Strange Brew Page #2

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[Bob and Doug run off]

Doug

Watch out, cops, eh?

Bob

What?

Doug

Cops!

[Cop runs into Bob, accidently kneeing him in groin]

Bob

Ooo! Good thing I'm still wearing that jock, eh?

Doug

Wait up, eh?

Bob

You hurry, you hoser!

Patron

That's them! Get them!

[Bob and Doug climb into their van]

Doug

Who's driving?

Bob

You drive, there's a lot of cops around.

Doug

Ok, thanks, eh?

[Bob grabs ticket off windshield]

Bob

It's a twenty! Beauty, eh?

[Doug starts the van and takes off]

Bob

Hey, what are you going this way for?

Cop

Ok, hold it right there. Road block! Go that way!

Bob

Hey officer, I told him to go the other way!

Doug

Sorry.

Bob

My brother's drunk!

Doug

I am not, eh?

Cop

All right, move it, let's go!

**************** OPENING CREDITS ************************

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[SCENE FOUR - The McKenzie house]

[Bob and Doug pull into the driveway]

[Parents on couch watching Tom and Jerry]

Doug

[pushes Bob out of the way] First come first served, eh?

[They raid the donut box and beers -- one for Hosehead]

Bob

Here, boy.

Dad

Save one of those beers for me, eh!

[Bob and Doug guzzle their beers -- the last ones. They try to take

back Hosehead's, but he growls at them]

Bob

He's guarding the beer, what do we do?

Doug

Bribe him.

Bob

Yeah! Get him a donut--jelly, he likes jelly. Jelly donut coming!

Doug

Ok, Hosehead! Mmmm...delicious jelly donut.

[They toss the donut to the dog and grab his bowl of beer]

Bob

Get a glass, eh?

Dad

What the heck's going on in there?

Bob and Doug

We're just getting your beer.

[Pour *gross* beer into glass]

Doug

You take it to him.

Bob

No way, eh? You take it to him.

Doug

No, you.

Bob

No, you take it. I'm letting go of the beer.

Doug

Ok, fine.

[Glass drops to the floor and breaks]

Doug

Dad, Bob broke your beer!

Bob

No I didn't, Doug broke it!

Mom

Clean up the mess, boys.

Dad

I want you hosers to get me a fresh case of beer first thing in the

morning.

Bob

We're going to need some money!

Dad

Use the money I gave you today, you idiots!

Doug [to Bob]:
Way to go, you gave away the money.

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[SCENE FIVE - Beer store]

Bob

What's going to happen if this plan doesn't work, eh?

Doug

The old man will boot us out of the house and we'll have no place to

sleep, eh?

Bob

Yeah, I can live in this van, eh? I don't need...

Doug

Take off! You need money to live or you'll starve!

Bob

Well this plan sucks, I'm not going in.

Doug

You are, too, or I'll tell the old man you gave away his beer money.

Bob

Ok, ok...you boss me around...

Patron

Morning George! [buys beer and walks off]

Attendant

Well?

Doug

Elsinores.

Bob

Twelve!

Doug

Twenty-four, yeah, twenty-four Elsinore beers.

Attendant

Twenty-four Elsinore! That will be $14.70.

Doug

I believe there will be no charge on this two-four of beer, thank you.

Attendant

Excuse me?

Doug

Ok, uh, we found this mouse in a bottle of Elsinore beer that we bought

at your beer store, eh? And we heard that when that happens you get

your beer free.

Bob

It's in the Canadian Criminal Code, eh. Like there's legal precedence

set in cases in law, eh?

Doug

So, like give us our free beer.

Attendant

You want free beer? Go to the brewery. Now get out of here before I

put the two of you in a bottle.

Doug

You sure you don't want to think this over?

Attendant

[seizing them both by their collars] I'm sure.

Doug

Ok, we're going.

Bob

Yeah.

Doug

See ya.

[Everybody in store ridicules them]

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[SCENE SIX - Outside the brewery at fork in road]

Bob

Geez, there's a lot of arrows, eh? Elsinore castle, uh, Elsinore

brewery, Royal Canadian Institute for the Mentally Insane..hey, that's

the loony bin, eh?

Doug

Yeah, sure looks spooky up there. I don't the looks of this at all.

Bob

Where should we go? The loony bin or the brewery?

Doug

I'm taking YOU to the loony bin and I'm going to the brewery.

Bob

Take off, eh? Take me to the brewery.

Doug

Ok, but then I'm taking you to the loony bin!

[cut to car stuck in electric fence]

Doug

Oh geez, look at that!

Pam

Help!

Bob

Geez, what should be do, eh?

Pam

Get me out of here!

Doug

Hold it! Your tires are insulators--don't get out of the car or you'll

ground and get electrocuted.

Bob

He hooked up our stereo, eh?

Pam

I can't get out, the doors are stuck!

Doug

You know what we've got to do, eh? Ram her from behind! Come on!

Bob

Who's driving?

Doug

You are...in case she sues for whiplash I don't know you...I'm just a

hitch-hiker, eh?

Bob [to Pam]

You won't sue for whiplash, will you?

Pam

Hurry!

[They climb into the van and ram the car, knocking it free]

Pam

Hey! Thanks a lot!

Bob

Ok, eh! Did you see her looking at me?

Doug

Yeah, because she thought you were some kind of freak, now come on!

Bob

Take off, she likes me, eh?

[cut to villains in their computer room -- Bob and Doug on

surveillance equipment]

Claude

What happened?

Ted

There was a power surge at the main gate. We lost picture, but we

have it back now.

Claude

Is she here?

Ted

Yes. But she's not alone, she's got two guys with her.

Claude

Lawyers! I knew this would happen! Don't let them in.

Ted

[monitors crackle with static] They're already in. Dang distortion,

that's twice.

Claude

Where is he?

Ted

Oh, he's back in the 'thing.'

[Claude knocks on hidden door -- it opens and Brewmeister Smith

emerges--from a bathroom]

Smith

Yes?

Claude

She's here.

Smith

What are YOU doing here?

Claude

Uh, Ted said she had lawyers with her...I thought we should discuss it.

Ted

I did NOT say they were lawyers, YOU said they were lawyers.

[Smith looks at monitor, which shows Bob and Doug kicking car tires in

the parking lot]

Smith

They don't look like lawyers to me! [to Claude] Do you have the check?

Claude

Yes, it's right here [pats shirt pocket].

[Smith grabs Claude's tie and lifts him up]

Smith

Did her mother sign it?

Claude

Yes, she did.

Smith

And you know what to do.

Claude

Yes, yes I know.

[cut to Bob and Doug outside of the brewery]

Bob

It's real big, eh?

Doug

Yeah, don't get scared. Just think of all the free beers we're going

to get.

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[SCENE SEVEN - Inside brewery]

Secretary

Good morning, how may I help you?

Doug [pointing to picture on wall]

We have an appointment with that guy there, eh?

Secretary

I'm sorry, Mr. Elsinore passed away recently.

Doug

Uh, yes. We made the appointment with the deceased quite some time

ago. We were away on business, eh?

Secretary

[flips through Roledex] How long ago was it?

Doug

When did he die?

Secretary

I beg your pardon?

Bob

Uh, wait. Ok, you know his replacement, the new boss. We made our

appointment with him, eh? What was his name again?

Secretary

I'm afraid that's private company business.

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