Strange Wilderness

Now I'd like to show you

how smart he is.

Let's have some fun

and play Animal Quiz with Michael.

Michael. Come on, Michael.

You see what a good trainer I am.

Oh, there he comes.

I got the wrong end.

Goats are distinguished

by a narrow head,

a bearded chin,

in the male, a short upturned tail.

It's been called the "poor man's cow"

because it yields

more milk for its size...

Jesus Christ!

God.

It's all right.

Ostriches are a pretty funny bird.

They can't fly but they like to dance.

And they don't really bury their heads

in the sand

but they do eat stones and shirts.

Look at my dad. He was the king.

I mean, no matter what happened,

I mean, he was as cool as a cucumber.

He never forgot a line.

And he never let anything ruffle him.

My dad was the king.

No doubt.

And his TV show ruled the ratings.

What was that?

Excuse me.

It was a wildlife show

called Strange Wilderness.

Yeah, you remember that?

Do you remember my dad?

Oh, cool.

Yeah, then he died

and then I took over the show,

then it all went to hell and... I mean,

I'm nothing like my dad. Nothing at all.

I don't know. I don't know

if it was like I wasn't bright enough or

I didn't work hard enough or...

I used to smoke a lot of dope, so...

No, I quit. Yeah, totally.

What happened to the show?

At first, it was great.

I had a really good crew.

We were doing what we loved.

But then...

I don't know, things got a little strange.

All right, people, we're losing light!

We need animals on film.

We need animals on film now!

Cooker! Look, I need the slinger tripod.

Break out the kreel.

And I need a Mercury lens

'cause I'm gonna reverse out

all the glass. Got it?

Okay.

It was a nice chat.

- Talk to me, Milas. How we doing?

- We're doing fine.

A couple of more minutes.

This damn thing's stuck again.

Hang on, people. I am picking up

an underwater bubbling sound.

I'm not sure what it is,

but, I mean, it is bubbling furiously.

Junior, knock it off.

All right, whatever it was, it's gone now.

Pete?

This is my nephew, the kid

I was telling you about, you know?

He's a little green

and he sure loves his herb

but around you guys,

when in Rome, huh?

All right, well, hey, any nephew of Milas'

is a nephew of mine.

Hey, welcome aboard.

Don't! No.

- You okay?

- I'm okay.

It's not a good time for me right now.

So, all right. Get into frame.

I think we're just about set.

All righty. Be about right here.

Fred, you got the stuff? Ready?

- This is a bar napkin.

- Yeah.

This is it?

Our entire voice-over for our show

on bears is written on a cocktail napkin?

Yeah, we wrote it last night

at P.J. Mahoney's.

"Bears are large and brown."

All right. Come on.

Not all bears are large.

How about baby bears?

"Bears derive their name

from a football team in Chicago."

No. It's the other way around.

Jesus Christ, Fred, come on.

"It is estimated that bears kill

over two million salmon a year.

"Attacks by salmon on bears

are much more rare."

All right, that's gotta be true, right?

All right, let's go with that one.

Let's get me standing here.

And on my count.

Four, three, two, one, zero,

and I'm talking now.

Yes, the bear is a fierce animal...

I hear that weird bubbling sound again.

It's not bubbling.

Junior, I said knock it off.

Okay, ready? Keep rolling.

Three, two, one, go.

Yes, the bear is a fierce animal,

much more fierce than we know.

It is estimated that bears kill

over two mill...

We got fog rolling in, man.

In a year.

It's not fog.

Milas, can you help me out here?

For God's sake, Junior,

just set the bong down.

Thanks.

All right, let's go.

And three, two, one, go.

Yes, the bear is a fierce animal,

much more fierce than we know.

It is estimated that bears kill

over two million salmon a year,

although attacks by salmon on bear

are much more f***ing rare!

Cut!

Gaulke, how many times

have we told you,

you can't shoot without a permit?

You've got a $500 fine coming.

Now, pack up your stuff

and leave the forest.

By the way, this is fire season.

Smokey the Bear says,

"Put out the bong!"

Okay. Okay, thank you!

Okay, let's take it from... Let's see...

Let's see, from,

my time code says 08:40:22.

We are cued up. Strange Wilderness,

episode 21, "Bear Elegance."

We have sound speed now.

Three, two, one, push the button, go.

Bears are a proud people,

although they're not people per se,

they're animals.

Bears derived their name

from a football team in Chicago.

Bears have been known to attack man,

although the fact is that fewer people

have been killed by bears

than in all of World War I

and World War II combined.

Brown bears loves fishing...

Brown... Brown bears bloves...

God, why am I having so much trouble

saying "brown"?

Maybe it's the two B's in "brown bears."

Try something different.

I got it. I'm ready. Okay.

Red bears love fish.

Pete, you're late for your meeting

with Lawson down at K-PIP.

Deb, we're in the middle

of a recording session,

so every f***ing thing you say

is going down on tape.

Oh, right, like you guys ever care

about that crap?

Okay, stop recording.

Turn it...

Turn off everything.

Put away, put away everything.

Okay, everything's shut off.

Now, Deb, what's so important?

Your meeting with Lawson

was supposed to start 20 minutes ago,

you stupid a**hole.

Sh*t.

Hey, fellas, I was bombed last night

at P.J. Maloney's.

By the way, did you guys notice

any sediment in that tequila?

'Cause some kind of pebble or rock

or something clogged up my penis hole

and my Johnson swelled up

like a f***ing water balloon

hooked up to a tea kettle.

F*** you! You wanna fight?

Here we are. Pull over.

You guys better hustle up.

You're 45 minutes late for the meeting.

You guys better hustle up.

You're 45 minutes late for the meeting.

Great. I'll tell him you called. Thank you.

Good morning. We have

an 11:
00 meeting with Mr. Ed Lawson.

Sorry we're a little late.

Dude, Sky Pierson.

Hey, Pierson, TJ.

Well, as I live and breathe.

Peter Gaulke

and his shadow, Fred Wolf.

No, no, not Pete and Fred.

It's more like Neil and Bob.

Or is that just what they do?

Hey, so what are you guys doing here?

We're talking to Lawson about bringing

our wildlife show over here to K-PIP.

It's great, 'cause Lawson's in there

jumping through hoops

trying to make the deal work.

It is so much fun

to have your ass royally kissed.

Yeah, it is.

I mean, after all, it's not your fault

that our budget

blows yours to kingdom come.

And you must miss

your father's skills, am I right?

Yeah.

Yeah, actually it's...

Yes, just at times when I...

You know what, we've got to go.

Later, huh?

Seriously, good luck, dude.

Awesome.

You know, I know he was jiving us

a little, but Sky Pierson's so cool.

Oh, yeah, you kidding me?

He is the king

of wildlife show hosts, man.

All right, come on, let's see Lawson.

- This is it.

- Germans do it.

All right, let's cut to the chase.

The ratings for Strange Wilderness

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