Suburban Gothic

Yeah!

Um, can I call you Ticona?

Is it all right if I call you

by your first name?

No.

Okay.

I came here

because I need a job.

So if you could just type

my info into your computer,

help a brother out

find me a job.

Something in upper management

Would be great.

I'll take anything.

I am literally on the verge

of having to move back in

with my parents,

and I don't want to do that.

Raymond, I got nothing for you.

Moving back in with your parents

right now

doesn't sound

like such a bad idea.

It does. It really does

sound like a bad idea to me.

I don't know how to say this

without sounding terrible,

but you're the worst

guidance counselor ever.

I-I got to go. I got to go.

Thank you for everything.

Lose the scarf.

Freak.

Yoohoo!

I made you a little something to

keep your strength up, Hector.

- Oh, my goodness.

- Alberto? Cookies?

- Uh, are those gluten-free?

- Uh, no.

All right now here's the rule.

- I just reseeded the lawn.

- Hi.

I planted some new flowers.

You stay away, you understand?

I won't even look at them, dad.

How does that sound?

- All right.

- Does that work?

Look, and I'm sorry

for being so hard on you

on the phone the other day.

Hey, you have a thing

for black women...

she was Latino.

You have a thing for latina

black women, I'm okay with that.

Great.

Your mother and I are

very open-minded.

I've noticed.

Good, huh?

- Evey, Raymond's home!

- Oh! Oh!

I think he's here! He's here!

Oh, he's here!

Thanks for taking care

of my boy.

- I don't know him.

- He's here!

Mom!

My beautiful son.

My beautiful mom.

Oh, honey.

Turn around, let me look at you.

Oh, wait.

Mom, are you serious?

- Stop.

- All right.

- Oh, so handsome.

- So beautiful.

There is away you can help

your mother and me

- while You're here.

- How?

All those years of education

I paid for,

did you ever learn

how to speak any Mexican?

You know, sadly, dad, I don't

know how to speak Mexican,

because nobody in the world

speaks Mexican.

Mexican people speak Spanish.

Mexicans speak Mexican.

People from Spain speak Spanish.

- Come on in, Raymond.

- What are you doing

with that flag around your neck?

Uh, celebrating my freedom.

Good to see you.

Oh, you too. I'm so happy.

Well, you don't wear

the American flag on your neck.

Okay?

- Holy sh*t!

- F***!

You scared the f***ing

sh*t out of me.

What are you doing

in my bathroom, man?

Oh, sorry.

I just uh... noth... I just...

I was just checking out

your picture, man.

Yeah.

It's a little chubby guy.

Remember him?

Yeah, he developed

an eating disorder.

- Oh.

- Thanks for bringing it up.

- Well, you look good.

- Thank you.

I wanted to use

the porta-potty outside...

- Mm-hmm.

- ...But uh, your father

keeps forgetting

the seat covers, you know?

He's an a**hole.

- You said it. I didn't.

- I know.

- Yeah? Okay?

- All right.

Have a good one.

All right. You too.

Standing two steps down

I fell into the hole

in the ground

You can make the plan

When the tape's rewound

By the time

you call the boys...

So, Raymond, I'm going

into town tomorrow.

Would you like to join me?

I'm good.

Oh, honey,

of course You're good.

You're my little angel.

But... Your father and I

were wondering

if we could buy you a couple

new outfits for your stay.

Something just

a little less alternative.

Yes.

We really care about you, son,

and we recognize your more

European approach to fashion...

But we just don't think it's

appropriate here in America.

In the U.S. of a.

Well, dad,

I appreciate your concern,

and your criticism of everything

I've ever done in my life,

but I'm gonna have to

politely disagree with you,

based mainly on the fact

that you dress

like a drug dealer.

You hear how he talks to me?

Huh?

That's pretty funny

coming from a guy

who graduated business school

six months ago

and Can't find a goddamn job.

I'm holding out for a position

in upper management.

Oh, bullshit.

I think we're all

just a little tired.

It's been Avery big day.

Well, you guys

take care of the dishes.

I've got the game's gonna start

here in a minute.

Oh, and Raymond...

Take a shower, okay?

You smell bad enough

to gag a maggot.

How do you gag a maggot?

I don't know.

You're looking a little thin,

though, Raymond.

There.

Aaah!

Hector. I'm just an Uncle.

Hello?

Cousin Freddy!

Hey, what are you doing here?

Raymond, thank God.

I thought you were your dad.

Since I came out of the closet

he's forbidden me

to enter the property.

Congratulations.

Maybe you never

have to see him ever again.

Well, he's an Aires, so...

They're all f***ing a**holes.

Hmm. I didn't know that.

All of them.

I believe it.

I just didn't know it.

So, do you and mom get to see

much of each other anymore?

Occasionally.

You know, whenever she's

in the mood to sneak out

for a night of musical theater,

she calls me.

Sounds nice.

I f***ing hate musical theater.

Sorry if I frightened you.

I just... I had to pick up

some belongings.

Ooh.

Your mom let me, um,

store my car here

while I'm going through

a transformational period.

Hey, Would it be cool

if I borrowed your car?

I was actually just about to

go to a bar and get super drunk.

Yeah, be my guest.

Do you want to come with me?

No.

My peace corps application

just came through.

I don't want to jeopardize it.

Drinking makes me, um...

Makes me do things...

That I don't remember.

Okay.

Cool.

Are you okay?

'Cause you seem flustered.

Mm... Uh, not so good.

But um, it's nothing 15 or 20

drinks won't fix, you know?

You Can't drink that much.

You'd die.

Hey.

This ain't no public restroom.

Duly noted.

You are not from around here,

are you?

Born and raised, my brother,

but I have since relocated.

What brings you

to this sh*t hole?

Well, the, uh... the lovely

clientele, primarily.

And I also read somewhere

that they serve

a scrumptious Cosmopolitan.

And I myself...

holy sh*t!

I f***ing know you.

I used to take the bus

to school with this kid.

He used to be fatter than sh*t.

You used to be fatter than sh*t.

What happened?

Well, as you put it

I was fat as sh*t...

fatter than sh*t.

Fatter than sh*t.

Fatter than sh*t.

Thank you for correcting me.

And then the weirdest thing

happened.

It's like, I moved away

from this town

and all the people

that live within this town,

and then suddenly I had to stop

using eating

as coping mechanism

for depression.

So weird. Thinned out.

Who knew?

Are you still into

that paranormal sh*t?

Not professionally.

But I do still kind of

practice it as a hobby.

I don't believe that modern

science has all the answers.

Do you guys? Anyone?

I always figured

you just disappeared.

You started a cult or something.

Huh. Thanks.

Guess I've just

never really seen myself

as being that ambitious.

What are you up to? Drugs?

I used to love

kicking the sh*t

out of this f*ggot here.

Yeah, that was great.

That was really fun, man.

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