Stewart Lee: Carpet Remnant World Page #5

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I'd just have said to him,

"it's because she's religious

"and that's the same

as being mentally ill."

(LAUGHTER)

But the problem is now, right,

my wife, his mother, who I love,

she's proper religious

kinda church Catholic.

So these days, I have to maintain

a gossamer-thin false veil

(LAUGHTER)

Of painfully begrudged tolerance

for people's mad beliefs.

(LAUGHTER)

(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)

If I wanted to make me

a f***ing sandwich.

(AS ANNOUNCER)

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Just for Laughs,

the 95th Montreal

International Comedy Festival,

bringing you the best

of North American standup.

(AMERICAN ACCENT) So I said

to my wife, "Shut up, b*tch!

"Suck my dick, lick my ass

"and make me a f***ing sandwich!"

(LAUGHTER)

That's all it is for two weeks.

(LAUGHTER)

First week in English,

second week in French.

(LAUGHTER)

Weirdly, in French,

that sentence sounds

rather delightful.

(LAUGHTER)

Listen.

(LAUGHTER)

"Tais-toi, salope.

(LAUGHTER)

"Caresse mon cu! Avec ta langue,

(LAUGHTER)

"Caresse ma bitte avec tes lvres,

(LAUGHTER)

"Et quand tu as fini, sois gentille

"et fais-moi un putain

de delicieuse baguette

(LAUGHTER)

"Et en plus, je saignat de mon anus."

(LAUGHTER)

No?

(LAUGHTER)

- Right.

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Heh, er...

Okay, usually when

we're not filming the show,

that joke goes so well

that I end the first half on that.

(LAUGHTER)

"Je saignat de mon anus."

People, "Yeah! Brilliant."

(LAUGHTER)

Callback in French. Applause.

People go, "Yeah!" And I go,

"Yeah, that's the end of that."

(LAUGHTER)

You can't end it like that, can you?

You can't end it with 500

Sheffield people just looking at you.

(LAUGHTER)

Can I have about five minutes, yeah?

We got enough tape.

(LAUGHTER)

Right, okay.

I'm gonna explain what the joke is.

I'm gonna do it again.

(LAUGHTER)

Because I want to end... I want to...

You know I said I wasn't gonna

do anything differently

just because we're filming it?

I am gonna do this differently because

it'd be really awkward, you know.

It's been a high point, that side

of Sheff... I don't know. Okay.

(LAUGHTER)

"Je saignat de mon anus," right?

That is a callback

to the idea that you put a bit

about rectal bleeding

on the end of a joke to...

"Je saignat de mon anus"

that's, "I'm bleeding from my anus"

in French, right?

And it was about three minutes ago,

the set-up for that.

(LAUGHTER)

I tell you what...

I got this comic, Hils Barker,

to translate that,

and she said,

Je saignat de mon "an-nu".

And I said to her,

I'm gonna say "ay-nus".

Because then people

will have no excuse for not...

(LAUGHTER)

We don't do languages here, so...

Erm...

Even if it's obvious

what the words mean.

It's a point of principle.

Erm... (LAUGHS)

Er...

Okay, it doesn't matter, but...

(LAUGHTER)

Forget that. We'll dub a big...

You'll see this when it's made.

There'll be a huge laugh dubbed on.

It won't matter.

(LAUGHTER)

I'll cut away to a football stadium

of people.

(LAUGHTER)

I'll get some footage from

Michael Mclntyre's video, cut it in.

(LAUGHTER)

Okay, the worry is, though, that there

is a whole second half to come, right,

(LAUGHTER)

And that was just three minutes,

that callback.

And the problem is the second half

is all things that relate back

to the first half.

(LAUGHTER)

And I don't know if up there,

you've been...

I don't know what's gone in.

I think the problem is that

(LAUGHTER)

People today,

especially young people actually,

you're used to watching

little tiny things

on your phones and stuff, aren't you,

and short things.

This isn't a succession of moments.

This show is a continuum, right,

it's like a narrative.

So it's not, like... When I've said

something, you can't go,

"Oh, he said that,

I'll erase that from my mind."

You might come back...

it's like if you meet someone in life.

You're not, "I've met them,

I'll forget them now."

(LAUGHTER)

Well, anyway, so...

And I don't know what's gone in,

it doesn't matter but if... I don't...

I really wanted to film this here,

because it was so good here before

and I don't know what's

happened tonight. It's okay,

but it's not...

So I'm just gonna go back...

I'm just gonna go back

over the first half.

(LAUGHTER)

Not every line of it!

I'm just gonna flag up

things that you should have noticed.

(LAUGHTER)

And then when we get to edit this,

if the second half

is still not really good,

I won't be looking and thinking,

"Oh, I could have..."

I'll have done whatever

I could have done, yeah, to...

(LAUGHTER)

You with it?

Okay, so I...

I came out, didn't I,

at the beginning.

(LAUGHTER)

I did.

(LAUGHTER)

Remember when there was no one here?

(LAUGHTER)

And then I was here,

that's when I came out.

(LAUGHTER)

I know you didn't... Because

you were talking with your friend.

Going, "Oh...

"I went down to The Moor today."

(LAUGHTER)

With me, I think about everything,

and there was loud rock music.

Amon Duul II, that was, from Germany.

And I went, "Oh don't..."

I went, "Oh, don't play that.

That's too loud."

Play something funny

in the second half.

I always get them to play that music.

(LAUGHTER)

It's setting up a joke

for the start of the second half.

You'll see when I come back on.

(LAUGHTER)

So I came out and I talked about...

I did sort of topical stuff, didn't I,

about five minutes of topical stuff.

I expect some of you were going,

"We don't need to listen to this.

"It's sort of warm-up stuff."

You're very wrong

because it was. It's...

(LAUGHTER)

It looked very casual, didn't it?

"And what about this bit of news?"

But it all was about ideas of

idealised societies, wasn't it,

if you think about it.

And that's what I wanted you

to log from that.

I don't know if that went in.

Then I did about 10 minutes,

I read out things other people said

in a sarcastic voice

and it was funny.

(LAUGHTER)

Yes, it was, you all laughed.

(LAUGHTER)

You can't go, "That's all it was,"

and withdraw your laughter.

You can't.

Then I did about 15 minutes on

something funny my son said, didn't I?

That was about Islam,

it was quite interesting.

But at the end of the day,

what kind of a routine was that?

Oh, dear, it was a Don't Kids Say

The Funniest Things? Routine.

(LAUGHTER)

And if you're a 44-year-old standup

and you're in Sheffield

on a Friday night

talking about something funny

your kid said,

you should kill yourself right there.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

But what can I do?

I've got nothing. I've got no stuff.

I drive around, I look after kids.

I've got nothing.

I have no experiences. I don't know

about anything to talk about.

I drive round and round.

Hundred and fifty nights

I was on the road last year, you know.

I'm not complaining.

I'm very lucky to be able to do this

and I enjoy performing, you know.

Not tonight, obviously.

(LAUGHTER)

It's not enjoyable.

It's interesting. Not enjoyable.

It's like being trapped in a thicket.

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