Super Dark Times

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[heavy breathing]

[muttering indistinctly]

[moose breathes heavily]

Don't let anyone see.

Let's do this, motherf***er.

Come on.

[upbeat rock music]

[music stops]

[Josh] Oh, my God.

This kid looks like he

suffers from Goblets.

[Zach laughs] You can't say that.

He was in a fire, you know.

- [Josh] Was he?

- [Zach] Yes. He was in a...

[Josh] Well, the fire

made him look really funny.

[Zach laughs]

[Josh] This kid looks

actually spot on like a bagel.

[Zach laughs] What are you talking about?

[Josh] This kid looks

like an ice sculpture.

She always reminded me of a backpack.

[Zach laughs]

[Josh] Always.

Jasmine Stamford. Would you?

I think so.

[Josh] She would snap your dick off.

What about her?

Probably.

She's blonde though, I don't really...

You don't like blondes?

Since when have you not liked blondes?

[Josh] I don't know.

I don't know what I want anymore.

[Zach] Oh, wait a minute.

I think we all agree that

Ms. Barron is hot as sh*t.

Oh, Ms. Barron!

She is f***ing ridiculous.

So f***ing sexy.

She should not be allowed to be a teacher.

[Zach] What about her?

[Josh] Mm. [gasps]

Allison Bannister.

Obviously. Obviously.

Anytime, anywhere.

- Anywhere?

- Anywhere.

Son, I'd do that sh*t for the

talent show, if that's what it took.

That is disgusting.

On stage, in front of everyone.

F*** yes! What, you wouldn't?

- At the talent show?

- Yeah, whatever.

- No. I mean...

- [blows raspberry]

Obviously... Okay.

Allison is very cute.

We know that, yeah? And she's very cool.

But, like, we know her.

You can't be saying this...

I don't know.

I like her.

Yeah, I like her too.

Yeah. Exactly. That's what I'm saying.

We actually know her.

I actually hang out with her sometimes.

It's just weird to be talking about her.

Hang out with her?

Yeah, like, in...

Like group stuff, you know, in school.

Like in history class or something.

You got any drinks?

Yeah, like, caffeine-free Coke.

Well, then...

Man, I hate the f***ing winter.

It's such a goddamn schlep to do anything.

"Schlep"? What are you, a grandpa?

The cold, it's debilitating.

It's awful. It hurts my face.

I don't know. Christmas rules.

Anyway, it gets really

pretty when it snows.

- "It gets really pretty"?

- Yeah, it does.

All right, Mom. We're going out for a bit.

I'll make sure to be home for dinner.

I love you. Bye.

Bye.

- [door shuts]

- [Karen] Huh?

[Zach] You know when you're

in your maximum velocity

and the gears just don't work anymore?

[Josh] No, I have no maximum velocity.

My power is untethered and ever-growing.

[Zach] Do aliens even have feelings?

Dude, I don't care if they have feelings.

The Silver Surfer is the

loneliest dude in the galaxy.

I don't... I mean...

The Punisher's pretty haunted, dude.

Look, you have no idea

what you're talking about.

Don't even start me in

with that Punisher sh*t.

[indistinct chatter]

Sh*t. Is that Daryl?

[Zach] Leave him alone.

What's up, cock fighters?

What, you wanna go?

Huh?

- Hi.

- I'm Josh.

You don't go to our school, do you?

No. Callaway Middle. Yeah.

Go Cougars.

Oh, you're... You're

Carol's little brother?

- Yeah, I'm Charlie.

- Oh, right. Carol Barth.

I know who Carol is.

Everybody knows who Tig is.

Come on, man.

Tig Bitty Bart.

- You love it. You love it.

- Oh, my God. Stop.

You smell like a cat box.

These are f***ing chopped onions.

What are you getting?

Nice.

Ew. Melon soda? Sounds gross.

They wouldn't make it if it was gross.

They make gross stuff all the time.

Pickles are gross.

