Submission

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1

[man's voice] Euston College was

first founded in the early 1800s

by Elijah Euston,

primarily to educate his six

sons and seven daughters.

Why he felt the need to educate them

at a college this isolated and inbred

isn't readily available.

As a novelist with one moderately

successful book under my belt,

I arrived at this well-paying

but lower-tier institution

with wife and child in tow,

the promise of health insurance

beckoning.

A short term gig, I thought,

fully expecting my second novel

to offer me a reprieve

and save me from obscurity.

That was a decade ago.

I had been touted

as an author to watch.

Little did I realize that that

christening would turn into my eulogy.

[man] Okay, so what did

everybody think?

What did anybody think?

[man's voice] Look at them.

They're shell-shocked.

They look like cartoon characters

hearing birdies tweet.

What engaged you?

Maybe it's a conspiracy.

Three stories about sex with animals,

and the term has just begun.

- Meg, why don't you jump in?

- I thought it was disgusting.

[man]

Positives first, please.

You can always find

something nice to say.

[man's voice] Unless you're a critic.

Or my first editor.

His spelling

wasn't offensive.

- Up yours.

- He wanted something positive.

That was the only positive

thing I had to say.

[students chattering]

Then again, maybe I should be

grateful for any student work

with a shred of vitality

and life,

- even if it is about bestiality.

- [groans]

- That's more than I seem to have at the moment.

- [groans]

- Is something wrong, Professor Swenson?

- [chattering stops]

Why do you ask?

You groaned.

Twice.

Did I?

Can you blame him?

That part where Danny did

what he did to that chicken

was just really, really gross.

I agree with Meg.

I thought the scene in the

kitchen came out of nowhere.

Seemed totally bogus.

Okay, so then

what would we do

to make it not seem

"totally bogus,"

as Carlos says?

Always quote the students,

if possible.

Makes them feel like

they're being taken seriously.

I'd change the boy's character

so that we know he's the kind of

person who'd do something like that.

He should be really pissed at the

waitress, so when he goes home...

- And here we go.

- [chattering continues]

The quote-unquote "suggestions"

that make a bad story worse.

When I first started teaching

I'd settle for nothing less

than the whole class

falling in love with me.

Now I just want to get through the

hour without major psychic damage.

Okay, all right. Okay, so then, does

everyone agree with these suggestions?

I think

they kinda suck.

All right, Angela.

Will you tell us why

you think they "kinda suck"?

I guess I just kind of liked

the way that it ended,

that it was so weird

and unexpected.

I mean, that's, like,

the whole point, isn't it,

that anyone can do

something like that?

This guy is getting home

from a really shitty date.

He goes home, opens the fridge,

sees the chicken and does it.

Right?

Guys are always surprising themselves

doing crazy sh*t like that,

even if they think they're not the kind

of guy who would do crazy sh*t like that.

Most guys would not

bone a chicken.

Yeah. I know

what most guys would do.

Okay, well, Angela does

bring up a good point.

She has a point.

Uh, Ryan doesn't do

what he does

because he's

a naturally violent person

or because his girlfriend bought

chicken and he hates chicken.

[students laughing]

It's the rejection that has caused him to

do "crazy sh*t," as Angela says. Right?

Now,

we've all been there.

Which is why we can see

that he is like us.

[bell tolls outside]

Okay. To be continued

next week.

Very good. Who's on the

hot seat next week?

Wh-Who is it?

Angela. Okay, great.

- So, this will be your first time, right?

- Actually...

So we promise

to go easy on you.

- Don't we?

- [students laughing]

- No?

- Actually, I'm not finished yet.

I, um, was hoping I could come talk to

you during your office hours tomorrow.

Yeah. Just remind me

when I have office hours.

Tomorrow morning.

Really?

I have morning office hours?

I'm more devoted

than I thought I was.

- [students laughing]

- That's great.

Then I will see you tomorrow morning

in my office during my office hours.

- [Carlos] Thank you.

- [Meg] Thank you, Professor.

All right, good luck.

Class dismissed. Get out.

Um, thanks.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Looking forward.

[exhales]

Hello?

- Nurse, I need some help.

- [whispers] Sh*t!

- Sorry. I'm sorry.

- You scared me.

- I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

- Oh, my God.

- Come here.

- What are you doing?

- Have a little quickie?

- You can't do that.

- Why not?

- Because I'm at work.

- So what? We'll say it's therapeutic.

- Stop. No.

There's a patient

right next door

who's been vomiting nonstop

since this morning.

Oh, great. My erection is gone.

Our jobs are safe.

He's the fifth kid

I've seen today.

Must be something

going around.

Well, let's go back home and get under

the covers where there are no germs.

We can't. We've got that meeting.

Remember?

Sh*t. Which we're already late for.

Let me tell Arlene I'm leaving.

Later though. A thorough checkup.

I promise.

Okay.

[clears throat]

Good.

I have here a copy of the Euston

College policy on sexual harassment.

Every September one receives

this in one's mailbox,

along with changes to the health

plan and cafeteria hours.

And every September

one immediately tosses

it all into the trash.

[staff chuckling

uncomfortably]

I know I do, and it's my

unfortunate duty to write them.

[whispers]

Such an a**hole.

- But I thought we might all...

- Shh.

spend a moment or two

going over it together.

I had a dream

about Ruby last night.

- Oh?

- Yeah.

We were driving, and I told her that

I'm her father and that I loved her

and that... that I only wanted

what was best for her.

What did she say?

She told me

that she forgave me,

that she was actually relieved

that I broke them up.

Wow.

What a wonderful dream.

I know.

And then this huge semi truck

came hurtling towards us.

[laughing]

She screamed

and I slammed on the brakes.

- And then I woke up.

- Oh, God. Maybe not such a wonderful dream.

Call her again.

No. I think she just deletes my messages

without even listening to them.

Surprise her. Drive down and

take her out for dinner.

I'm sure she could use

a good meal.

But someplace

within walking distance.

You don't want

to take any chances.

Love you.

Me you too.

[groans]

[phone rings]

[ringing]

[ringing continues]

[exhales] I'm still up.

What are you wearing?

[woman]

Excuse me?

It's Angela Argo.

I'm sorry.

I know you only gave out your

phone number for emergencies,

but I think we were

supposed to meet at 9:00.

Oh, sh*t...

I-I mean, yes, of course.

- I'll, uh... I'll be there in 15.

- Are you sure?

'Cause if you're busy

writing or something...

No, no.

The writing can wait.

Uh, I will see you in 15.

Okay, bye.

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