Struck by Lightning Page #5

Can you blame me

for wanting to forget about it?

I want to meet him.

Your son, i want to meet him.

Yeah.

We tried

selling some ad space

to local businesses

but i had no takers.

Well,

you look like sh*t.

Why couldn't i have

worn something like that?

Okay. I don't know

what you're wearing,

but i have some bad news.

The truck pulling

the cheer float's

engine just died,

- so they're taking yours.

- Excuse me?

Oh, um, my apologies.

But you know,

homecoming's nothing

without the cheer float.

Okay, then go take

the athletes float away.

I mean, they pride

themselves running around

like mules anyway.

My decision's final.

Okay.

Final.

Well, at least

we had fun making it.

No. They're gonna

see this float if it kills me.

Nice costume.

Nice life.

[Marching band playing]

[Marching band playing]

Yeah!

Yeah!

Whoo!

[Band playing

"play that funky music

white boy"]

[Band playing

"play that funky music

white boy"]

Yeah!

- You're the man!

- Screw you!

- Are you drunk?

- Wasted.

AT no matter what...

[claire]

My apologies, but, you know,

homecoming's nothing

without the cheer float.

[Malerie] no one reads

the "chronicle" anyway.

[Girl] he's only here

because he's the editor

of that stupid paper.

AT no matter what...

- [telephone rings]

- Hello?

Malerie? It's carson.

- Who?

- Carson phillips.

Oh, yeah, i knew.

Operation clovergate's

in effect.

So many people to blackmail,

so little time.

But how're

we gonna blackmail

all of them?

Humph.

I don't know.

I got dirt on most of them.

So i'm not sure.

But then again,

columbus wasn't sure

if north america was there.

But it didn't stop him

from sailing to it.

And once he was there,

- you know what he did?

- What?

He enslaved

every single indian

around him.

Oh, you little indians,

look out.

Yeah.

Some will be

much easier than others.

N-n-no.

AT:

when the sky

opens

and the sound

comes out of it now

it's like a breath of air

it's like a splash of water

it's like a slap

on the hand...

you're "badboy2012"?

I can't even

look at you anymore.

Not that it was easy before.

It's a nice day.

Hey, siegfried.

Here you go.

Hey, roy, enjoy.

Ahem!

- What's this?

- [Laughing]

Come on.

You know what that is.

You left it in

the journalism classroom.

Um, did you guys want some?

If we were responsible students

we would go right now

to the school authorities.

Listen,

i'll write the movie review,

i promise you. Huh?

It's too late for that.

What a rush.

AT no matter what

i say

can i help you?

I was uh, just googling

some satan worshiping cults,

you know,

a hobby of mine, and

i came across these.

Check these out, right?

Isn't that you, i believe,

with a whip in your mouth?

Yes, yes, here you're

riding some guys in this one.

Yes, that's great.

And this one.

This one's my favorite.

Why are you showing me these?

Oh, i just want

to protect you, vicki.

I mean, i'd hate it

if these were accidentally

emailed to your mom.

Does she still teach

sunday school

at ryder baptist church?

And when i say teamwork,

what's the first thing

that comes to mind?

Shut up!

Move your books.

Move your books!

AT two, four, six, eight

heard you like to fornicate

[claire]

Carson!

I want you to be there

at that time.

I also want to recommend

not sleeping with students...

strongly recommend it.

Strongly recommend it.

I could get fired for this,

and i need that dental plan.

It's normal

to be with older women

in your culture, right?

I have no idea

what what you are saying,

but you are so hot.

And young and tannish

and imported.

Oh, god.

I feel like i'm in

eat, pray, love.

- Was that dirty talk?

- Si.

Oh, i love dirty talk.

Oh,

you're so "spanelicious!"

I love it!

[Man]

Ms. Hastings?

Coming.

[Cell phone rings]

- Hola?

- What's up, man?

[Regular voice]

Hey, what's happening, bro?

Nah, nothing.

I was just feeling up

the receptionist.

Yeah, dude, no,

the receptionist.

It's insane.

I'm one away from

beating my record.

I literally put the "dick"

in valedictorian.

It's...

i'll call you back.

So, emilio...

how long have you been

a fornicating exchange student?

And i would

tone down the telemundo.

- Malerie here is in spanish 4.

- Si.

I'm also fluent in

celtic and elvish.

Take that light

in your face.

All right, look.

I'm not from

el salvador obviously.

I'm from san diego.

- [Snickers]

- Sea world, i knew it.

I knew he smelt

very faintly of dolphin.

- No, i don't.

- What else? Tell us the truth!

Speak.

The only spanish i know

is from level one,

rosetta stone,

which i stole.

I've been saying

the same 10 phrases

over and over again

and no one seems to notice.

Please don't

tell my host family.

- Dude, they'd have me arrested.

- Why would you do this?

Are you kidding?

I get food, housing...

and girls.

Dude, girls like nothing more

than a guy that speaks spanish.

That just little...

[rolls tongue]...

oh, my god.

It all makes sense now.

- [Rolls tongue]

- Continue.

Dude, you can't blame me.

Yeah, yeah, i can.

I can blame you

muchas gracias, senorita.

This is for you.

- Si, "se paedophile."

- And just remember,

we have this all on film.

Well, hello, everyone.

And welcome

to the journalism classroom.

- You fascist.

- Okay, enough with the names,

all right? Okay, look.

I'll make this short and sweet.

You're all here

because i've got dirt on you.

Okay, well,

i know why i'm here.

Pretty sure

i know why dwayne's here.

Why are

the rest of you here?

That's for me to know

and the rest of you

to never know

if all goes as planned.

This is bullshit.

Not to mention illegal.

Do you know how many

lawyers my family has?

- Seven.

- All right, listen.

If any of you

would like to share

the information i have on you,

please feel free to do so

and then leave the room.

Didn't think so.

I'm late for

hello dolly rehearsal

- so what do you want from us?

- As you all know,

i am starting

a school literary magazine.

You want us

to buy your magazine?

You claire, no.

I would never expect you

to recognize

an intelligent publication

let alone purchase one.

But your friends

and families, yes. Why?

'Cause you're all

gonna be in it.

I want a literary submission

from each of you.

So that's what

this is all about?

This is ridiculous.

I'm not even a student here.

It's because

i want more from you.

And from you.

I want a submission from each

football player and cheerleader.

What?

Oh, you can't make me,

my cheer team, or anyone else

do anything, okay?

See, there is a reason

why you and precious

in the corner over there

are the only members

of your club. Okay?

And it's because

everybody hates you.

Even if you spread

whatever information you

have on us around the school,

no one is going

to believe you, got it?

- I will totally believe him.

- You don't count.

Oh, we don't count?

Thank you very much.

They will believe,

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