Strange Wilderness Page #6

probably sound something like this,

"Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

"Did one of you just

shove your beak up my ass?"

All right. We'll walk from here.

All right, let's go, chop-chop.

It's about three clicks that way.

Stay on the trail. Follow me. Let's go.

Let's go!

All right. You're about to meet the

world's greatest tracker, Gus Hayden.

Welcome to paradise.

I hear we're gonna have a little fun.

I shoved my knife through

the top of his skull into his brain.

Then I grabbed my hand grenade,

pushed that into his head hole.

And I shoved him back down into the

tunnel and ran like hell.

Hey, Gus.

That was a great Vietnam story.

But I think...

You wanna let go of Fred there?

I think you're close to killing him.

Sorry, I forgot about you there, partner.

Anyway, the little gook bit me,

and that's how I got this scar

right here on this thumb.

Cool.

So, Gus, tell us,

what are we in store for tomorrow?

We'll break camp at 0600.

I want you all to understand that when

we head into the Coconga Wilderness,

we'll be going into a bad, dark place

where death is about as routine

as a change of pants.

Well, this crew here?

We've been through some

pretty hairy adventures of our own.

And I know you got that little scar

there on your thumb,

but we've gotten a few scars

over the years ourselves.

- Isn't that right, Fred?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

I mean, look at this one.

Eight years old. Fell off my bike.

Sh*t.

Check out this guy. See that?

I was doing some Bondo work

on a '67 Pontiac Sky Chief

and I was drunk, as usual,

and caught this on the hood ornament.

Nasty.

But... Hey, two days sober today, guys.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Well, I don't have any scars,

but I have this really great birthmark.

See?

You see this right here?

Dog bit me when I was a kid.

I was blowing in his face,

and he nipped...

Well, now.

You're talking scars, I got one for you.

About 10 years ago

I was scouting out a location

for a mining company in the Amazon,

when I was ambushed

by a tribe of Aloha pygmies.

They tied me to a post and did to me

what they do to all white men.

They cut my scrotum with a sharp stick.

Then they ran away.

My testicles unraveled down

to the ground.

I scooped up my testicles

from out of the dirt, rolled them up,

shoved them back into my sac,

and then sewed it shut myself.

Looks like a quilt. A ball quilt.

Okay, well...

I'd love to sit here

and swap some more scar stories,

but I'm all out.

I'm tired.

Yeah, you know what? Yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna saw some logs, myself.

- Yeah.

- All right. All right.

Must have the worst nightmares ever.

Pete.

- Hey!

- What?

Dude, that tracker guy left,

and Cheryl ran off with him.

Cheryl? Cheryl!

What? She ran off with Gus Hayden?

She's gone, he's gone,

and all our sh*t's gone!

- Hey, you're probably in on it!

- No!

He left me just as stranded as you all.

He took my bunker jeep.

We got nothing!

- Sh*t! Why would Cheryl do this to us?

- No, no, no.

I saw her eyeing that f***ing psycho

across the campfire last night.

Sh*t! Sh*t! God!

Sh*t! Sh*t!

God!

All right, calm down!

Everybody, just pull yourself together!

Bill, I need you to take an inventory

of everything that's left, okay? Go, now.

Okay. We got one sleeping bag,

so I think we're pretty much f***ed.

No, I think we're gonna be okay.

I think we're great. Let's go find Bigfoot.

What aren't you hearing?

He took the map!

We can't find Bigfoot without a map!

Yeah, but we can't give up, okay?

We can't!

'Cause my dad wouldn't give up.

You know that. You knew him.

I mean, he'd always make it work out.

And I'm just like my dad!

All right. Okay.

I'll lead you through the jungle.

I'm going as far as Temescal,

but after that, you're on your own.

- Okay.

- That jungle is thick.

I don't think anybody's

ever even been in there.

You know, you should quit now,

while you're alive.

Nope. Not on my watch.

Guys?

I don't wanna die.

For the first time in 11 years,

I'm seeing the world through sober eyes

and it's exhilarating.

See, I have so much to live for

right now.

I want to find a nice girl

and settle down and have kids

and dance with them in the moonlight

and everything.

I want to do it all, you know?

F***ing beautiful. Take a bow, man.

He was like, "I'm wearing a blue shirt

and I'm sad in my heart."

I didn't think you were gonna do that!

Okay! Cooker, you need to...

Is that a thong you're wearing?

What the f*** did you say?

Do you have a thong on?

Yeah, I'm wearing a thong.

I'll get the sleeping bag.

Dick, there any snakes in this sh*t,

or what?

Don't worry about f***ing snakes.

F*** you, dude.

Sh*t, a porcupine.

Hey. Hey!

I think it stopped. I think it stopped.

- Oh, God. This is insane.

- All right.

No. It's gonna be okay, I think.

It's gonna be okay.

Come on, let's just keep moving.

It'll be okay.

- What the f*** was that?

- Just keep going. It's gonna be fine.

- Come on.

- Hey, come on!

Guys, guys, guys, just a monkey.

It's just a monkey.

Jesus.

- You guys!

- Oh, sh*t!

I have been tracking you for hours.

Why did you leave me back there?

Well, we thought you ran off

with Gus Hayden.

You really think I'd do that?

Yeah.

Gross.

I'd wanna f*** even you guys

before I'd wanna f*** him.

- Hey.

- All right.

You guys, I woke up

and he was stealing all our stuff,

so I pretended like

I wanted to go with him

and I convinced him to give me this.

The map.

You convinced him?

What'd you have to do?

Just a little something. Okay?

I took one for the team.

I have a map.

- Me, too. I got a map.

- I got a bunch of maps.

I have an atlas.

I have some old Civil War maps

that are worth quite a bit.

I have a map of the moon.

It's like... You can feel it.

I got a whole map store.

Maps everywhere.

If we get back to the RV,

I got a Thomas Guide.

Like a hundred pages of maps.

Come here, you guys!

Just kidding. I don't have a map.

I'll tell you, I will be damned.

I will just be damned.

You know, with that map

and my jungle survival skills,

just might be able

to help you find Bigfoot after all.

Yeah!

Dick! Dick! Dick!

- We love Dick!

- Yes, we are.

Yes, we are. First, though,

we gotta cross the Mohate River.

We're almost there.

Just straight that way.

Okay, you're doing great, Fred.

- Thank you, thank you.

- You're doing great.

- Cooker, I'm proud of you.

- Hey, Dick. I'm proud of you in turn.

You're the best. You're the best.

Now, I know a secret quick way through

this jungle,

and we can get to the rocky cliffs

and maybe cut off Pierson.

Now, here's what you're gonna do.

What the... Oh, God!

Don't come in here! No! Stay out!

Oh, Dick!

Here's another one

of those piranha bastards.

F***ing eat all these f***ing stupid fish.

We were gonna make it,

and then these bastards ate Dick!

- How's it feel to get eaten, fish f***ers?

- Yeah!

- How's it feel to get eaten?

- Stupid... Stupid fish!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes