Sucker

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1

- (drumroll, cymbal crash)

- (crowd laughing)

(crowd gasping, applauding)

Told any good lies lately?

Lying is a part of human nature.

We all tell lies.

And those of you who don't

are lying.

Who wants to play? Who wants to play?

You can't win if you're not in.

MAN (narrating):
This

one's a classic...

one of the oldest street

swindles in the world...

the three-card monte.

Find the lady. Toss the broad.

The lady in red will get you ahead.

The jokers black will set you back.

MAN (narrating):
See

if you can do it.

Keep your eye on the queen.

(laughing)

Ten-to-one. "Ten-to-one,"

the man says.

Those are the odds and not the time,

unless it's time to play!

MAN (narrating):
Let me

introduce the Professor.

The beauty of the three-card monte

is that even though

people know it's a scam,

they still play.

Everybody wants to beat the man.

In fact, no sucker will ever

win the three-card monte.

CROWD:
Ooh!

- (cheering)

- Unless he's in on the game.

Yep, that's me.

And I'm no sucker.

- Three-card monte's the name of the game.

- (cheering)

A few years ago, I

learnt to tell lies

for profit and pleasure.

You would probably call

me a con man, a swindler.

I prefer the term

"professional liar."

So let me tell you the truth.

Come on, trust me.

MAN:
And start.

MAN (narrating):
You

recognize this scene, right?

Final maths exam.

Chinese kid.

Nervous, but he's

totally gonna ace it.

Well, you'd be right if

you were talking about him.

But we're talking about me,

the good-looking one.

Aaah!

It's all fun and games, Master Lawrence,

until someone loses an eye.

Can my son still sit the exam?

Lawrence has brought

great shame to the school.

There's also the injury to

young Jeremy Fong to consider.

But no exam means no university.

I'm afraid Lawrence must

suffer the maximum penalty.

Lawrence?

There are no short cuts.

Cheating will never get you anywhere.

But, Mum, everyone's

going. There'll be girls.

- You're not going to Schooler Paradise.

- Surfer's Paradise.

You promised us you studied.

- You lied to your family.

- Our entire family is full of doctors.

Don't we have enough?

- What are you going to be then, huh?

- I don't know.

My sister in China has bought a

ticket to come to your graduation.

- What am I going to tell her?

- You can tell her about Schooler's Paradise.

(speaking Chinese)

Fine! I'll pay you back.

Every last cent.

LAWRENCE (narrating):

What did they expect?

The average person

lies six times a day.

And I only cheated that one time.

I guess you gotta start somewhere.

(man chattering)

- What the hell!

- You want a phone, you need a job.

You want a job, you need an education.

- (bell chiming)

- (woman on PA, indistinct)

- Chinese lucky money?

- Call as soon as you get there.

With what?

Try to be a good boy.

(Chinese)

Look at these monkeys. They think

they get something for nothing.

But they're just idiots for us to laugh at.

You need to work hard for what you want.

Life is not a game show.

Lawrence, just because your father

sent you here as a punishment

does not mean you cannot have fun.

I can put on my computer

for you to play on.

- Do you have a modem?

- No, Lawrence.

A Macintosh.

(button clicks)

LAWRENCE (narrating):

Uncle Sam loved chess.

I mean, really loved it.

Chess taught him everything

that was important in life...

discipline, tradition,

self-control.

I want to die.

(clocks ticking)

Lawrence, Soo Jin is our club champion.

Lawrence is very smart.

Make a good Chinese boyfriend. (chuckles)

I will leave you two kids together.

I'm sure you'll have lots to talk about.

- She's eight.

- No, Soo Jin is 10, and I'm 52.

Anyone who can beat your

uncle in a game of chess

must have something worthwhile to say.

(loud clattering)

(chuckling) That's the spirit.

Excuse me, sir.

If you're not here to play chess,

I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

My good man, I am here to play.

A visitor's game is five dollars.

(chuckling)

Who's the president of

this fine establishment?

- I am.

- Oh, excellent.

You're a man of chess, no less.

A yellow Kasparov. (chuckling)

I, too, am quite the master

even if I do say so myself, which I do!

I've not been beaten for nine years.

This is a tragedy, but

I've come all the way...

to the antipodes for a new challenge.

Mr. President, I propose to you a wager.

Defeat me in a single game,

and you can ram-jam

ramabam these 50 clams...

into your old skyrocket.

I don't play for money.

Oh! (mutters)

(chuckles) So who is the

best player in the club?

- Me!

- Ah!

I won the club championship three times.

Oh, my.

Delighted to meet you, young lady.

Enough!

In that case, I shall defeat you all.

This is a serious club.

Very well. I shall defeat

at least half of you.

Gentlemen... and young lady...

the terms of tonight's wager.

I shall play you, Chairman Mao.

In fact, I shall play you all.

I stake my money that A:

I will defeat you, sir,

B:
I will defeat at least half of you,

and C:

I will play you all at

exactly the same time!

Hmm.

Hmm. Well.

(grunts)

Checkmate. Yes!

(grunting)

Gentlemen, thank you for

being so gracious in defeat.

But ruminate on this.

Next time, I might play sober.

- (chuckling)

- (murmuring)

SOO JIN:
He's brilliant.

Yeah. Very clever.

Why would you be following

an old drunk down an alley?

I'm a good judge of character, young man,

and you don't look like a ruffian to me.

- You forgot something.

- Ah, my whiskey!

Thank you.

Your cold tea.

A harmless little deception

in order to lower the

expectations of one's adversaries.

You're very perceptive for a

young man who doesn't play chess.

Neither do you.

But you just saw me play 10 games at once.

I'm the grand pooh-bah.

I haven't lost a match in 12 years.

- Nine years.

- Well, time flies when you're having fun.

You didn't win 10 games. You

didn't win any games at all.

You played them against each other.

You watched the move one

player made against you...

and copied it on the opposite board.

Of course you would

win half the games.

And you beat my uncle

because you played him

against the club champion.

Checkmate. Yes!

(laughing)

Lawrence, isn't it?

Well, Lawrence, you've busted my gaffe.

You're Joe hep. You're hep to the game.

And your keen eye has earned

you a pineapple here tonight.

Would you mind?

So you walk in, steal their money

and walk away just like that?

Lawrence, that hurts.

I didn't break any of the

Ten Commandments tonight.

I didn't murder anybody.

I didn't covet my neighbor's donkey,

and I certainly didn't steal anything.

You've just insulted an

old man who gave you $50.

My uncle's $50.

The lure of easy money...

clouds rational thought.

You cannot cheat an honest man.

That is the first rule of my occupation.

A con man.

I prefer the term "professional liar."

- SAM:
Lawrence!

- I should go... Wait!

- My money.

- Easy come, easy go.

That also tends to be something of a rule.

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