Surviving Christmas

My firm's done a tremendous

amount of market research.

We've discovered two things:

One, most Americans feel

that Christmas is a time for family.

Two, most Americans feel that in order

to stand being around their family,

for even one or two days,

they need to swill as much

alcohol as humanly possible.

Now, I'd like you

to meet the Noggertons.

They're a classic American family.

They're together on Christmas,

they're fat-free,

and 10 percent alcohol

by volume.

Enjoy our family, so you can

enjoy your family.

What do you think?

So, you're suggesting we tell people

the only way to get through the holidays

is to drink spiked egg nog?

I'm suggesting the only way

to get through the holidays

is to buy your farm-fresh, fat-free,

pre-spiked egg nog in a bottle.

- Take care. All right.

- It's all good. How do you do it?

I'm very excited.

I look forward to it.

It went pretty well, huh?

I'm a genius.

I feel like I could sell

whale steaks to Greenpeace.

Nice image.

- Here are your tickets to Fiji.

- Ah.

Missy, we've been

dating a while.

Let's take our relationship

to the next level.

I've hoped you would say that.

I got you a little

pre-Christmas Christmas gift.

Yeah?

I want you to open it now

because it involves our future.

The future of you and me together.

It's kind of for both of us,

in that way.

Okay.

Tickets to Fiji?

Yes. First class.

Drew, on Christmas?

Christmas is the family holiday.

I mean, what are we doing? What is this?

I mean, what is going on?

Where is this relationship headed?

Fiji. First class.

- Missy?

- Uh-uh. Okay.

Here's an example

of one of our problems.

You never introduced me to your family.

You never mentioned your family.

Do you even have a family?

How can you be serious about me,

if you're not serious about your family?

You need to get some

serious help, Drew.

I think you're missing the point.

If I told you everything about me,

there'd be no more sense of mystery.

Nothing left to discover.

With nothing left to discover,

a relationship dies.

You don't want this to die, do you?

It just did.

Come on. Don't be like that.

You're gonna be like that?

Go ahead. Go.

I'm going to spend Christmas

with my family.

You can spend Christmas alone.

Missy.

Kathryn, I need you to get

a Cartier bracelet to send to Missy.

Something expensive,

a lot of diamonds, very flashy.

- Include a personal note from me.

- What exactly do you want it to say?

Something personal that shows

the depth of my feelings, my emotions.

- You're good. That's why I hired you.

- Okay, but it's not gonna work.

My man.

Oh, Dougie!

Doogan. Doog-ray.

Douglas.

It's Drew.

Drew Latham.

Yeah. What's up, man?

What are you up?

Ah, nothin', nothin'.

Hey, man,

what're you doing for Christmas?

Family? Nice. Nice call.

Uh, you got room for one more?

Well, I think we are that close.

I love Jewish Christ...

I'll light candles, spin the dreidel.

It'll be great,

a matzo ball soup and baklava.

All right, well, that's Greek.

Fine, whatever. I'm just...

You still there?

I know you have a baby.

I'm just saying, like, you know,

they just lie there

and crap themselves, right?

After a while,

how interesting is that?

No, I'm not saying anything bad.

I'm just sayin'...

Huh?

Well, maybe, your wife

doesn't have to come, man.

Maybe it's me and you

for Christmas.

You ever think about that?

Would you mind if I came by

to your house and spent Christmas?

It's like one or two, three days, tops.

All right.

Merry Christmas.

Okay, right over here.

Everybody stay together.

All real good.

Okay, you've got Tu-Tu...

Doctor Freeman!

Thank God, I found you.

Sir, sir...

I gotta spend Christmas alone.

I'm having a panic attack.

- You gotta help me. Please!

- Who are you? I don't know you.

I'm the boyfriend

of one of your patients.

- You are?

- Missy Vangilder.

You're Drew.

You're Drew. Oh, God.

- What does that mean?

- I'm not allowed to say.

- How did you find me?

- I bribed a woman at your service.

She should raise her standards

or you gotta fire her.

She totally caved for 200 bucks.

- Whatever.

- I need a few minutes.

Backpacks on the belt.

Game Boy too.

You gotta help me out.

I don't wanna spend Christmas alone.

If you would just please!

She's gotta put

the bear on the belt.

Can't she walk it through?

She's got to put it on the belt.

- It's a puppy!

- I know it's a puppy.

Put Tu-Tu on

and she'll go for a ride.

- My Tu-Tu!

- I need one second.

If you could just please!

- Okay, gimme the puppy.

- Sir, I need you to step here.

- You're abusing your child.

- Can you see I've got my own problems?

- Whoa, whoa, now.

- I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

Okay. Okay.

Hey, I know.

- Heard it on the radio once.

- All right.

Write down your grievances

about your family on paper.

- All your grievances.

- Right.

Go someplace that reminds you

of your childhood,

at sunset and light

that piece of paper on fire.

As the last shred of paper

is burning away, you whisper,

"I forgive you. "

- "I forgive you. "

- Mm-hm.

- And it burns up.

- That's it.

I like it.

- Oh, thanks so much!

- Whoa! All right.

- Have a good vaca.

- Where's my daughter?

Sir?

Huh? Oh, there she is.

Whoa! Hey! Come on out!

Come out for Daddy!

My grievances.

Okay, buddy, here we go.

That'll be $ 72.50.

My God!

That's it!

That's the house I grew up in.

How's the $ 72.50 comin'?

Good. It's comin' good.

Keep the meter running.

- Almost out of salami.

- No.

Well, thank you for telling me.

- I don't wanna run out, that's all.

- God forbid.

- Did Brian eat?

- I don't know.

Get down here

and eat your dinner.

- I'm not hungry!

- Yeah, you are!

Stop yelling at me.

I'm not yelling at you.

Brian!

Brian!

Get down here please, so your father

can stop not yelling at me!

I'm busy!

We shouldn't have put

the computer in his room.

He's gonna spend

all his time there.

Oh, Tom.

Welcome to the future, dear.

He's advancing his skills.

One day that computer's

gonna get our baby a good job.

Trust me. What he's doin',

nobody's gonna pay for,

'cause if they did,

I'd have retired at 17.

- What?

- There's a guy out there.

Who the hell is that?

All right. Alone on Christmas.

I can do this.

I rid myself

of all my grievances.

Be gone, grievances.

What the...

I forgive you.

Holy Moly. This joker.

What are the neighbors gonna think?

Unless they want to get hit, they

shouldn't be burning crap in my yard.

Is he still breathing?

Dear God, Tom.

You've killed the man.

Oh, sh*t! He's still alive!

Hello.

My name is Drew Latham.

I grew up in this house.

That's why you came back and

tried to burn it down, Pyroboy?

- Brian, call the cops.

- Oh, no, no, no!

That won't be necessary. That's fine.

I was just outside burning,

someone told me to burn

a list of my grievances

outside of the home of my birth

to help me with loneliness issues.

- So, it's all fine.

- Oh.

Any-hoo, apologies

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