Stewart Lee: Carpet Remnant World Page #3

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but you just sat up there, didn't you,

going, "He's finished saying that."

(LAUGHTER)

Then you had a little think,

didn't you, about something else.

"Oh, 90,000 for an apartment

in the park."

And then you went, "Oh, what's...

I wonder what he'll say now."

(LAUGHTER)

But you... I don't...

What... I don't...

if you're sitting there, I'm not one

of these who's gonna act things out.

I just do a gag,

and I just leave it

and I walk away from it, I let people

make of it what they will, you know.

There's not...

Do you know what I mean?

(LAUGHTER)

To raise your game.

(LAUGHTER)

This next quote from an American

was on the YouTube.

You've seen that, where

the people film themselves talking.

This is an American lady talking

to the camera. She said,

"I so happy Osama be dead,

"I climb stoplight and show

my two titties at the crowd.

(LAUGHTER)

"Everyone be cheering.

Everyone be whistling.

"I so happy Osama be dead.

"My titties be

pretty big titties, too.

"Osama one holy motherf***er,

but he a man,

"and l-a say-a he'd-a got a kick

"out-a these hot titties."

(LAUGHTER)

Word.

(LAUGHTER)

This last one,

this was on the YouTube, as well.

A chap running around

in one of the big towns there

waving a flag, and he said,

"They should get

Max Hardcore out of jail..."

I didn't know who Max Hardcore was

when I heard this quote.

He's a bloke. He's in violent

American pornography.

And I didn't know who he was,

so I looked him up on the Internet.

Now I'm on the sex offenders registry.

(LAUGHTER)

Max Har... Max Hardcore.

I thought he was just

a very efficient builder.

(LAUGHTER)

This is what he...

"They should get

Max Hardcore out of jail

"to Reverse Cowgirl Osama's body

on the White House lawn.

"Max would tear that Muslim f*ggot's

dead body a new hole.

"Know what I'm saying?

They should get Max

"to Reverse Cowgirl him

on the White House lawn

"and FedEx the tapes to his family

saying, 'Look at this, you gay c*nts.

(LAUGHTER)

"'F*** with America,

you're f***ing with God.

"'Prepare to have your a**holes

ripped open."'

(LAUGHTER)

I know, it's amazing. Amazing quote.

Now, I don't think it's fair

to make hard-and-fast generalisations

about a whole society

based on just four random quotes.

But if I was gonna do that...

I'd say what have we learned

about America from these four quotes?

It's a coun... it's obsessed

with its own blind patriotism,

with its own religious fundamentalism,

with sexualised violence,

and there's a weird homophobic

undercurrent going through

some of those quotes, as well.

Interesting thing

about those four quotes.

The second interesting thing

about those four quotes, I think,

is that of those four quotes,

only two of them were made up by me.

(LAUGHTER)

Such is the depth of your blind

anti-American prejudice.

(LAUGHTER)

You've got no idea

which ones they are.

"They could all be true, Stew!

"And if they're not they should be

because that's what they're like!"

(LAUGHTER)

Making stuff up, making up quotes,

not good enough, is it?

But you know, what can I do?

I've got nothing.

I drive around and look after kids,

I've got nothing.

(LAUGHTER)

Anyway, that's enough making fun

of America and the West.

It's time now to mock Islam

and to ridicule individual Muslims.

(LAUGHTER)

People are very keen on that now.

In comedy there was a big piece in

the Daily Mail in December by Jan Moir

saying there's not enough anti-Islamic

standup in Britain at the moment.

Of course, they're very keen

on balance at the Daily Mail.

It's been a watch-word of the paper

going way back to the 1930s.

(MILD LAUGHTER)

I know, it's a good joke.

No one gets it.

- (LAUGHTER)

- So...

it's an occupational hazard of standup

now if you do a joke about anything.

And you don't immediately follow it up

with a joke about Islam.

People are, "What's wrong with him?"

These are the kind of e-mails you get.

This sort of thing.

"Dear BBC,

I enjoyed Stewart Lee's making fun

"of Chris Moyles on TV last night

"and I look forward to him mocking

the Prophet Mohammed

"in the same way next week.

(LAUGHTER)

"Yours, Norris McWhirter.

(LAUGHTER)

"Nuremberg."

(LAUGHTER)

Another one here. "Dear BBC,

"I enjoyed watching

Stewart Lee making jokes

"about crisps last night,

"but I doubt we will be seeing him

having a go

"at any Muslim snacks

in the near future.

(LAUGHTER)

"On the politically correct BBC,

"it appears there's

one law for crisps,

(LAUGHTER)

"And quite another

for those mini poppadom things

"that they sell in Marks & Spencer's.

(LAUGHTER)

"Yours, Norris McWhirter.

(LAUGHTER)

"Argentina." Yeah.

Well, it's a later postmark.

So, erm... I know, they don't get it.

It's time...

(LAUGHTER)

So time to ridicule the Muslim now,

in accordance with

the Daily Mail's demands,

and the Muslim we're gonna be

ridiculing tonight is called

Mohammed al-Qubaisi.

He's from Dubai, he's one

of the top Muslim guys out there.

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, people down there are laughing

at that, as well they should

because, of course, in Islam,

there is no pyramid power structure.

(LAUGHTER)

So succession of Imams,

er, Imams, all with equal power,

so the idea of a top Muslim is...

(LAUGHTER)

Now, anyway this is what he said.

Mohammed al-Qubaisi about Bin Laden

being buried at sea. He said,

"They can say they buried him at sea,

"but they cannot say

they did it according to Islam.

"Sea burials are permissible

for Muslims

"in extraordinary circumstances only,

"and this is not one of them."

(LAUGHTER)

Let's have a quick recap

on those circumstances.

(LAUGHTER)

Osama Bin Laden was shot in the face

at pointblank range

in front of his family after

a possibly illegal American incursion

into Pakistani airspace

following a 10-year campaign

to bring him to justice for flying two

hijacked, fully-laden

passenger aircraft

into the World Trade Center

killing literally thousands

and thousands of people.

What has made

this Mohammed al-Qubaisi so jaded?

(LAUGHTER)

That this does not fit his definition

of extraordinary circumstances?

What a jaded, jaded man, Sheffield.

Not the sort of man

you'd wanna have to organise

a surprise birthday party for.

(LAUGHTER)

So that's the Muslim ridiculed.

Time now for some

anti-Islamic standup.

Jan Moir in the Daily Mail says

there's not enough standup at Islam.

There's loads, actually,

if you think about it.

There's Roy "Chubby" Brown,

your spiritual king in this region.

He, er...

(LAUGHTER)

He goes round and round doing loads.

And Tim Minchin's done stuff about

Islam to stadiums full of people.

Of course there's dozens of British

comics of an Islamic background

talking about it all the time

night after night.

So I think really there's so much

standup about Islam,

I don't really know

what to bring to the table,

so what I've been trying to do

on this tour

is something that has not

been done before,

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