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Strange Wilderness Page #5
Why, what's going on?
Money problems.
Hi there, little guys.
I didn't see you there.
Almost got you, huh?
Hey, where's mama turkey?
Oh, my God!
What's the turkey doing?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Look out!
It's surprising, really.
Now, its gag reflexes
should have kicked in by now.
Nurse, I want you to massage
the neck of the turkey
and let's see
if we can relax this little fella.
- Yes, Doctor.
- Junior, turn off the camera.
- Okay, I'll get another angle.
- Now relax. Just relax.
Oh, nice.
You got mad, good medical skills.
Relax, Mr. Turkey. Relax. Relax.
Walk up the beak.
I spit in my hand when I do that.
Oh, Christ. You've got to be kidding me.
Doctor, he has an erection.
You need to stifle your sexual response.
You're only tightening yourself
inside its neck.
Doc, the nurse is f***ing hot.
Can somebody else
do me, please? Fred?
F*** that, dude.
- Whitaker?
- Whitaker, what?
What? You're the animal handler, man.
Bullshit, I was a car mechanic
last week, man.
Now, if you want me to change
the spark plugs on the RV, I'll do that,
I think a little shot of Demerol
ought to relax it.
That went right into my dick!
Well, that really
shouldn't have happened. Sorry.
Well, now that the Demerol's probably
coursing through your system,
it could complicate things.
Here's an idea.
Mr. Gaulke, can you urinate?
That might do it. It might
stimulate the turkey's gag reflex.
You want him
to piss that turkey off his hog?
Well, I mean,
put yourself in the turkey's position...
Doctor, I believe that this young turkey
hasn't yet come out of the closet.
So, if we could take a snapshot of it
getting gay with Peter here,
we can maybe threaten
to send it to his father.
And then he'll be like,
"No, don't tell my dad."
And he'll stop blowing Peter.
Or we could chop his f***ing head off.
Holy hell! He did!
He found our turkey!
We've been searching for her
for three months.
How in the hell
did she get caught up in this position?
Yeah, it's Maggie, all right.
You know what?
You guys can have her back
right after we chop her head off.
No, you can't kill it.
This bird is part of an ongoing
government study. We want her back.
Look, there is a $5,000 reward
for her alive.
$5,000? Whoa, hey! Doc, no.
Hold on a second.
Gentlemen.
Now that we have the map
and we're gonna get five grand
for this stupid bird here,
we can go get Gus Hayden, the tracker.
Come on, everyone, jump in.
Let's yank this sucker right off.
- Did you just say yank?
- Yes, we did.
I'm gonna be gentle, but firm.
One, two, three.
F***ing Federales, dude.
I got weed on me.
I'll meet you on the other side.
Don't worry, I'll take care of this.
Hold on. Back up here.
Excuse me.
Let us into Mexico, please?
Okay, so, thank you!
Look at that! I guess our RV is tore up.
Well, guess we'll have to take a plane
the rest of the way.
Oh, well. Come on, let's go.
- Dude, what happened in there, man?
- Nothing. Really cool people.
So, come on, let's book.
What, really?
I mean, everything okay in there?
- 'Cause you look really pale.
- Yeah.
That's because I wear sun block,
you ass. Okay?
So, come on, let's grab that airplane
and get out of here.
- So, what happened in that room?
- Drop it.
- Drop what?
- Okay, look, they...
Oh, come on! I come in peace, brother.
Come on.
You guys, the plane's boarding.
Come on.
Hey guys, I need to tell you something.
What, you're quitting?
Come on, no, it's...
No, no, I'm not quitting.
It's actually the opposite.
I took this job 'cause I needed it,
but I also took it for other reasons.
I figured a trip into the jungle would
be a kind of a forced sobriety for me,
and that's something
I really need in my life.
My name's Bill W.
and I'm an alcoholic.
- Hey, Bill.
- Hi, Bill.
Because of that, I've never really fit in
anywhere, you know?
I want to tell you guys.
Couple days ago, I took my last drink.
And then I did yesterday, and, well,
God willing, this'll really be the last one.
'Cause we're going to the jungle and
I got some tough times ahead of me.
But you guys
And I just want to say that you've
really made me part of your family
and I wanna say thank you for that.
- That's so sweet.
- Thank you.
Whitaker, that is some of the finest
words I've ever heard in my life.
And just hearing them makes me feel
like I'm a better person.
So, f*** it, man. Take a bow.
He was like, "I'm an alcoholic."
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Strange Wilderness?
That's us.
I'm Pete, and this is the rest of them.
Hi, I'm Cheryl.
- It is so nice to meet you.
- Good to meet you.
Yeah, Bill told me
what Pierson did to his wife.
Bill's a good man.
Shouldn't have happened to him.
He's upset. That's why he asked me
to get you to Gus Hayden.
- That's great. Great.
- Now for the bad news.
Pierson's got about
a three-day jump on you.
- Oh, no.
- But, hey, don't worry about it.
We'll find him.
Tell you what, we'll go up to Gus's
and we'll head out from there
and make up for lost time.
- All right.
- By the way, my name's Dick.
Dick what?
Just Dick.
Dick?
Dick.
Like Cher, but Dick?
Dick.
He's f***ing... Who is this?
Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick.
Gotta have more name than that, Dick.
Nope. Just Dick.
You say, "Dick," I come running.
You come where?
You like your name? You like Dick?
Do you ever let your dog
lick your name?
Yeah, do you like it?
Is your name Dick?
on the wrong foot with you guys.
Does your name ever shrink
if you go in cold water?
Snicker one more time, I'll kick
your balls up in your f***ing neck.
- Check.
- 10-4.
Copy that.
Our trail's about 23 clicks west of here.
Right.
Does your name ever get hard
in the morning?
Shut the f*** up.
On our way to hook up
with legendary tracker, Gus Hayden,
we encountered many jungle animals,
including our furry relative,
the monkey.
Monkeys make up over 80%
of the world's monkey population.
Hundreds of ants are eaten each year
by monkeys.
Researchers believe
that these numbers would be far less,
if ants were the same size
or bigger than monkeys.
Wow, look at that.
Those balls are sensational.
To a lion,
these balls are called a "sack lunch."
Over here,
we spot some South American gazelles.
This gazelle is eating a flower.
This lion is eating the gazelle.
But he'll probably spit out the flower.
These giraffes can't quit each other.
I think it would be a good idea to tie
your brand new jeans to their heads.
That way, your jeans
would get that distressed look.
to the zebra.
Actually, they're not saying howdy,
they're eating the sh*t out of him.
If we held a microphone up to the zebra
and he could talk like,
you know, Mr. Ed or something, it would
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"Strange Wilderness" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/strange_wilderness_18960>.
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