Strange Wilderness Page #2

have been dropping considerably

for the past two years.

Okay, now, when my dad had the show,

you aired him at 7:00

and we're on at 3:00 a.m. So...

Pete, let me finish.

I haven't even started yet. Okay?

Let's take the crappy ratings aside.

Throw them aside.

The network has taken so much flak

for the perceived irresponsibilitys

of your show.

I had my assistant

put together some clips.

Oh, fun.

Let me tell you something. I am

disturbed by what I'm seeing. Okay?

Many of these animals are... Whoa,

something's about to go down here.

Oh, I can smell a good time

on the horizon. Oh, that's it.

Slice me off a piece and serve it up hot.

I'm next in line.

Okay.

That's okay, right?

Sad.

Okay? What about this?

Hey, stick around

because when we come back, we're

gonna find us some pygmy people.

All right, all the littering aside,

how do you refer

to the indigenous people, the natives,

as pygmy people?

That's just wrong!

What? No.

I like all people.

It's Fred who's the racist.

You ought to hear what he says

about the Chine.

- Right?

- What?

You are so not getting this, are you?

Take a look.

Oh, my God!

I mean, it's...

Luckily we caught it on tape,

so that man will be honored.

You wanted to honor the man

by showing him being killed

by an alligator on your wildlife show?

All right, what about this?

A guy on fire at a peace rally.

Did you guys ever think

of putting the cameras down

and helping the guy out?

And what was that music playing?

Some sort of Jesus music underneath?

Was that at the rally

or did you add that? What was that?

What about this?

Now, what the hell is that?

It's the African wilderness.

It's natives doing a war dance.

That's not Africa.

Right, well, not totally.

See, a lot of the women of the bush,

they're not really that good-looking.

So, we got these girls instead.

They're from Long Beach.

Stop talking. Please.

You know, ever since your dad died,

the quality of the show

has gone straight downhill.

And now with the ratings in the toilet,

there's no reason

to keep the show on the air. None.

Unless something big happens.

I have no idea.

Okay, wait. Now, something big.

Now, what do you mean by "big"?

Well, why are we even discussing it?

Nothing big is going to happen.

The show sucks.

And I am officially, right now, telling you

that two weeks from now

the show is cancelled.

I've given you notice.

Thanks for coming in.

All right.

Think. We gotta think.

Okay, we're not cancelled yet.

Cooker, go get us

a few quarts of coffee.

This is gonna be a long night.

Now, may I interject for a second

and say no, politely.

What I'm trying to say is that

you drank coffee yesterday.

You're gonna drink coffee tomorrow.

The point is that

I'm not some great white stallion

sprinting from shantytown

to shantytown,

crushing up java beans

just to bring them around to my friends.

Come on, we gotta think.

We gotta come up with some big idea

that's gonna keep us on the air.

Now, come on.

Hey, Junior, how 'bout you, fresh blood?

You got any ideas?

Yoo-hoo.

Hey.

- Hey. Hey.

- Shut up.

What? Sorry.

Dude, what is on your eyes?

Oh, man. Oh, yeah, this is so weird.

It like looks like I have eyeballs

or whatever.

I smoked some weed the other...

Oh, sh*t, wait, hold on.

I smoked some weed the other night

and I think the sh*t was laced,

because I went out right away

and got these tattoos on my eyelids

to make it look like when I was sleeping

that people would think

that I was awake.

Pete, you know

what might drive up the ratings?

What about a celebrity host?

Yeah. That would be great.

We could get someone really cool,

like Jack Nicholson.

Oh, yeah. I know where he lives

up in the Hollywood Hills.

I know some guys who used

to dump over his garbage cans,

like in a jealous rage.

You remember Fat Johnny?

- Powers.

- Yeah, you know Powers.

- Yeah. He's a great guy.

- They used to shower together and sh*t.

Well, not shower,

but they were friends with benefits.

- No.

- And they spent...

Hey, how about...

Goddamn, I know one thing.

That fat bastard can eat, man.

F***, yeah. I saw him

eat a cat once. It was crazy.

I mean, this poor cat

didn't know what was happening.

Or maybe it was a lobster he ate.

- Pete.

- What?

Bill Calhoun stopped by to see you.

Oh, great. Tell him I'll be right there.

All right, this is good. Come on,

let's keep it up. Keep thinking.

Who the f*** is Jack Nocknuhson?

Hey, Bill.

- Oh, Pete. How you doing?

- Hey.

- Caught you reminiscing, huh?

- Yeah. Yeah.

I can't believe

how young I look in that photo.

- Yeah, what is that? 15, 20 years?

- A lot more than that.

Let me tell you something, Pete.

Time flies.

Yeah. So, what brings you

down from the mountain, Bill?

Business.

That's Bigfoot.

- Oh, my God.

- Yeah.

Where did you get these?

Ecuador. And I know where he's hiding.

I got the map up at my cabin.

This is great!

Okay, we're gonna go to your cabin,

get the map, we'll go find Bigfoot.

You just saved Strange Wilderness, Bill.

Not quite so fast on that.

Pete, you know I loved your daddy

like a brother,

but Pierson is willing to give me

$1,000 for the map.

- $1,000?

- Look, I need the money.

Oh, Bill!

You can't sell the map to Pierson.

I don't know where

I'm gonna find $1,000. Jeez! What if...

Hey, wait.

I got something better than $1,000.

Yeah.

I'll give you a piece of my show!

Well, no, no. No, no, no.

I need the money kind of fast.

It's all about net points.

- You're gonna make a fortune. Yeah.

- Net?

Look, 10% gets the per diem

backend accrued cost...

Let's see,

times the employee overhead at 525,

plus my finder's fee...

Pete, isn't that the TV remote?

Bill, don't change the subject!

The point is you're gonna get 10%,

which comes out to be a fortune!

Look, I wouldn't be doing this

if I wasn't strapped for cash!

I gotta have 1,000 bucks,

or I gotta go to Pierson.

All right. All right. I'll get the money.

I'll have it in a week.

I'll see you at your cabin by the 15th.

- By God, you got a deal.

- All right.

I'm glad this is going to you

and not that Pierson.

- Damn. These are great.

- Yeah.

- And Bill knows where this is?

- Yeah, South America.

This is exactly what we needed. Okay?

This is gonna be the biggest show ever.

Here's the plan.

Okay, we're gonna shoot five wildlife

shows on the way down.

Then we're gonna pay it off with the first

ever footage of the legendary Bigfoot.

Pete, I think you just saved the show,

you son-of-a-gun.

Your dad'd be proud of you, boy.

Yeah, but doggone it, I don't think

I'm gonna make the big run, fellas.

- I just can't.

- What?

But numb nuts here'll

run your camera for you.

- I understand. We're gonna miss you.

- I'll miss you, too.

Now, listen, what about that $1,000

that Bill wants for these?

All right. I need everyone to go home,

scrape up as much cash

as you can find, all right?

Think of this as an investment

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