Stir Crazy Page #2

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but let's talk a little sense.

You don't really want to hurt

this man, do you?

No, not at all.

Do you want more

than what's coming to you?

- No, that's all right.

- Then we're halfway home.

- Can't we work this out?

- It's okay with me.

By the way, sir,

what is your name?

Alex.

- And you, sir?

- My name is Chico.

Alex, may I present Chico.

- Chico, this is Alex.

- How do you do?

Wallet.

Thanks.

- Does this include the tip?

- Yes. And keep the other dollar.

Thanks, man. Thanks a lot.

I'm going to leave you alone because you

seem to have a nice friendship starting.

- Have a nice evening.

- Thank you.

- So long, fellas.

- Take care.

- Well?

- What if you got hurt?

Did you think about that?

Do you see what can be accomplished

if you can get people...

to make real contact

with each other?

The little man there

had the contact.

It might've been something you said,

'cause he got his point across.

I don't like it here anymore.

I want to get out.

Let's go where there's

some sunshine...

Where there's human feelings

between people...

where there's tenderness and kindness,

where the noise level is not so loud.

You want to leave

New York? Broadway?

- You love New York and Broadway?

- I got a call-back on a Neil Simon play.

I'm an actor, and I'm going to stay

in New York. That's right.

You made $35 last year as an actor.

- How much you make as a playwright?

- I made nothing as a playwright!

That's why I want to get out

of this place. Let's go someplace.

We can head out west.

We could grab odd jobs along the way,

build up a wonderful nest egg...

then head for Hollywood.

That's the place for you and me.

Picture it.

Harry and Skip in the Sunbelt.

Out there in the Sunbelt...

you just smile

and they pour money on you.

And the women.

Oh, God, the women.

Natural, robust...

open, carefree, uninhibited...

healthy.

Talk some more.

- You can talk sh*t, man.

- Just picture this.

You and me, and two girls...

Romping through the desert...

Splashing into the ocean.

And the moonlight is out.

We just catch a glimpse

of their bodies...

When the moonlight

hits their breasts.

We watch those breasts

bounce gently to and fro...

In the sand?

After the water, we go in the sand,

but we'll have a blanket.

- You're serious.

- That's what I'm trying to tell you.

- Let's go! California, here I come!

- Got money for gas?

What's the matter?

- A hundred and fifty?

- A hundred and fifty bucks?

That's going to put

a hell of a debt in our bankroll.

Don't worry.

Jobs shouldn't be hard to find here.

I think this is

a little bit too much.

I have a good feeling

about this town.

I think this is going to be

our lucky town.

Give me the five back, please.

Merry Christmas.

- How'd you do on the job front?

- I drew a blank, man.

I have one possibility.

It's nothing ideal,

but it's a start.

I have something very important

to tell you.

I love this place!

I'm thrilled here!

I'm telling you I'm... I'm thrilled.

- I'm thrilled for you.

- You can almost taste the atmosphere.

You know what this is going to do

for my writing?

See those two guys?

You can see the history of the Sunbelt

written across their faces.

- Those guys'll bring your hat to you.

- Don't worry. Excuse me for a minute.

I'd love to talk with those fellas.

I want to capture some of their rhythms.

- It won't take you long to do that.

- I'll be right back.

Jesus Christ. Goddamn. Skip!

Hiya, fellas.

Hello.

How are ya? I'm Skip Donahue.

I'm from back east.

Me and my buddy just drove...

My buddy and I

just rolled into town.

We were wondering, what is

the job situation like around here?

That surprised me.

Mind if I try it?

Excuse me, gentlemen.

I just want to speak to my friend.

- Man!

- Speak about what?

Socializing can be hazardous

to your health with these people.

- Those are nice guys.

- Yeah, when they take your head off.

- Tell me about the job opportunity.

- It's in banking.

We don't know a thing

about banking.

We don't have to know

anything about banking.

I've sold the manager

on a new promotion idea.

Oh, you'll save money

knock on wood

When you do what

a good woodpecker should

Save for a horse

or a brand-new ranch

When you flock to

the Glenboro Savings branch

You can feather your nest

with frills

Fill your garage

with Coup de Villes

Just relax if you have a big bill

Are you really a woodpecker?

I'm just a man

pretending to be a woodpecker.

That's a real woodpecker.

What you can do

Be a smart bird too

You little pecker, you

You gotta admit...

for an interim gig,

this really wasn't bad.

Down on the floor!

Everybody stay where they are,

and nobody gets hurt.

- Looks like trouble.

- I wonder what happened.

- Let's not find out.

- It might be something important.

Would you mind stepping downtown

and looking at some mug shots?

Maybe you can identify those guys.

There they are! The New Yorkers!

- Is there anything we can do to help?

- Is that your van?

- What the hell's wrong? No, sir.

- Yes, sir.

- It doesn't look familiar.

- What are you doing?

I can't believe it.

This is my first frisk.

- I hope you're enjoying this. Listen.

- What are you doing?

Romping through the desert,

all right.

But I don't see no naked women.

I should have my head overhauled

for listening to you.

My grandmother was right.

Cow sh*t for brains.

- Me?

- No, me!

- What are you doing?

- I'm gettin' bad.

Better get bad, 'cause if you ain't bad,

you're gonna get f***ed.

You bad, they don't mess with ya.

Hey, home, get down!

You a little too bad.

- Do some of these. Right on.

- Yeah!

All right. Here we go.

That's right.

That's right, we bad.

We don't want no sh*t, either.

- That's right.

- Darn right.

We don't want no sh*t.

You understand?

We don't take too much sh*t.

They love us.

We don't take sh*t.

Damn right.

- That's right. Say "no sh*t."

- No sh*t.

That's right. No sh*t.

- Try it again.

- We don't take no sh*t.

- No sh*t.

- No sh*t for me.

- We ain't shittin'.

- You better believe it, baby.

What the hell's wrong with him?

Oh, sh*t.

Come on, man.

Carry me back to ol' Virginny. Lord!

Did you get it?

There it is...

Right on the end of your nose.

Sinsemilla!

- Give me a light.

- He wants a light.

Right on.

Man wants a light.

A light.

Why?

Oh, sh*t!

Short-ass son of a b*tch, ain't ya?

I'm a short son of a b*tch.

My father was a short

son of a b*tch too.

My mother was shorter than him...

And my brother was real short

and we couldn't even see him.

He was a short son of a b*tch.

- What's your charge?

- I'm innocent.

- Ain't we all?

- Bank robbery.

You can kiss the baby.

"Kiss the baby"?

What baby is that, sir?

Ask your lawyer.

- I'm Slowpoke.

- Hi, Slowpoke. This is Harry.

This state gives the longest sentences

in the country for everything...

especially for bank robbery,

but it's misleading.

So don't wet your pants,

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