Strange Wilderness Page #8

shocked us all.

Apparently, the Bigfoot

had been experiencing depression

and hung himself.

Forced to live like an animal

in a cold dark cave,

I imagine any one of us

would've done the same thing.

Unlike that dude on fire

at the peace rally,

we sprung into action

to revive the Bigfoot.

But it was too late.

It made me feel so crappy.

And so ended our fantastic adventure,

"The Search for Bigfoot."

Join us next week

for a show about beavers.

Are you insane?

Did someone drop a safe on your head?

That's the craziest sh*t I've ever seen!

- Hey, quit shoving me, man!

- Yeah, what's that?

Man, you've been a dick since day one!

- Yeah? F*** you!

- Get out, a**holes!

- F*** you, Judy.

- Yeah.

You know what? This is all because of

you and your stupid idea

about faking Bigfoot's suicide.

You know, I should've never listened...

I should've never hired you!

That's the most un-American thing

I've ever heard in my life.

Excuse me, could you keep it down?

Hey, sweetheart, we're having

a private company meeting here.

So why don't you keep it down, okay?

Hey, hey, we're in the middle

of a f***ing conversation,

you turn around to hit on some chick.

Hey, why you all up in my waist, man?

You feeling froggy, huh?

- Why don't you take a leap?

- I can't. That's f***ed up.

You shouldn't talk to someone like that.

You stone-wasted half-man party punk!

Shut the...

Whoa, seriously, man. Come on,

he's pathetic. Take it easy on him.

F*** you, Cheech.

You suck as a soundman, dude.

You stupid f***. Go buy some sandals.

Go buy some sandals.

You want to fight? I'll fight your fight.

I haven't fought in 10 years.

I'm fighting tonight.

What you got? What you got?

Let's see. Throw down, b*tch.

Throw down, b*tch.

Hey, you know what? He's right, Fred!

You suck as a soundman, okay...

All right, that's it. I'm calling security.

Oh, no, honey,

you are not calling security.

- You understand me?

- Hey! Hey!

And that is the whole ridiculous story.

No, I haven't seen anybody in,

like, over a year.

You know, things were said.

I think they're a lot better off

without me around anyway.

I'm such a failure. Oh, sh*t.

Hey, thanks for listening, okay?

I'll talk to you tomorrow. Great. Bye.

Nobody's home!

Pete.

You know

when you yell out "Nobody's home,"

people know you're home

because otherwise

who the hell would be yelling out

"Nobody's home."

Brought out a smile.

Well, you won't return my calls,

so I thought I'd personally

hand-deliver a hello.

No, I just couldn't hold it all together.

You know what I've always been

wanting to tell you,

all the times you have

beaten yourself up...

Times were different then. It was easier.

You know something?

Your old man

could never have survived today.

I loved your dad, you know that,

but he didn't have the tenacity

and the heart that you have.

You were born into a wildlife family.

Like your old man used to say,

"All it takes is one good idea."

Yeah, he used to always say that.

With one good idea

anything can happen.

- But it's up to you.

- Yeah.

What do you say?

I say, "Let's do it."

- Pete Gaulke's back!

- Yeah. Right.

You know what? Thanks, man.

I mean, I really get...

- Hey, do you mind if I tap a bowl first?

- Go ahead.

You know, because... Where's it?

You know,

I have a bunch of great ideas,

and they seem like great ideas

for about 10 minutes,

and then I'm sitting here for a while

and all of a sudden they seem stale.

And then I forget about them,

I don't write them down anymore...

I mean, I think what I need to do is

really kind of...

Oh, God. That little guy is gonna think

he's a shark.

Hey, wait a minute.

What a hell of an idea for a show.

A show about sharks, huh?

- One good idea.

- Good idea!

Yeah, buddy!

All right.

Hot Dog Hell, can I help you?

Yeah, I need six hotdogs,

I need six cokes,

and the best damn soundman

in the business.

I need Fred Wolf's ass in this car now.

I need Fred Wolf's ass in this car now.

Pete! Holy sh*t, man. You know what?

I've been going through it in my head.

Fifty different ways

on how to apologize to you

for what I said that day, man.

We're all sorry

about all the stuff we said.

Hey, man, the world keeps turning,

you know?

Hey, dads may die

and you may miss him every day,

but you still have your friends.

That was beautiful, man. Take a bow.

A**hole!

Why are they using such bad language?

Yeah, I called Lawson,

and he was mad at first.

He said, Bigfoot thing

was the craziest thing he ever saw.

Well, then he never saw R. Kelly's

Trapped in a F***ing Closet!

But he said

if we could get a shark attack on film,

he'd put us back on the air.

So get in the f***ing car and let's go!

Get in there!

Excuse me. I didn't say... Hey, hey, hey!

Hi, Ed, how are you?

We got a shark episode

with a shark attack.

Hi, I'm Peter Gaulke

and this is Strange Wilderness.

The ocean. Many words

have been used to describe it.

And now you can add one more.

Dangerous.

Why? The shark.

It was one year ago today,

that Danny was brutally attacked

on this very spot

by one of these killing machines.

In today's show, we'll be taking

a close look at this mysterious creature

that should be named

"the a**hole of the sea."

Menacing and terrifying,

the shark has been menacing

and terrifying for over a decade.

Sharks can only be found

in two places on earth,

the Northern

and Southern Hemispheres.

This shark is called a Hammerhead

because his head looks like a hammer.

These sharks

are attacking Nicole Richie.

Yes, the shark is a... What the f***!

Look at that thing's teeth.

Okay, you guys ready?

I've never been more ready

in my f***ing life.

It's like that shark was gnawing on me

like a rawhide stick.

- This one's for you, Danny.

- How old are those?

Three weeks old.

For you, Danny.

Oh, my God, it's gonna come up.

Give me that sh*t.

All right, let's do this.

Fred, lower the steak.

All right, come on. Let's do this.

That's him. That's that same f***er.

There's a fin. I see a fin.

- I see it, too.

- Hey, shark!

We got something for you,

you f***ing a**hole!

Oh, my God, he's...

That was awesome.

F*** you, motherf***er!

How did that sh*t taste?

That did it.

Pete...

Pete, people love shark attacks.

Besides, Pierson's dead,

so you're back on the air.

Besides, Pierson's dead,

so you're back on the air.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

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