- Pickles are not gross.

- I like pickles.

Hey, what do you... What

do you make of that thing?

Oh, that's been there forever.

Dried squid? Holy sh*t!

It's pretty gross.

Somebody eats it.

Nobody eats this sh*t.

Let's get it.

- Yes!

- Thank you.

Oh, sh*t!

Squid.

Squid. Squid.

- I wanna see you eat it.

- Squid.

Squid. Squid. Squid. Squid. Squid.

Squid. Come on.

Squid. Squid. Squid.

Squid. Squid. Squid. Squid.

Oh, God.

[laughter]

Great.

Give me some of that sh*t.

- Try this.

- You guys are whacked.

[Charlie] Seriously? Oh, my God, that's...

[Zach] Don't do it. Don't do... Oh!

[Charlie] Oh, my God!

It's horrible, isn't it?

It's not terrible.

It's not Skittles either, is it?

[Josh] No, it's not Skittles.

Skittles is f***ing delicious.

F*** this f***ing sh*t.

Oh, f***!

It's nasty. Oh, my God!

[Josh] Guys, lately I've been

thinking a lot about hands.

[Zach] What the f***

you thinking about hands?

[Josh] If I got one or both hands cut off,

what kind of prosthetic hands I would wear.

[Zach] If I lost a hand,

I'd definitely get a hook.

[Daryl] Yeah, f***ing hook.

[Charlie] Like from

Peter Pan? Seriously?

[Josh] But why stop there?

There's so many different types of hands.

You could have a hot hand

that just cooks steaks.

[Charlie] A f***ing hot

hand is not a f***ing thing.

You could f***ing have lighter hands.

F***ing set sh*t on fire.

[Charlie] Why is this bridge even closed?

[Zach] Yeah, what the f***?

You guys didn't hear? Somebody died.

No one died.

- Somebody died?

- Yes.

Don't f***ing cry, Charlie.

Everybody f***ing dies.

[Charlie] I'm not gonna die.

I'm f***ing immortal. Like Highlander.

Hey, wait up, you motherfuckers.

[Josh] Tomorrow marks the end of

my week-long fast from masturbating.

[Zach] Why the f*** would

you ever do that to yourself?

[Josh] Because if you wait like a week,

it feels really good

when you go back to it.

[Daryl] Guys, yesterday my parents

f***ing rented that movie True Lies.

And after they went to sleep, I f***ing

watched that scene where she stripped

over and over and over and over and over.

I must have jerked off

two and a half times.

- [Charlie] Is that a record?

- [Zach] We don't wanna hear this.

[Daryl] I tried for three,

but my dick got sore.

So I went to the freezer to get some ice,

but there was none in the tray.

So I got a f***ing steak instead.

[Josh] Ugh. You put it back in the freezer?

[Daryl] F*** no. I cooked that sh*t up,

scarfed it and passed out on the couch.

[Zach] Dude, that's f***ing disgusting.

[Daryl] You f***ing idiots.

Of course I f***ing put it back.

You know, that doesn't make it better.

Someone's gonna eat that.

Oh, my God. This is not the

point of the f***ing story.

What is the point of the story?

- I'm getting to it.

- He's getting to it.

The point it, b*tch be hot.

Like Charlie's sister.

- [laughs]

- Shut the f*** up.

Or Zach's mom.

Yes. Sorry, Zach.

You think if you jump from

up here on a boat down there,

you could break through

the deck and sink it?

[Charlie] Like in a cartoon or something?

[Josh] I doubt it.

My uncle did it one time

on the Fourth of July.

No, he didn't.

Yeah, he did.

He won a thousand bucks,

but broke his f***ing leg,

'cause he slipped on a fish.

[Charlie] Guess that evens out then.

F***, yeah.

Slickest sh*t I ever saw.

[Josh] I could do it.

Are you special forces?

[Josh] No, but my uncle was.

Rate this script:3.8 / 4 votes