Stir Crazy

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Who needs Hollywood?

I hear they're

really nuts out there.

Give me a town like old New York

With lots of trees

And clean, fresh air

I need a place

Where love is everywhere

They say I'm

Crazy

Just a little bit out of whack

'Cause I always like to act

my dreams out

They call me a maniac

Well, if I'm crazy

What a wonderful way to be

Imagine all the possibilities

If the whole world was just like me

Crazy, crazy

Everyone thinks I'm crazy

But I've got a feeling

deep inside

They'd all like to be

just like me

So once in a while

Set yourself free

Who needs reality

A study in imperfection

Bit I'm just trying to find

a little affection

Wouldn't you like that too

People say I'm crazy

'Cause I say

the first thing on my mind

I guess freedom is

a serious crime these days

Well, lock the door and then

Throw away the key

I guess being crazy's best for me

Marvelous salad! Marvelous!

- May I have more, please?

- Yes, sir.

- Me, too, please.

- And count me in. it is divine.

Tell Sissie everything so far

is excellent.

- She'll be real pleased, ma'am.

- And I'll have a little more of that.

- A fraction more. One full salad.

- Yes, ma'am.

Is it ready?

- Needs a little more oregano.

- I put a whole lot in already.

Just a touch more.

Where'd you get this?

This isn't my oregano.

- Out of your bag.

- That's the waiter's bag.

Four more salads for four

very hungry people who are...

What's wrong with you, Mavis?

Harry, what is this?

That's personal.

- What is it?

- It ain't oregano.

Oh, my God.

You put this in the veal?

- And the soup.

- No!

And the salad.

Lord have mercy! Grass!

My grass.

Jesus! You've cooked half my stash!

Hello. Excuse me, dear.

May I talk with you for one minute?

Up your kazoo.

Wait, please.

I'm not trying to be a pest.

- I know you're an actress.

- Who are you?

My name is Skip Donahue.

I'm a playwright.

I saw you do a scene from "Romeo

and Juliet" at the Wilson Workshop.

You are wonderful.

I'm not just saying that to be kind.

If you don't get out of my way,

I'm going to kick you in the nuts.

Kick in the nuts?

You're fantastic, the way

you can switch characters like that.

The difference between this

and your Juliet is fabulous.

By the way, I know you're not wearing

anything underneath that coat.

What?

I also know that you're

a shoplifter, part-time.

What are you, some Looney Toon?

No. I'm the store detective

here, part-time.

Mrs. R.H. was my best customer too.

Well, I was James's best customer.

That's the guy who sold me

this African ganji '65!

Do you understand

what you've done to me?

My girlfriend Caroline,

just for a little of this...

not only was gonna let me have

her mind and her body...

but two of her girlfriends.

She'll ruin me when she finds out.

I'm finished.

Maybe she'll think it's the wine.

Think it's the wine?

There's no wine in the world that...

Smell that.

This is '65 African ganji

from the motherland!

Do you understand? It's been soaked

in the earth back home!

This is mean!

One joint of this

put Southern California...

to sleep back in '65!

Did you know there was

a revolution in '65?

We went to sleep and missed it

because of this.

This is mean. This is bad.

And you just spread it over everything.

I hope you had fun,

'cause I ain't gonna have no fun!

I saw you try on that dress

and pretend to steal it.

You even managed to look guilty,

which was terrific...

because you are a wonderful actress.

I also saw you slip into the Junior Miss

department, take off the dress...

and throw it in the trash bin.

Let me get this right, sh*t-head.

You kill me.

You think that I was

a terrific Juliet.

- You were.

- Thanks.

And you think that I stole a dress

and then threw it away!

Right.

And you don't think I have

anything on under this coat.

I know you don't.

More wine, sir?

- What is this stuff?

- It's domestic, '65. Hot, isn't it?

Was that a good year?

- Yes, the best ever.

- It's a b*tch.

What did you say?

I didn't say nothing.

I'm feeling something very strange.

That's my leg.

That's all right.

Hit him again, Harry.

Yes, ma'am.

Hitting you again, Father.

You know, I've never felt

like this before.

- Now, I'm...

- Horny?

Yes?

Which reminds me.

There's something I've always wanted

to ask someone like you.

Do you get much?

Not too often.

Just the occasional glass at dinner.

That's not what she meant.

But you haven't got a chance

You can look, bit you can't touch

Eat your heart out

You put on something, son

They're a double feature, so go on

Now you can eat your heart out

- She's bronze

- But she's off the menu

- She's not yours

- To have or even hold

- You're lost

- You can't believe it, can you

She's bad, but her love's

as good as gold

- Harry.

- Yes, yes, yes!

The most wonderful thing

in my life just happened to me.

Me too.

Her heart is taken

And you're just hanging on

She's bad, ain't she?

Cut it out.

I got fired today.

- I got fired too.

- What are you talking about?

- I got fired from my job.

- You got fired? Today?

- This afternoon?

- Yep.

- Between 3:
30 and 4:00?

- Yeah, about that.

What happened? I win a big prize?

- Yeah, baby?

- This is fantastic!

Any deaths in the family?

We can celebrate them too.

- Don't you know what I'm talking about?

- Skip!

- Hiya, Nancy.

- Nancy?

- How're you doin', honey?

- How're you doin', Nancy?

I'm sitting back there.

Nice seeing you, baby.

You don't introduce me

to something like that?

- She's not for you.

- What do you mean?

- Nancy is a fascinating girl.

- Yeah.

She may be the single hottest girl

on the Eastside...

but when you wake up in the morning,

you'll find she's not a serious person.

Neither am I.

Harry, listen to me.

For the first time in our lives,

we're free.

Yeah, we're free!

Free to walk out in the cold.

To be ridiculed,

to starve to death!

I mean we're free to get out of

this city! It's driving me f***ing...

What are you trying to pull, man?

I gave you $10.

What do you think I am, crazy?

It's 8.50 on the clock.

You gave me a buck, not ten.

- Bullshit! I gave you a ten.

- Why are you trying to steal from me?

Get lost, Chico!

You see what this city does to people?

They need room to breathe.

They need a little love.

They need affection.

The little guy needs his money...

and the big guy needs

a two-by-four upside his head.

All those two fellas need is someone

to talk to them gently, with compassion.

That's all they need.

Are you serious?

You know that I'm serious. That's

what I don't like about this city.

- You're a saint.

- Why do you make fun of me?

You ought to go to those fellas...

They're gonna understand

what you're talking about...

'Cause you convinced me.

You tell them what you told me.

Go on over there.

Skip, what are you...

Don't go over there.

Hi, Donna.

Call me?

Excuse me. Hold on.

Hold on one second, fellas.

Listen to me.

I know this is a delicate situation...

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