Suburban Baby Page #2

Season #1

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Veruca belts out more of her song.

VERUCA (ON TV) I want today, I want tomorrow.

ROME (V.O.) I deserved the world. I earned it. And everyone else had been depriving me of it. Living in it. Frolicking in it. A bunch of ignorant, selfish, useless squatters living in my home rent free. And I had ENOUGH.

Veruca continues her demand-filled song.

VERUCA (ON TV)

I want to wear 'em like braids in my hair and I don't want to share 'em!

ROME(V.O.)

I wanted to put a hefty price tag on the world, and people would have to pay. Every dirty look, every ha-ha and ke-ke, every lie, every punch that came in my direction was about rack up a bill so high it would cost an arm, a leg, and a newborn to pay it off.

VERUCA (ON TV)

And if I don't get the things I am after...

ROME(V.O.)

And if you can't pay...

VERUCA (ON TV)

I'm going to scream!

A sinister smile forms on Rome's once teary face as his eyes glide over to the couch where we know his family is seated.

(Clearly agitated) Before I could do that, I got myself into some trouble.

CUT TO -

INT. ROME's BEDROOM - NIGHT

A PRIEST is seen flinging holy water on a delirious and bloodied Rome.

ROME (V.O)

Saw a priest.

CUT TO -

Shot of house on fire and a silhouette of Rome holding a gas can. Sirens wail in the distance.

ROME(V.O.)

Lit a candle.

CUT TO -

INT. SAINT CAMILLUS ASYLUM - NIGHT

Rome is seen screaming in a room while DOCTORS strap him down to a bed.

ROME(V.O.)

Went to the doctors.

CUT BACK TO -

INT. MAIN HALL - DAY

ROME:

And now I'm here! You see when your absent mother pops back up to collect your father's hefty life insurance, you can afford to get put with all the rich people's f***ed up results of a broken condom. It's called privilege. (Giggling) I feel like a white man with an eight hundred credit score! Ah!

Rome continues, unaware of the approaching Glitter Himbos. An ear-rupturing squeal interrupts him, and the camera WHIP PANS to reveal WYATT, a buff GLAM GOTH Korean man with an insanely adorable face, running to embrace Rome.

ROME:

Wyatt!!!

WYATT:

EEEEEEEEE!!! BESTIE!

Another voice joins the excitement.

VOICE:

BROOOOOOOOOOS:

The camera WHIP PANS again, revealing TROY, a BLONDE JOCK with a smile too big for his face, running to embrace Wyatt and Rome. They all let out intense gay shrieks of excitement.

WYATT:

Troy, did you get bigger? Please tell me you didn't take steroids, b*tch.

TROY:

No, no, no, Brah. This guy gave me this stuff called anavar. He said it was vegan and totally natural.

ROME:

B*tch...

TROY:

What?

WYATT:

That's a steroid, jackass.

TROY:

What? Aw man. He totally played me, dude. He said it was illegal because the government didn't want people to know they didn't need protein to get bigger.

ROME:

Who cares? You look SICKENINGGGGGGG!!!!

The trio of Glitter Himbos jumps up and down, shrieking in the hall, receiving various "shut ups" from several students. Unbeknownst to them, they are being watched.

CUT TO:

INT. MAIN HALL BALCONY - DAY

A BLACK MAN dressed in a pastel polo and non-matching shorts, with a terrible permed comb-over, watches the Glitter Himbos with binoculars as they jump up and down.

MAN:

Chad, you need to see this!

CHAD #1, a tall Arnold Schwarzenegger-looking white man wearing the same outfit but with a letterman jacket, briskly walks over.

CHAD #1

(concerned) What's up, Number Two?

Chad #2 hands Chad #1 the binoculars, and he peers in disgust.

CHAD #2

They're up to something. I can feel it.

CHAD #1

I feel it too, Chad. I feel it too. (a beat) I want those homosexuals OBLITERATED. BETA CHAD!

BETA CHAD, a twink from earlier, rushes over

The twink from earlier rushes over nearly stumbling on his own feet.

BETA CHAD:

(Stuttering) Yes Number One?

CHAD:

Those gays...find out what those gays are doing. I want to know everything. They go to that little room back there and spend hours in it and I need to know why. You hear those shrieks?

Beta Chad nods.

CHAD:

Those are shrieks of evil and I can't prove it yet but oh boy when I do, every God fearing American will see me as a hero. As pure and righteous as White Jesus. As strong as the NRA, and as fair as Reaganomics.... yeah Reaganomics. Get on it, Beta Chad, and you better not let me down.

BETA CHAD:

Yes Chad.

Beta Chad attempts to scurry off as Chad #1 stops him.

CHAD:

You forgetting something?

Beta Chad stops and turns around, sauntering over to Chad #1. He bends down and reluctantly kisses his feet.

Chad #1

Very Good.

TRANSITION TO -

INT. DRAMA CLUB ROOM - DAY

Our Glitter Himbos are sitting at a table. Rome, holding a glass of mimosa gets up and walks to a rotating white board and flips it to the other side revealing a map of the United States.

ROME:

Our goal is simple.

ROME:

America. Land of the free, home of the brave... and soon, my personal playground.

He turns, dramatically to face the camera.

Rome walks over to a desk; Wyatt passes him a boldly marked calendar. He points to a date exactly 930 days from now.

ROME (CONT'D)

This, my friends, is D-Day. The day we will take over America. And how, you ask?

Rome chuckles, sipping his mimosa.

ROME (CONT'D)

Oh, just wait and see. The suspense is half the fun, you know what they say " don't skip the foreplay".

Rome puts down the mimosa, his hands clasping the calendar tightly. He points to another date, 540 days from now.

ROME (CONT'D)

By this date, our influence will have spread like wildfire, touching every corner, every crevice of this nation. The name Rome will be synonymous with power.

He laughs, placing the calendar back on the desk.

ROME (CONT'D)

And Missouri? Oh, sweet, forgettable Missouri.

Rome shakes his head, a smirk on his face.

ROME (CONT'D)

In 130 days, Our candidate on every ballot, the face on every TV screen. Because, let's face it,

GLITTER HIMBOS in unison.

Nobody likes Missouri.

Rome's laughter fills the room as he walks back to the map, a glint of mischief in his eyes.

ROME (CONT'D)

And for those brave, or foolish, enough to oppose me... Well, they'll meet a fate worse than a night in a Missouri motel room. And anyone who dares stand in my way will face a disappointment worse than buying a Rihanna album on Jamaica Avenue only to get home and realize it was a FAKE! I will rain down on every man, every woman, every he, her, they/ them who goes against us with the flames of a million suns until they suffocate on fire, brimstone, and Jean Paul Gautier's Le Male! I -

The camera bumps into Rome

ROME:

Damn B*tch, back up! Back the f*** up.

He gets himself together and drags Wyatt and Troy into the frame. The three are cheek to cheek with Rome's hand on each of their cheeks that isn't touching his face.

ROME:

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