in love with him.

They get married.

He mounts her atop Olympus on

the hourly basis until he dies at 200...

- after which, they made him a god.

- Really?

No.

Sh*t.

- Billy, you're bleeding.

- Huh?

On your back.

Whoa.

You fell, funny man.

Go to the infirmary.

I tell you what, Dwayne.

I have a job. So you don't need

to send me those checks...

that you weren't

even sending me anyway.

- How long you been sitting there?

- I don't know.

What's wrong with you?

- I got a kind of cut on my back.

- Take off your shirt.

Just like that? Not gonna

ask me out to dinner first?

At least tell me I'm pretty.

- What's your name?

- Billy.

Nurse Simms.

Now, off with that shirt, bright eyes.

Oh, man.

That bad?

What happened?

I fell.

Uh-huh.

We have a falling epidemic here.

Just gonna clean it.

Do I need stitches?

I don't know. I don't think so.

That's good because I hate needles.

Me too.

Turn around.

Can you breathe okay?

I don't know.

Feels like I broke something.

Rest.

All right, so the black guys

don't talk to the Latino guys.

And the skinheads don't talk to

the black guys or the Latino guys.

And nobody talks to the crackers.

- I love clichs.

- Yeah.

And nobody but nobody

talks to me.

I'll talk to you, Nathan.

I'll talk your goddamn ear off.

You're crazier than I thought, man.

See that guy? It's Carlos Fuentes.

- He's the alpha dog, El Gato.

- How can he be the alpha dog...

and called The Cat?

His moniker contradicts his position.

Because he shot a guy. In the eye.

Behind a Five Guys. He shot him

with a burger in his mouth.

Jesus.

- And they put him in here?

- Yeah. Mexican Mafia.

He's totally connected.

That sh*t is far-reaching.

Some kind of family thing, I think.

- You got your pads on all backwards, bro.

- Oh.

- Thanks. Am I good?

- Yeah.

All right.

Yo, Nathan got J.T.'s old helmet.

Make him the waterboy.

All right. For those of you

who just recently joined the team...

my name is Coach Carmichael.

You might remember me from my days

playing linebacker for the Eagles.

All right. Football...

- If he says football is a lot like life...

- Football is a lot like...

- I'll barf blood on his cleats.

- A lot like life.

You find something funny, Stein? Hm?

No, sir. No.

Since you like to laugh so much,

maybe we crack you up officially. Dye.

- Yeah, J.T. Show him what's up!

- Here's your tough guy.

- You ball?

- I was defensive end...

back at Erasmus Hall. Yeah.

I broke a dude's collarbone

so I got kicked off the team.

Part of the game.

He was our quarterback, so...

Son, you got Eagle potential.

A little one-on-one.

See if you can blow past Mr. Dye.

Run to daylight, p*ssy.

Sir, Nathan is a p*ssy.

He's a international p*ssy.

He's a real-deal p*ssy.

- I, on the other hand...

- Ooh!

- Damn.

- Yo, that's my boy right there.

Get up. Get up, son.

- What'd you say?

- Nothing.

- Like a rag doll.

- You want another one?

He just said something nasty

about your mama.

- Ooh...

- Oh, is that right?

Do it again.

Ooh!

- Down!

- Yeah, J.T.

- What'd you say about my mama?

- Nothing.

But you hit me like that again,

I might.

I think I busted something.

Oh...

Son of a...

Peas from last weekend.

I bet you won't be

verbing me no more.

Verbing? Would that be

in the eyeballing family, sir?

- Do it again.

- Come on, man.

Do it, J.T., do it.

Man.

Nah, I guess I wouldn't.

- Again.

- Stay down.

Ooh...

Do it again.

Ooh...

Again.

Ooh...

Do it again. Again.

Ooh...

Straight embarrassing.

This is getting ridiculous now, man.

Do it again.

Oh, man.

- What are you doing?

- He's done. He's done, man.

Hey!

Get back here!

Nice hit, Mr. Dye.

"Why is it," he said, one time

at the subway entrance...

"I feel I've known you

so many years?"

"Because I like you," she said.

"And I don't want anything from you."

You smell nice.

Like morning.

Don't.

Okay.

Whatever you did...

you're too smart to be in here.

You wanna talk about it?

You have a first name?

I sure do.

You let me know

if you change your mind.

Come on.

Coyotes singing'

A song to me

This one's on the nurse.

Conrad.

You got me the job.

Lord knows I need it.

And I will do it,

but I will not do you.

Not again. We've been down

that road before, Connie.

And it was a really short, boring trip.

I'm not gonna listen

Hey, Emmit.

Dance with Conrad, will you?

I don't dance.

The last time I danced was with my wife...

and she danced right out the door,

which is where I'm headed.

Y'all have a good night.

Big trucks are whining

On the pavement floor

Damn.

Take it easy.

Y'all need...

mm...

an IHOP.

No, y'all need

to find another place to sit.

That's what I'm saying. Y'all had

an IHOP, I'd be in there having...

the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity.

Instead, I got this.

Bernville, in all its downtown

downtrodden splendor.

Where you need to be at, son?

Don't get all existential on me, officer.

I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Where you need to be?

- The Bernville Camp for Boys.

- Get in the car!

- Shotgun.

- In the back, boy.

Let me see if I got this straight.

You broke out of camp tonight

so that I could take you back tonight?

And why, you ask? Well...

why did Sir Edmund Hillary

climb Mount Everest? Uh...

Why do dogs lick their balls?

Why did Sir Edmund lick his balls

at the summit?

So, what did you do

to land yourself in there?

Shot a man in Reno.

You're a little too young

to know about Johnny Cash.

My dad taught me.

And what does he do?

Next caller, please.

You may wanna die, but I don't.

Put that smoke out.

I suspect respect

is your biggest problem, son.

And if you lucky,

somebody won't have to beat it into you.

Now, that ain't my style.

But I ain't too old to change.

Get this cleaned up...

and me and you gonna be okay.

Yes, sir.

Blow out your candle

It will not...

- Let's go, sweetheart.

- Unh.

Compliments of Mr. Wyatt's

late-night outing...

he will be wearing

the Bernville Camp for Boys tuxedo!

He will wear it today,

tomorrow and for as long as I say!

This is not the only tuxedo

I have in stock, Mr. Dye.

Any one of you even think

about going AWOL, Mr. Stein...

I will outfit all you fish in a flash.

Now, back to your spades.

Spade.

- Look at his eye.

- Hey, yo, chill out.

- Hey, Bill.

- This good? Like this?

Here.

Uh, I stole it from breakfast.

What is all this?

It's the community

construction program.

I've been here for like two months...

and nobody seems to know

what the hell we're building.

- Coming through, coming through.

- Whose sweet ride?

It's Montgomery's.

It's his pride and joy.

He'd have sex with it if he could.

Maybe I'm giving him too much credit.

- Maybe he has.

- Mm-hm.

You better hide that sh*t.

Hey, if you could have sex with any car,

what kind of car would it be?

Phantom.

But, you know, I'd be thinking

about a Jag so, you know...

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