Stewart Lee: Carpet Remnant World Page #9

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But skinnier.

And with less joy behind their eyes.

(LAUGHTER)

So I rang them up. I rang up

all the Russells in their hutch.

(LAUGHTER)

I said, "Hey, you Russells,

Russell, Russell, Russell."

I said to them, "I got no material.

What should I do?"

And he said,

"Never mind, just run around."

(LAUGHTER)

I've got nothing.

I drive around, I look after kids.

I got nothing. I got no ideas.

This show opened

in November in London.

In October, I'd got no ideas

what to put in it.

I was desperate.

I used to go out in the afternoon

and drive round and round

the North Circular Road in London

just hoping something funny

would happen to me.

(LAUGHTER)

But it didn't.

I just ended up with loads of ideas

for routines about the names of shops

I'd seen at the side of the road.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

So I was driving around

the North Circular, yeah?

And I drove past World of Leather.

I thought, "World of Leather!"

Imagine if it was a world

made out of leather.

I hope it is.

There might be five minutes in it.

(LAUGHTER)

So I went into World of Leather,

but it was just a shop.

(LAUGHTER)

I went up to the World of Leather.

Man, he wasn't made out of leather.

It was just made up of all

skin and hair and stuff.

I said to him, "Hey, I thought

this would be a World of Leather."

And he said, "How would that work?"

(LAUGHTER)

I said, "You get a leather chair

like that, roll it over on its side.

"You got a leather hill."

(LAUGHTER)

He said, "Get out."

(LAUGHTER)

I was desperate.

I go back in the car,

I went south down the North Circular.

West along the A40 towards Oxford

past World of Golf.

I thought, "Yes, World of Golf!

"Imagine if it was a world

made out of golf! I hope it is.

"I hope it is.

There might be five minutes in it."

I went in to World of Golf

but it's just a shop.

I went up to the World of Golf

man, he wasn't made out of golf.

He was just made up of old meat,

of water, 95%, did you know that?

95% water, all of us,

and yet they say there's a shortage.

(LAUGHTER)

I said to him, "Hey, I thought

this would be a World of Golf."

He said, "How would that work?"

I said, "You get golf clubs,

stick them in the ground like that.

"They're like trees.

(LAUGHTER)

"Golf bag kicked over on its side,

it's like a cave.

(LAUGHTER)

"Golf balls,

"they'd be things in nature,

that are white and round.

(LAUGHTER)

"Like the moon. Or a worm's egg

on the rim of a cat's bottom."

(LAUGHTER)

And he said,

"I'm gonna have to stop you there."

(LAUGHTER)

He said, "This is World of Golf."

"What you're describing

is World of Golf Equipment."

(LAUGHTER)

Golf is an abstract noun.

(LAUGHTER)

"Get out."

(LAUGHTER)

I said, "I don't care.

I don't even like golf. I hate it."

I was desperate.

I got back in the car.

I drove east along the A40,

north up the North Circular.

To Staples Corner. Office World.

There's an Office World.

"Oh, I hope it's a world

made out of offices!"

I went in the car park,

and the Office World man

came running across the tarmac

towards me.

The Office World man

and he had a typewriter for a head.

(LAUGHTER)

And staplers for hands.

And mou... Mouse, mice...

Mouse mats, mouse mice mats

for feet.

And a desk tidy

pen holding thing for his heart.

(LAUGHTER)

And he had a Balamory ruler

for his cock.

(LAUGHTER)

With Miles Jupp's face on it.

(LAUGHTER)

And he had a...

A pen lid, yeah?

Yeah, you know, a pen lid on a pen?

A pen lid, yeah?

That was his nose. A pen lid nose.

And he had a...

You know those little stickers,

about that big, white?

Little white stickers, round.

You push the middle out like a Polo.

Like a flat Polo-dimensioned sticker

and use them

for reinforcing a flimsy document

in a binder, yeah?

You seen these

little white Polo stickers.

He had about a million of them, yeah.

And they were his mind.

(LAUGHTER)

All of your thoughts, yeah?

Going round.

Then he had a little...

You know, a bit, a piece of string

about that long, green,

like wool, fibrous like wool is.

With a tag on either end.

Treasury tags,

little metal tags on either end.

He had about a thousand of them

all tied up in a big spiral

and that was his DNA.

(LAUGHTER)

Inside him, subatomic,

Crick and Watson. Yeah, DNA.

And he had, er, rubber, yeah,

and that was his brain.

And he had a...

I don't think they make these

any more, actually.

Like a black dial

with letters and numbers on it.

Black, in a housing,

a printer housing.

Remember these?

You feed a... You feed a strip of...

Remember this? Yeah.

Huh?

Yeah. You can't get them

now can you? No.

You feed a strip of,

like plastic through. You print out

words to make a label

for a desk or whatever.

Anyway, not that.

Forget about that. I'm not just...

(LAUGHTER)

Did you have one?

You remember the strip

that went through it?

I'm not interested

in the printer thing

or the top part of the strip.

What I'm talking about

underneath the strip there was a...

What?

A thing that you tore off.

Remember?

To protect the sticky part of it.

Underneath a thin, a transparent strip

that you tore off the...

That. That is what I'm talking about.

(LAUGHTER)

A transparent strip.

He had that cut up into loads

of much smaller, thinner strips

and they were like,

you know when you go, er,

when you can see all bacteria

in your eyes.

(LAUGHTER)

And he had a pencil sharpener.

You know them pencil sharpeners?

You put a pencil in it, don't you?

To sharpen it up. Yeah?

Pencil sharpener, yeah?

The pencil goes in, turn it around,

it comes out sharp.

A pencil sharpener, you've seen them.

That was his anus.

(LAUGHTER)

Anyway, I said to him,

"What's going on here?"

(LAUGHTER)

He said,

"Well, I heard you were coming."

(LAUGHTER)

"So I quickly underwent

all these painful

"and expensive surgical procedures,

"having parts of my body

replaced with stationery.

"Some of which is no Ion er

9 commercially available."

(LAUGHTER)

"I had to stay up late

and bid for it on e-Bay.

(LAUGHTER)

"And I did all this,"

he said, "with a view

"towards thwarting your attempts

to get material out of coming here."

(LAUGHTER)

I said, "Well, you didn't thwart it,

did you?"

Demonstrably, I said to him, "I got

about four or five minutes out of it."

(LAUGHTER)

He said, "I thwarted it

in the long run," he said.

I said, "How?"

He said, "Well,"

"You're a professional comic

I'm not gonna patronise you."

He said, "You know the rule of three."

I said, "That's right.

Any list of things,

"funny things,

should be three things long.

"The third one

should be the funniest."

He said, "That's right.

"So you should have done

three of the things.

"The third one should have been

either the Balamory ruler penis

"or the pencil sharpener anus,"

he said.

"But only

the pencil sharpener anus,

"if you'd had the foresight

to tie it back in to the bleeding."

(LAUGHTER)

But he said..."What I did," he said,

"You should have gone in there,

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