Stewart Lee: Carpet Remnant World Page #7

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A "sh*t your pants" joke.

(LAUGHTER)

Not when some of the good stuff

has gone to nothing.

(LAUGHTER)

And when there's people

who have brought their friends

and they'll be saying to them

afterwards.

They said to them

before they brought them,

"He's like a post-modern...

"He's very clever,

he deconstructs the art of perform..."

And then their friends are going,

"I like the shitted pants bit."

(LAUGHTER)

What can you do?

I've got nothing.

I drive around, I look after kids.

I didn't want to end the first half

on a shitted pants bit.

(LAUGHTER)

I wanted to end it

on a callback in French.

(LAUGHTER)

But you wouldn't have that, would you?

You get the shows you deserve.

(LAUGHTER)

That's it,

that's how the first half ends.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

STEWART LEE:

Please welcome back, Stewart Lee.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(SILLY MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHTER)

It's not really what I...

Thank you for coming back.

So many of you.

Now when my son said, er...

"Is that a ghost?" Yeah?

(LAUGHTER)

From the first half.

He's not mad, okay?

What it is, his main thing

that he likes is Scooby Doo, right?

And he watches Scooby Doo

all the time on TV and DVD.

So consequently he's on the lookout

for Scooby Doo stuff in his life.

Like monsters, ghosts,

vampires, pirates, zombies, whatever,

because he watches Scooby Doo

all the time.

And consequently I watch

Scooby Doo all the time as well

because I do a lot of the child care.

By which I mean

I watch TV with him.

(LAUGHTER)

I care for him that way.

So I watch Scooby Doo all the time,

that's what I mainly do.

I mean, drive around doing gigs

or watch Scooby Doo with a child.

Consequently, I don't

know about anything.

I don't have any experiences

or know about anything at all.

I just know about Scooby Doo

and driving around and Scooby Doo.

I mean, you know...

If you've seen me, you know,

a couple of years ago here,

when I was good, erm...

(LAUGHTER)

By now I would have talked about

Franz Kafka and ancient history

and all, like, amazing stuff

that happened to me.

But I don't know about

anything any more.

Just don't have any interests or

experiences. You know, I mean,

in the last 18 months, for example,

I've only seen two films.

I've seen Archipelago,

which is an art film

about middle class people

on a disappointing holiday.

(LAUGHTER)

And I've seen a 70-minute cartoon

called Scooby Doo and

the Pirate Zombie Jungle Island

(LAUGHTER)

A hundred and eighty times.

(LAUGHTER)

And I now know more about Scooby Doo

and the Pirate Zombie Jungle Island

than I do about any other aspect

of human culture or history,

and I hear the pirate zombies

when I sleep

and I see the Jungle Islands

in my dreams,

and that's all that

I really know about.

I don't know about

anything else any more.

And it's very difficult being a

standup only knowing about

a pirate zombie jungle island.

Because I might see something,

"I could write a routine about that!"

But I can't because

I can only think of it

in terms of

a pirate zombie jungle island.

And that's not of interest to people.

So I've got nothing.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

You seen those rope bridges

in the jungle?

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah?

Come on, we've all seen them, yeah?

The jungle?

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I'm talking about.

The jungle canyon rope bridges, yeah?

Over the canyons in the jungle,

the rope bridges.

They're... The thing...

With all the planks, yeah.

The thing about them

that I've noticed,

the jungle canyon rope bridges.

Yeah, they're always broken,

aren't they? Have you noticed that?

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, all the planks are all smashed

and all the vines

are all frayed and hanging.

Why? Why are the jungle canyon... Why?

That's what I wanna know.

Why are the jungle canyon rope bridges

always broken?

Tory cuts.

(LAUGHTER)

They don't care about

the jungle canyon rope bridges.

They don't use them,

do they, the Tories?

Flying around in helicopters

and chauffeur-driven cars.

They pretend to be like us,

don't they?

But every now and again,

the mask slips, doesn't it,

when they pretend

to be like us, the Tories.

Remember what David Cameron

said about his wife Samantha

when he was pretending to be like us?

He said,

"In many ways

Samantha is a very ordinary girl.

"She once used

a jungle canyon rope bridge."

(LAUGHTER)

Did she f***!

Because they' re always broken,

aren't they?

Didn't used to be like that,

did it?

In the old days, in the '40s,

in the '50s, after the war.

Back then,

the jungle canyon rope bridges,

you could see your face in them,

couldn't you? Yeah.

The planks were all shiny.

The vines were tight, weren't they?

After the war, '40s, '50s,

post-war socialist Utopia,

contract with the people,

call the midwife, etc., etc. Yeah?

Remember what

William Beveridge said in 1942,

architect of the post-war socialist

democracy? This is what he said,

1942, William Beveridge, he said,

"All mystery investigating

teenagers..."

(LAUGHTER)

"...and dogs..." Dogs?

(LAUGHTER)

Dog. Dog...

You've seen that on Scooby Doo,

when they go, "Is that your dog?"

And he goes, "Dog?" Like that.

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah. He thinks he's a human,

Scooby Doo.

He's very indignant

about being called a dog.

They go,

"Would your dog like a drink?"

He goes, "Dog?" Like that, as if...

You have to watch it a lot!

(LAUGHTER)

He thinks he's a human, Scooby Doo.

Not a dog.

Although weirdly he is always

sexually aroused by female dogs.

(LAUGHTER)

Female dog comes in,

his heart's going like that.

So he thinks he's a human, Scooby Doo,

but with very low self-esteem.

(LAUGHTER)

William Beveridge, 1942,

architect, post-war socialist

democratic Utopian vision of a

better tomorrow. This is what he said.

He said "All mystery investigating

teenagers

"and dogs..." Dogs?

"Of working age..." Yeah, remember?

"...should pay

"a weekly national insurance

contribution."

That's what he said. "And in return

"all the jungle canyon rope bridges

(LAUGHTER)

"Will be fully maintained

in a safe condition."

That's what he said,

William Beveridge, 1942.

Not like that now, is it, Sheffield?

Worse if anything, wasn't it?

In the '80s under Thatcher,

yeah, remember?

Now I know it was pretty bad here

in the '80s under Thatcher.

Pretty bad where I grew up,

in the Midlands, in Birmingham.

In Birmingham,

in the '80s under Thatcher,

the jungle canyon rope bridges, well,

there weren't any, basically.

(LAUGHTER)

You go out in the '80s, in Birmingham,

under Thatcher

and you go, "I'll just cross over this

canyon." There'd be nothing there.

(LAUGHTER)

Just an empty cliff

with some stakes

hammered in the top of it.

No bridge,

just all torn vines hanging down,

blowing in the wind.

And then you'd look down over the,

down in the canyon, in Birmingham,

in the '80s, under Thatcher,

and there'd be all the Birmingham

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