Strange Wilderness Page #3

in your future.

If this works, we all work.

And, people, this is gonna work.

Hey, Debbie!

Debbie!

I need you to set up interviews

for an animal handler, stat!

And for the last seven years,

I've worked at an auto body shop,

so I don't really have any experience

in your field, per se.

Never really handled animals before.

But I have handled other things and...

I don't know,

I just really need a job, so...

Can we think about it?

Yeah. And not very hard?

You really needing a job is depressing.

You smell of desperation.

I mean, who wants to be around that?

Well, I wouldn't smell like desperation

if I had the job, right?

Well, if you want,

we could hire you, fire you,

push you into a mud puddle,

and then you can keep this

whole sad sack train chugging along.

Jesus, man,

a month on the road with this guy,

I'd shove an exhaust pipe

through my f***ing heart.

Yeah, why don't you go

make a blues album?

Yeah, you could call it

"I'm a Poor, Little Sad Sack."

No job.

Next! Debbie!

I don't want the job.

Thank you, but no thanks.

Next applicant!

No, thank you.

Maybe you can offer the job

to a crazy person.

You'll have better luck.

Next!

You guys are out of your f***ing minds.

Yeah. Yeah. Run back to junior high.

It'll be great.

Debbie! Debbie!

You're off-the-chart nuts!

Next!

- You're insane!

- Next!

- And rude!

- Debbie!

- Debbie!

- Next!

Well, welcome aboard, Whitaker.

We're gonna have a great trip.

Thanks for hiring me, guys.

I really appreciate it.

I just want you to know I'm gonna

apply myself and do the best I can

to be the best animal handler

you guys have ever had.

I know I don't know a lot about animals,

but I'm gonna learn, I'm gonna read.

I feel like I got a handle on, you know,

what the best way to be an animal, so...

- Good job.

- Keep it up.

Okay, take care now.

Well, hello. So, Cheryl, I'm sure this...

Glad you could join us.

This is Cheryl, Fred.

- Hi. How are you?

- Cheryl's friends with cousin Bob.

Travel agent.

Yeah. She's gonna...

I'm sorry, Bob did not tell me

that you were so damn...

Sorry?

Nothing.

Okay.

Okay, the plan is, all right, is to head

towards the coast through the Mojave

and then we'll just make a quick detour

to the Tribily Mountains

to Bill Calhoun's cabin,

grab the map and cross the border.

Great. Good job, Cheryl.

Gotta go. Keep on keeping on.

- Oh, yeah.

- Okay.

You know, she seems nice.

I really like her.

Oh, man, halfway through this trip,

she'll fall for me.

- I'll be laying some serious pipe.

- Oh, yeah.

- Hi, what's up?

- Hey!

I just felt like I should assure you,

you know, I get it.

I mean, you guys have been together

for a really, really long time.

You're about to go out

into the wilderness.

I mean, the last thing you need

is a woman in your midst

to short-circuit the whole process.

Debbie the downer, right?

"Oh, no, can't talk amongst ourselves.

Here she comes," you know?

I'm not gonna

bring that to the table, okay?

Like the whole "laying pipe" thing?

It's funny. It really is funny.

You know, I get it.

I know how that works.

You make an announcement like that,

all your friends laugh,

they think you're into girls

and you make it through another day.

But look, I mean, if you wanna

fight the fight and keep on keeping on,

like the gay kids like to say,

well, that's your own prerogative.

Sorry, I think it's the...

Yep, it's the liaison from Mexico.

What just happened?

Sh*t, I don't know.

I'm no longer so sure

about that laying the pipe thing, though.

Cooker, I thought I told you

to put this stuff in the RV.

Oh, man, it's already in there.

I'm looking right at it! It's not in the RV!

- Oh, this stuff?

- Yeah.

Oh, no, yeah,

this stuff's not in the RV yet.

God damn it.

Five minutes to get from the...

I got 10 more feet to get in the RV,

anybody else wanna say something?

All right, yeah, hey...

- I'm sorry. Sorry. Hi.

- Sorry. Hi.

I forgot what I was gonna say.

- Me too, then. Okay.

- Okay.

Pete. This oil looks a little thick.

Maybe I should add some water.

Sure.

Okay.

Locked and loaded.

Over and out. Let's go.

Sh*t.

Have you guys ever tried to poop

and brush your teeth at the same time?

- It's f***ing hard.

- Nice.

If you're my stepmom Phyllis,

then f*** you

If you're my new brothers and sisters

Dakota and Breckenridge,

then f*** you, too

Listen up, world

Hey, Dad, why'd you marry that ho?

Hey, three-letter word for "man."

Dude.

That's four letters. Dud. Dud, maybe.

By the way, isn't that like

your fourth beer this morning?

What? It's just a cordial.

- Bottle snack.

- God.

Don't tell me to turn my music down

Because there's tons

of different opinions

On what the volume of music

that should be played in your house is

Plus, we all know Phyllis has

super-f***ing-sensitive hearing

I don't think it's right for her to tell me

to turn off my f***ing music

Hey, look, everybody, sea lions!

All right, let's hustle down there

and shoot some of this.

This should be a perfect show

on our way to Bigfoot country.

Hey, Danny, get your seal...

Yo, yo, I'm way ahead of you morons.

I'm gonna sneak up

on these f***ing bad boys

and get you guys angles

that'll blow you away.

Okay, great. Let's go.

En route to Bill Calhoun's cabin,

we had time to meet up

with some of nature's

most awesome creatures, Mr. Sea Lion.

No matter how many sea lions

are eaten each year by sharks,

it never seems like enough.

When a shark appears in the area,

sea lions

will leave the water immediately.

Luckily, there are no tigers on shore

waiting for him,

or he wouldn't know what the f*** to do.

A sea lion's main diet is fish,

of which there are

many different species.

Here we see the puffer fish.

Our best guess is that this fish inflates

by sucking its balls into its stomach.

This odd-looking fish

is called a squiggly.

Wait, dude, can I just talk?

Can I just say one thing?

Dude, give me the f***ing...

- Please, please. Really.

- Give me the f***ing microphone.

- Why is that pink thong running so fast?

- God.

Sorry.

Dude, this is a show about sea lions,

God damn it.

But to get closer

to these remarkable creatures,

we put our driver, Danny Gutierrez,

in a sea lion costume.

Unfortunately, after only a few seconds,

Danny was attacked by a shark.

Oh, f***! Oh, no, no, no!

Leave him alone!

No, get off him, he's my friend!

Please stop it!

Wow. I'm just blown away

by how violent that was.

Those razor-sharp teeth

were as sharp as razors.

It was just so gruesome, you know?

All the thrashing and all the blood...

It's okay. It's okay.

Yeah. No, he's... It's gonna be okay.

I mean, these things happen.

I mean, not all the time, but still.

Cheryl,

just thank you for being my friend.

Thanks.

You are such an a**hole!

Oh, sh*t, two funny things at once.

I was trying to help you feel better.

Then you hit me in the head.

Now there's a bump on my head.

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