Strange Wilderness Page #4

It looks like a dinosaur egg.

If that dinosaur hatches,

people are gonna think I'm

some sort of prehistoric gentleman bird.

And how the f*** do you think

that makes me...

It's fine. It's fine. I'll get over it.

Hey, guys, look at that bug over there.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, break out the equipment.

As long as we're here we might as well

roll some footage, right? Come on.

Junior, get over here.

Look at this. This is great.

Get in here, right now.

Get that right there.

Wait, I got a noise. Hold on.

Go ahead.

Excuse me!

Gentlemen, hi.

We're trying to do a shoot here

and we were just wondering if you could

maybe stop honking the horn

until we're finished?

No speak de ingls, buey.

I need $100, por favor.

- Are you trying to blackmail us?

- Hey, you know.

Hola, cmo ests? How are you?

I'll stop honking for $100, okay?

Let me handle this.

I speak the language of their people.

Is time

to stop de horn from honking,

please?

Let me try a different approach.

No, no, no, no! Slow it down, brother.

Let's talk this out.

I ain't gonna talk, homes.

I'm gonna punch!

No, you don't wanna do that,

'cause that's gonna cause

some serious trouble, brother.

For who,

you Super Mario-looking motherf***er?

Actually, it's gonna cause some

trouble for you and let me explain why.

- 'Cause see, you're a big, powerful man.

- That's true, homes.

Actually, you're so powerful,

and he's such a p*ssy,

your punch is probably gonna kill him.

And then what?

They're gonna fry you, homes.

All right. Well, what about the scratch

he put on my front hood?

I didn't go near your front hood, man.

Yeah, you did, homes. It's right there.

Take a look, p*ssy.

- Yeah, look at it, p*ssy!

- F*** you, Fred!

Hey, you too, homes.

Take a look. Lean closer, both of you.

Look, closer. You see it?

I don't see any scratch.

You just got knocked the f*** out!

Oh, my God.

Hello. We would like

to see a dentist, please.

Well, have a seat, and the dentist

will be able to see you in about an hour.

I'm sorry. Did you just say, "Have a seat,

"and the dentist will be able to see you

in about an hour"?

There are a couple of people in front

of you. Would you like a magazine?

I'll take a Batman magazine.

Dude, that's a comic book.

She said "magazine."

I'm sorry about that.

I'll have a Penthouse?

We don't have

Penthouse magazine, sir.

I guess we'll wait.

- Fred?

- Yeah?

- Go color.

- All right.

No magazines.

A whole hour to kill.

Hello there.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

All right, everybody, listen up.

We're flat busted. We're broke.

Two days on the road

and we're already f***ed.

Hey, guys! Check this sh*t out.

Boosted some nitrous from

the dentist's office. It was so awesome.

I just, like, grabbed it and they were

like, "What are you doing?"

And I go, "It's cool, man.

I'm a dentist, I need to use this sh*t."

Do you know what this sh*t is worth

on the street, man?

This is like $1,000.

- Oh, my God.

- Yeah, I know.

You've got to put that back, okay? F***!

We cannot afford to get busted

stealing nitrous.

Okay. So most of us think

that we should keep the nitrous,

sell it so we can finance the entire trip,

save Strange Wilderness.

And deep down inside so does Cheryl,

so it's unanimous.

Let's do it! This is gonna work out!

- Thank you, Cheryl!

- All right!

Are you guys feeling kind of weird?

All right! How are we feeling?

Oh, my head hurts so bad.

- This nitrous thing's empty.

- It is?

Well, there goes that thousand dollars

we were gonna make.

We're broke!

Yeah, this is it. Bill's place.

Where in the hell have you guys been?

You're three days late.

Wipe your feet.

Whoa, Bill. Going a little nuts up here?

Somebody's ready for Armageddon.

Look, I tried calling you guys.

- I sold the map.

- What? You sold it?

Well, I had to, to Pierson.

- Pierson?

- Pierson?

Oh, my God.

- Why'd you do it? We had a deal!

- You're three days late.

I didn't think you were coming.

You didn't call.

And like I told you back in the office,

I needed the money.

Wait, so, he's halfway

to finding Bigfoot by now.

- Yeah.

- Great! I can't believe it.

Bill, what did you need the money

so bad for?

Lithium and Darvon, Pete.

Depression eats at me day and night.

I live in a world of paranoia,

as you can tell.

I'm sorry, Pete.

It's okay, Bill. It's okay.

Hey, wait a minute.

Hold on a second.

I think I know a way to make

my paranoia pay off for you guys.

Go out and change clothes and come

back and I got something to show you.

- Okay.

- Yeah, this is gonna work out, I hope.

All right, here's the deal. I sold

Pierson the map, fair and square, right?

He's got a three-day head start,

he's got no complaints.

So nobody can say I can't give you guys

a copy of the map, now is there?

I'm gonna find you one.

See, at one point or another during the

day they were walking around here,

reading the map

under these security cameras.

Now all I gotta do is find it

and zoom in on it.

- Hey, did you see that?

- What?

That's just me saying goodbye

to the wife 'fore I went out hunting.

- Back that up.

- Okay.

What the hell's she doing?

Hey, that's Pierson,

and he's going into my bedroom.

God.

Oh, work it.

Oh, slice me off a piece of that.

I got a sweet tooth.

Oh, my God. I'll ask for second helpings

on that and still lick the plate...

Pierson is an a**hole!

All right, all bets are off.

I'm gonna find you that map,

and you're gonna find Bigfoot before

that degenerate pervert bastard does.

- Yeah, we are.

- Come on, come on.

Walk to the camera like a good

little puppet now. All right, now.

Going to camera three.

There it is. There it is.

Now all I gotta do is zoom in on it and...

Bingo!

Pierson may have the map

and a three-days' head start,

but that won't be enough.

Thanks.

Because now you have the map and I'm

gonna give you a little something extra.

His name is Gus Hayden.

You are shitting me.

You know Bigfoot's name?

No, no, Pete.

This tracker, his name is Gus Hayden.

Now, Gus and I

were in Vietnam together.

He is the best that ever lived.

He's practically supernatural.

Now, if anybody can help you find

Bigfoot before these a**holes,

it's Gus Hayden.

Now, he normally charges 3,000 bucks

but I'm gonna get him to do it for 500.

We're at

- 14 bucks.

- What?

It's a long story, but,

yeah, we're broke, Bill.

Well, so am I or I'd loan you the money.

'Cause now you not only gotta find

Bigfoot to save your show,

you gotta find Bigfoot

to screw over Pierson.

I don't know

how you gonna raise that cash

but you gotta promise me one thing.

When you catch up to Pierson, you give

him a shot square in the face for me.

Sh*t, man. We can't raise 500 bucks.

Sounds like we're screwed.

That's great.

Trip's over before it even began.

Hey, Pete,

I got some great beaver footage.

- That's great. I gotta go take a leak.

- Yeah.

Look, we'll go into town

and, I don't know, do something.

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