Strange Wilderness Page #7

You think we'd just let you get away

with eating Dick,

you sons-of-b*tches,

pieces of river trash!

F*** you! F*** you!

Hey, wait a minute.

These are the fish that ate Dick, right?

Yeah!

All right, just go with me here.

If Dick is in the fishes,

and we're eating the fishes,

doesn't that mean we're eating Dick?

What the f***?

- It's gonna be okay! Come on! Fred.

- No!

Not one single thing has gone our way!

And I guarantee you

Pierson found Bigfoot's cave days ago.

Come on, Fred!

Don't be so negative, okay?

Come on...

Our luck is gonna change, I can feel it.

Oh, my God.

You guys have to come with me.

I think I found something.

- It's Pierson's team.

- Holy crap.

Fred. Get over here, Fred.

Mr. Wah I'm So Bummed Out.

Pierson's Gonna Find Bigfoot First...

I don't think so, buddy!

Looks like our luck is changing.

We came out on top! Come on!

Oh, yeah. Oh, right. This is tragic.

Amen. Okay,

let's gather up their equipment, guys.

Sweet axe.

Gentle clouds of Nazareth

Massacred in Ecuador

Life's too f***ing short

Ask that guy

Hey, that's Sky Pierson.

- Oh, my God!

- Gaulke.

- Hey.

- Gaulke.

Hi, Sky. Wow, long time no see.

So...

I'm sorry. Sorry about that.

I just had some bad fish.

So, what happened here?

Attacked.

Coconga pygmies.

Horrible.

Hey, Sky,

could you feel this?

Dude.

What are you poking him for, man?

The guy's dying.

His upper half of his body

is not connected to his lower half.

- Yeah, I know. Jesus Christ. What?

- Hey, Pete, Pete.

You gonna punch him in the face

like Bill asked?

Oh, sh*t. Forgot about that.

It's your call.

Oh, man. I don't know.

I'm kind of on the fence about it.

It's not like he's in any position

to punch you back.

Fred, it has nothing to do with fear.

I mean, don't you think it's a little

excessive, punching him in the face?

He's missing the lower half of his body.

Gaulke.

- Hey, we're back.

- Gaulke, you still here?

Yeah, we're here.

Hey, the cavalry has arrived.

Sky.

Oh, Sky.

Let's go.

Pick up what you can carry,

especially the camera equipment.

Let's get the hell out of here.

See, I could've sworn

these are the markings!

They're right there on the map.

Well, then, where the hell is the cave?

It says it's on the map, but it's not there!

Hey, does anyone else

get the feeling that,

like, we've been going in circles

for a while?

Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t! F***ing sh*t!

Sh*t!

F***! Such a f*** up!

Give me that f***ing map!

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

You said that Bill Calhoun

took a real picture of the map, right?

Yeah, Pierson was holding it

in his hands.

Okay. Bill was using

two security cameras.

It's a mirror image. Look at the "N".

The map got printed out backwards.

Flip the picture.

Cheryl, you are a genius!

Okay, so wait.

So all the directions are reversed.

So then that means

that the cave is not here.

It's gonna be over, around here.

Come on, let's go!

That's it.

That's the cave. It's gotta be. Map.

See? Turn the map.

Rock formation fits with the hill.

That cave is his cave.

How do we know he's in there?

I can feel him. Okay, come on.

We're gonna move closer,

but stealthily, like that of a cheetah.

Oh, my God, I can hear him.

He's in there. Holy God. Okay.

This is probably the most important

wildlife discovery of our time,

and we're gonna chronicle it.

Okay.

Okay, over there. Cross, cross.

This is crazy.

Okay, set up the camera.

Okay, listen up.

Here's what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna do an intro throw announce,

and then we're gonna

slowly steal inside

and catch this amazing creature

in his natural habitat, okay?

Okay, ready?

Oh, remember. Okay, listen. Junior!

- Listen.

- I am.

Do not spook him, okay?

He is probably very,

very frightened of us.

- Okay.

- Okay.

I got sound if you wanna go.

Ready, rolling.

And five, four, three, two, one, zero.

Talking now.

Hi. I'm Peter Gaulke,

and this is Strange Wilderness.

Camped here, waiting to film Bigfoot.

That's right, you heard me, Bigfoot.

Animals have long been known

as animals, not human,

and have been described as stupid,

cowardly, aggressive, dimwitted,

low beasts, eager to kill, eager to eat,

eager to fornicate,

eager to stampede all...

But is it animals we describe,

or is it mankind?

Perhaps this Bigfoot creature can

bridge the divide between us and them.

Perhaps his gentle ways can teach us,

remind us

that peace and harmony

are necessary if mankind is to survive.

What?

Oh, f***!

Hey...

Does anybody remember what that

big bastard said before he came at us?

I think he said, "Huh?"

Like he wasn't sure what was going on.

- No. It was more of a growl.

- Yeah, totally.

Actually, you know what?

It was more like a death growl.

It was like, "I'm gonna kill you."

I mean, I heard that.

- Yeah, no, I did, too. Yeah.

- Yeah.

I heard it, too.

- Didn't I?

- Yeah. No. Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- That's what he said, man.

I've just, you know,

I've just never killed anything before.

But it was in self-defense, so...

- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah. The lady's right.

This mythological beast

was engineered by the French.

F***, I was so blind to not see it before.

It was designed by the French

in the early '50s

to f*** and eventually

kill American people.

He would've come

and f***ing killed all of us.

You know what?

Like, if a mosquito is buzzing

around your ear, do you let it go?

Like, "Keep on bothering me

and, like, sting me

"and let me get West Nile Virus?"

No, you f***ing smack it, like we did.

Only we did it with guns.

- I don't know, guys. I mean...

- What?

Well, I mean...

- F*** him, right?

- Yeah.

That prick deserved to die, right?

Big, hairy, carnivore son-of-a-b*tch.

You see the way he came at us,

all up in our face and all...

F***ing f*** you, you f***.

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

F***ing cocktease.

But, you know, I've been thinking.

Maybe it's not the best way

to end our show, though?

You know, actually killing Bigfoot?

Yeah.

Probably not gonna fly

with the TV station.

Peter, I have a little idea.

Those sharks

ate the living sh*t out of me,

like my leg was a f***ing piece of corn

on the cob with butter on it.

I was yelling at them

that I wasn't no seal.

"Hey, it's me, Danny-boy!"

But they didn't understand

my human language.

So I got this fake leg now.

The doc comes in my room,

and he asks me what kind I want.

What the f***?

It turns out he's talking about

the wood or some sh*t.

Mahogany, pine, or balsa?

So, that gets me thinking,

"I should put a jackhammer on there,

"so when I walk up the sidewalk

I could bust up the cement."

Okay. All right, listen up, everybody.

We're gonna have him eating out

of our hands when he sees this. This.

The television show of the century, huh?

Yeah.

- Bring it.

- Let's do it.

- High five!

- Good luck.

We were all shivering with excitement

as we carefully moved in

for the first ever contact

with the legendary Bigfoot.

What we found inside the cave

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