Strange Wilderness Page #5

Why, what's going on?

Money problems.

Hi there, little guys.

I didn't see you there.

Almost got you, huh?

Hey, where's mama turkey?

Oh, my God!

What's the turkey doing?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Look out!

It's surprising, really.

Now, its gag reflexes

should have kicked in by now.

Nurse, I want you to massage

the neck of the turkey

and let's see

if we can relax this little fella.

- Yes, Doctor.

- Junior, turn off the camera.

- Okay, I'll get another angle.

- Now relax. Just relax.

Oh, nice.

You got mad, good medical skills.

Relax, Mr. Turkey. Relax. Relax.

Walk up the beak.

I spit in my hand when I do that.

Oh, Christ. You've got to be kidding me.

Doctor, he has an erection.

You need to stifle your sexual response.

You're only tightening yourself

inside its neck.

Doc, the nurse is f***ing hot.

Can somebody else

do me, please? Fred?

F*** that, dude.

- Whitaker?

- Whitaker, what?

What? You're the animal handler, man.

Bullshit, I was a car mechanic

last week, man.

Now, if you want me to change

the spark plugs on the RV, I'll do that,

but I'm not gonna handle you.

I think a little shot of Demerol

ought to relax it.

That went right into my dick!

Well, that really

shouldn't have happened. Sorry.

Well, now that the Demerol's probably

coursing through your system,

it could complicate things.

Here's an idea.

Mr. Gaulke, can you urinate?

That might do it. It might

stimulate the turkey's gag reflex.

You want him

to piss that turkey off his hog?

Well, I mean,

put yourself in the turkey's position...

Doctor, I believe that this young turkey

hasn't yet come out of the closet.

So, if we could take a snapshot of it

getting gay with Peter here,

we can maybe threaten

to send it to his father.

And then he'll be like,

"No, don't tell my dad."

And he'll stop blowing Peter.

Or we could chop his f***ing head off.

Holy hell! He did!

He found our turkey!

We've been searching for her

for three months.

How in the hell

did she get caught up in this position?

Yeah, it's Maggie, all right.

You know what?

You guys can have her back

right after we chop her head off.

No, you can't kill it.

This bird is part of an ongoing

government study. We want her back.

Look, there is a $5,000 reward

for her alive.

$5,000? Whoa, hey! Doc, no.

Hold on a second.

Gentlemen.

Now that we have the map

and we're gonna get five grand

for this stupid bird here,

we can go get Gus Hayden, the tracker.

Come on, everyone, jump in.

Let's yank this sucker right off.

- Did you just say yank?

- Yes, we did.

I'm gonna be gentle, but firm.

One, two, three.

F***ing Federales, dude.

I got weed on me.

I'll meet you on the other side.

Don't worry, I'll take care of this.

Hold on. Back up here.

Excuse me.

Let us into Mexico, please?

Okay, so, thank you!

I guess I checked out, then.

Look at that! I guess our RV is tore up.

Well, guess we'll have to take a plane

the rest of the way.

Oh, well. Come on, let's go.

- Dude, what happened in there, man?

- Nothing. Really cool people.

So, come on, let's book.

What, really?

I mean, everything okay in there?

- 'Cause you look really pale.

- Yeah.

That's because I wear sun block,

you ass. Okay?

So, come on, let's grab that airplane

and get out of here.

- So, what happened in that room?

- Drop it.

- Drop what?

- Okay, look, they...

Oh, come on! I come in peace, brother.

Come on.

You guys, the plane's boarding.

Come on.

Hey guys, I need to tell you something.

What, you're quitting?

Come on, no, it's...

No, no, I'm not quitting.

It's actually the opposite.

I wanted to thank you guys.

I took this job 'cause I needed it,

but I also took it for other reasons.

I figured a trip into the jungle would

be a kind of a forced sobriety for me,

and that's something

I really need in my life.

My name's Bill W.

and I'm an alcoholic.

- Hey, Bill.

- Hi, Bill.

Because of that, I've never really fit in

anywhere, you know?

I want to tell you guys.

Couple days ago, I took my last drink.

And then I did yesterday, and, well,

God willing, this'll really be the last one.

'Cause we're going to the jungle and

I got some tough times ahead of me.

But you guys

have been really great to me.

And I just want to say that you've

really made me part of your family

and I wanna say thank you for that.

- That's so sweet.

- Thank you.

Whitaker, that is some of the finest

words I've ever heard in my life.

And just hearing them makes me feel

like I'm a better person.

So, f*** it, man. Take a bow.

He was like, "I'm an alcoholic."

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Strange Wilderness?

That's us.

I'm Pete, and this is the rest of them.

Hi, I'm Cheryl.

- It is so nice to meet you.

- Good to meet you.

Yeah, Bill told me

what Pierson did to his wife.

Bill's a good man.

Shouldn't have happened to him.

He's upset. That's why he asked me

to get you to Gus Hayden.

- That's great. Great.

- Now for the bad news.

Pierson's got about

a three-day jump on you.

- Oh, no.

- But, hey, don't worry about it.

We'll find him.

Tell you what, we'll go up to Gus's

and we'll head out from there

and make up for lost time.

- All right.

- By the way, my name's Dick.

Dick what?

Just Dick.

Dick?

Dick.

Like Cher, but Dick?

Dick.

He's f***ing... Who is this?

Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick.

Gotta have more name than that, Dick.

Nope. Just Dick.

You say, "Dick," I come running.

You come where?

You like your name? You like Dick?

Do you ever let your dog

lick your name?

Yeah, do you like it?

Is your name Dick?

I don't wanna get started off

on the wrong foot with you guys.

Does your name ever shrink

if you go in cold water?

Snicker one more time, I'll kick

your balls up in your f***ing neck.

- Check.

- 10-4.

Copy that.

Our trail's about 23 clicks west of here.

Right.

Does your name ever get hard

in the morning?

Shut the f*** up.

On our way to hook up

with legendary tracker, Gus Hayden,

we encountered many jungle animals,

including our furry relative,

the monkey.

Monkeys make up over 80%

of the world's monkey population.

Hundreds of ants are eaten each year

by monkeys.

Researchers believe

that these numbers would be far less,

if ants were the same size

or bigger than monkeys.

Wow, look at that.

Those balls are sensational.

To a lion,

these balls are called a "sack lunch."

Over here,

we spot some South American gazelles.

This gazelle is eating a flower.

This lion is eating the gazelle.

But he'll probably spit out the flower.

These giraffes can't quit each other.

I think it would be a good idea to tie

your brand new jeans to their heads.

That way, your jeans

would get that distressed look.

These birds are saying howdy

to the zebra.

Actually, they're not saying howdy,

they're eating the sh*t out of him.

If we held a microphone up to the zebra

and he could talk like,

you know, Mr. Ed or something, it would

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