Strange Brew

---

Bob

Hey, growl will you?

Doug

Make some noise, you knob!

Bob

Yeah, we gotta start the movie, eh? He's not growling.

Doug

Gee, I think he's bummed out.

Bob

Stick a pin in his bum, eh?

Doug

No way.

Bob

[to lion] What are you on, Valium?

Doug

Maybe I ought crank his tail, eh, that ought to start him up. [cranks

lion's tail] Ok, start up, come on, eh!

Bob

Maybe we ought to call Marlin Perkins, eh? Get Wild Kingdom here, eh?

Oh geez, he's getting mad.

[Bob and Doug notice that the camera is on]

Doug

Oh geez, we gotta get going!

[Both run to stage set and sit down]

Bob

Do the theme, eh?

Doug

[gives Great White North theme]

Bob

Good day, eh. Oh, hey, do our new movie theme, eh?

Doug

[gives Great White North fanfare]

Bob

Beauty, eh? Good day, I'm Bob McKenzie, this is my brother Doug.

Doug

How's it going, eh?

Bob

Welcome to our movie, eh? Ok, our topic is movies. First off, the

difference between movies and tv. Ok, go to tv!

[scene shifts to television set with Bob and Doug]

Bob

This is the difference between tv and movies, eh?

Doug

So?

Bob

Ok, go back to movies!

[lion roars]

Bob

Geez, now that hoser's growling!

Doug

Yeah.

Bob

Take off, will you? We're doing our movie!

Doug

Yeah, don't wreck our show, you hoser!

Bob

Ok, another topic. Zoom out, eh?

Doug

Yeah.

Bob

Let's show them how big the screen is, eh? Zoom out!

Doug

Look how HUGE it is, eh?

Bob

Ok, like normally we just have Great White North, eh? But look, we

got, what's that over there?

Doug

Ok, like England, and Ireland, and France, eh?

Bob

He's a genius, eh? He knows the atlas. Ok, and over here we have...

Doug

Uh, Russia and Hawaii.

Bob

Ok, so all hosers in Russia and Hawaii and England, welcome to our

movie, eh?

Doug

How's it going...COMRADES?

Bob

Ok, we made, uh, zoom back in, eh? [camera zooms back in] Ok, we made

a movie, eh? So we're going to show that now.

Doug

Yeah. Oh, wait a minute. First you've got to interview me the

director.

Bob

I've got to put up the screen, too, eh.

Doug

Don't forget. Ok, zoom in on me, the director. Come on!

[Camera zooms in on Doug]

Bob

I directed, too, eh?

Doug

Yeah, well, I've got to give them my theory on movies, eh? Ok, here's

my theory on movies, eh? You want to know how to wreck a movie, eh?

Take a jar of moths into the theater, eh?

Bob:
[Fumbles with movie screen, it collapses] Sorry.

Doug

And then, like, release them at a point in the movie when you know

what's going to happen, and all the moths will fly up to the projection

booth window and cloud it up and you can demand your money back! Beauty

idea, eh?

Bob

Ok. Zoom out, eh? [Camera zooms out] Ok, this movie was shot in 3-B,

three beers, and it looks good, eh?

Doug

Hoserama. Call it hoserama, eh?

Bob

Ok, so we made a movie. So sit back and get some corn, and let's

have..uh..it's movie time.

Doug

Ok, turn it on.

Bob

Ok. [turn on projector]

----------------------------------------------------------------

[SCENE TWO - Their movie]

[Sign says

2051 A.D. Ten years after World War 4.]

Bob

Give 'em enough time to...

Doug

[reads sign] What?

Bob

No, more.

Doug

They saw it already!

[Both fight over sign, the camera cuts to Bob on beach]

Bob

I was the only one left on the planet after the holocaust, eh?

Doug

[off camera to Bob] Hey hoser, go!

Bob

The earth had been, like, devastated by nuclear war. Like, Russia blew

up the US and the US blew up Russia. [picks up statue from ground]

Statue of Liberty.

Doug [off camera]

Psst! Act, act!

Bob

Lucky for me I'd been off-planet on vacation at the time of the war.

There wasn't much to do. All the bowling alleys had been wrecked, so

I spent most of my time looking for beer. One day I was out looking

for a nice place to build a city for my children when I spotted a

mutant in the forbidden zone. I landed my vehicle to pursue and

destroy this genetic freak before he could warn other mutants in the

underground caves. I was kind of like a one man force, eh, like

Charlton Heston in Omega Men, did you see that? It was a beauty.

[Doug leaps out and confronts Bob]

Fleshy-headed mutant, and you friendly?

Doug

No way, eh? Radiation has made me an enemy of civilization!

Bob

Alpha base, this is Bob McKenzie. I've spotted a fleshy-headed

mutant in sector 16B. [shoots Doug with ping-pong ball gun]

Doug

Ow! Take off, you hoser!

[film breaks]

Bob

Geez, what happened, eh? Film broke! Oh geez, we've got to fix it,

eh? Sorry!

Doug

Sorry!

Bob

[looks into projector light] I can't see, eh! Turn the lights on!

Doug

[points to Bob] It was his fault, he wrecked it!

Bob

It was not, eh! Geez, we had a lot of popcorn, too. Ok, you cover,

I'll fix the film, eh?

Doug

Oh, I'm getting whiplash from my burps, eh?

[Bob tinkers with projector, and knocks the reel off]

Doug

Aw, nice going, you knob!

Patron [off camera]

Hey! What kind of movie is this?

Doug

Ok, uh, here's how to get, zoom in on me, eh? Zoom in on this! [camera

zooms to a beer bottle with a mouse in it] Ok, here's how to get free

beer, eh? Get a baby mouse and, like, put it in a bottle, and when

it's so small it will fit in, like, this hole, eh?

[Camera cuts to movie theater]

Patron

Hey! They did this on their album! Rip off!

Patron 2

Will you shut up!

Patron

AAAhhh, you shut up!

Doug [trying to insert mouse]: Like maybe with some spit...

Bob

Ok, we not going to be able to fix the film, eh, so here's what

happened in the film. After I chased the van, eh...

Doug

Don't tell them the film, eh, you're supposed to show it.

Bob

But we can't show it because it's wrecked, eh?

Doug

Just show it like this, eh? [hold up film] Zoom in on this, eh?

[camera zooms in]

Bob

Geez, that's a good idea, eh?

Patron

That's it, we're leaving, kids. Come on!

Bob [in theater]

How come everyone's going, eh?

Doug

I don't know. It get's better.

Patron 3

What a waste of money! Where's the manager? Get me the manager!

Old lady

I hope you're proud of yourselves...

Doug

Take off, eh?

Bob

Geez, how come everyone's so ticked, eh?

Doug

I don't know, but we might as well really wreck this movie now.

Bob

Did you bring the moths?

Doug

Yeah. Here we go, eh? [releases the moths]

[patrons stampede out of theater, sirens sound outside]

-----------------------------------------------------------------

[SCENE THREE - Outside theater]

Patron [to teller]

Well then how about a couple of passes to a REAL movie? Can you

believe this?

[Bob and Doug emerge from hiding]

Bob

Let's get out of here, eh?

Doug

No, not that way, well get killed.

[They run out side door and run into man with crying children]

Man

They've been saving their allowance for weeks to see this movie. What

am I supposed to tell them? Just what the heck am I supposed to tell

them!?

Bob

We're real sorry. Here's some money back, it's only fifteen bucks,

here take it.

Doug

Take off, that's dad's beer money!

Man [off camera]

Hey look! They're giving refunds in the alley! Get them!

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