Struck by Lightning

[Carson] i always thought

death would be different.

I expected a

great wave of realization

to sweep over me.

Suddenly, the meaning of life

would be answered along with

every other question

i ever had.

But there was

nothing to realize.

- I was dead.

- [Doorbell rings]

- What?!

- Are you sheryl phillips?

What, did i forget to put my

trash bins away or something?

No, ma'am.

Your son has died.

His body was found

in the school parking lot

this morning.

[Student reporter]

A few days ago,

right here where i'm standing,

clover high school senior

carson phillips

lost his life when he was

struck by lightning.

A service

will be held this sunday

at clover community chapel.

He will be missed.

AT it's so hard

to say goodbye

to yesterday

and... my funeral sucks.

Goodbye, carson.

You've seen my end.

But where do i begin?

I remember when

i realized i was different

from everyone else.

My name is carson.

My mom says i was named carson

because that's what was on tv

when i was conceived.

When something

takes away something else,

what do we call that?

- Not addition, but...

- homicide.

I was advanced at a young age.

Most of the founding fathers

were closeted homosexuals

and slave owners.

My reports were always

more thorough than my peers.

I'm serious.

I remember when i discovered

the power of words

and how easy it was

to escape into a world

of my own by using them.

[Neal]

It was a pleasant environment.

Three sheets to the wind, too.

You're already.

At least leave me one beer.

Carson, this is

the last time you'll ever

see your grandfather!

- I know what he looks like!

- Stop fighting me!

Stand up.

- Boo!

- Ahh!

What the hell

is wrong with you?!

It was lame.

I know, i know.

The kid's a puss.

I remember the day

grandma came to live with us.

Grandma!

[Neal]

It's the fifth time

you found her

wondering around town.

Oh, mom.

And now

she's in the linen closet.

Your bedroom is the next door.

And the day

that grandma got sick.

- I wrote you a story, grandma.

- Oh, let's see.

"Once upon a time,

there was a boy."

Well, it could use

a little development,

but it's a great beginning.

The whole neighborhood

remembers the night

that dad left.

We just started

going back to counseling.

You can't just do this.

Yeah, well, i'm leaving.

I can't take this.

- Where are you going?!

- Anywhere but here.

- That's mine!

- That is not yours.

I... thank you.

You can't come back!

No!

I hate you!

[Sobbing]

I hate you!

Screw it.

If anyone asks,

we're jewish.

It's been me and mom

ever since.

Mom, wake up.

You passed out again.

- Wake up, mom.

- Oh, jesus!

Congratulations.

You survived the night.

Oh, jesus.

If you were descent,

you would just let me sleep.

If i was descent,

i'd just put you to sleep.

My god.

My head.

You know, the morning

isn't supposed to hurt.

I don't have to go to school.

Why do i have to get up?

Here.

Are you sure

you're supposed to be drinking

with all those pills

dr. Diehler's giving you?

Dr. Wheeler. Why don't you just

leave that to the professionals?

Can i have my other glass

back, please?

It's in the sink.

Get it yourself.

You know, you make me wish i'd

had that abortion in the '90s.

- That makes two of us.

- Go to school already!

Go! Go! Go!

And if i am still sleeping

when you get home,

don't you dare put my hand

in a bowl of water again.

- [Laughs]

- Shut up.

Bye. Love you, too.

Would you bring me

my pillow back?!

Close the shades.

- [Door closes]

- I hate you.

High school.

Society's bright idea

to put all their aggressive,

self righteous,

pubescent, naive youth

into one environment

to torment

and emotionally scar

each other for life.

Cattle, cattle,

cattle, cattle!

Shakespeare once wrote

that life is but a dream.

And that's exactly

how i lived my life,

from one dream to the next.

Hating every

update of reality.

Well, the "l" stands for

an imaginary number.

Okay, hold up.

There are imaginary

numbers now?

Are there

unicorns the next lesson?

Can someone please

teach me something useful,

like how to balance a checkbook?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why did i get a "c" on this?

- This is a great paper.

- The assignment was to pick

either evolution or creationism

and provide background evidence

as to why

you believe that theory.

I know.

I picked evolution.

I said that it's

obvious creatures can adapt

to their environments

because i no longer

have the urge to throw things

at students

who believe in creationism.

Right?

Right?

I believe in creationism.

Exhibit "a."

Welcome to career day

here at the counseling center.

Right, i'm sure

you saw our flier.

And you know,

we're here to just sort of

help you kiddos

establish your

future career options,

what do you want to do...

i know the exact career

that i want.

Okay.

What is it, munchkin?

I want to be the editor

of the new yorker

and the youngest

freelance journalist

to be published

in the new york times,

la times, boston herald,

and the chicago tribune.

You have had some time

to think about this then, huh?

- Every day since i was eight.

- Okay. Well...

what about college?

I can help you decide

what college to go to.

Uh, no. I've got

to get into northwestern.

All right.

Where is that exactly?

- Illinois.

- Never heard of it.

I've put 17 good years

into this town, okay?

People spend less time

in prison for murder sentences.

- Is that true?

- Yes. Yes, look it up.

I've been the president

of the writers' club

and the editor of the newspaper

since sophomore year

just to better my chances

of getting into that school.

That is so smart.

- Wow.

- It's been challenging.

So i've already applied

and i meet all the requirements.

I just haven't

heard back from them.

So i'd appreciate it

if you um,

maybe found out why.

Okay. And that is

something that i would do?

I would call them?

- Yes.

- Okay.

I will do anything

to get into that school.

- I mean anything.

- I'm on it.

But since you're here,

how 'bout you just fill out this

clover community college

application.

'Cause with every application,

i get a point

towards a juice cup.

Ahem. Do you juice?

Because it's really

changed how i feel.

Last week's edition of

the clover high chronicle

was yet

another disappointment.

We did have new material

for each of the sections,

but once again,

it was all written by me.

Now this,

this has to stop.

This is not the

carson phillips chronicle.

All right? It's the

clover high chronicle.

Carson phillips.

Clover high.

Hopefully,

this week will be different.

Dwayne! Do you have

that movie review ready

for manslaughter 3 yet?

- Yes.

- Yeah?

- No.

- No.

I went,

but i passed out.

You didn't tell me

it was gonna be in 3d.

- It wasn't.

- Whoa.

Vicki. Do you have

your weather report ready?

- What?

- Your weather report.

Yeah, it's cloudy.

Okay. Thank you, vicki.

Progress, right?

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