Surviving Christmas Page #2

and I'm gonna go.

Would you mind terribly

if I took a look-see around the house?

- I'll give you a tour.

- Oh, thank you.

Hold on.

- You got any more matches?

- No. No, no, no.

Are we done with all that?

Yes. The burning. Yes.

It's completely done.

I'm actually better.

I'm watching you.

Wow. I can't believe it!

This is amazing!

It's exactly how I remember it.

- You mean it was always a shithole?

- No. No, it's great.

Did you hear that?

That stair squeaked.

Do you know what we

used to call that squeaky stair?

"The squeaky stair. "

Wow. My old room.

My God.

Hey, look at that!

I can touch the ceiling.

It's much smaller than I remember it.

Did you do something?

Yeah. We had it reduced.

Cost a lot, but yeah,

I think it was...

I think it was worth it.

Man, this is great.

Man, this is the best.

You guys sittin' around

eatin' dinner like a family.

I always wanted that.

This is really wonderful.

Wonderful.

So, what's for dessert?

- Kitchen's closed.

- Aw.

- Yeah, I got things to do.

- Ah, boy.

Tom, why don't you

see the man out?

I didn't want to let him in.

I'll call you a cab.

Is that necessary?

Yeah, it is. Yeah.

But you know, man,

I gotta tell ya,

all these years I've been

avoiding Christmas,

and I just realized,

this is what I've been longing for.

A real family, you know?

In a true home.

That's why I'm thinking

it might be a good idea

if I lived with you.

Tom! Tom!

Tom, please!

Please let me stay here!

No.

- I'll pay you.

- My family's not for sale, pal.

Tom, I'll pay you $250,000.

Welcome home, son.

Mom.

Tom, that guy is still here.

- Yeah, I know.

- Why is he still here?

He's givin' us $250,000

to be his family for Christmas.

And you agreed to this?

Without asking me?

Of course I did.

He's giving us $250,000.

How would you like it if I

agreed to this without asking you?

Well, that would depend.

Would we be getting $250,000?

Okay. What exactly

did you agree to?

It's a big day for this family.

- Very well.

- All right.

Mr. Latham agrees

to pay the sum of $250,000

to the Valcos for services rendered

until 11:
59 pm on Christmas Day.

And for said sum, the Valco family

will aid Mr. Latham in recapturing

those childhood Christmas memories,

including, but not limited to,

all due festiveness, celebrations,

various and sundry merriments,

and yuletide glee.

Agreed!

Agreed, right?

Fakin' it anyway.

Might as well get paid.

Will there be anything else?

Oh, yeah. I gotta sleep

in Brian's room.

What? No.

Where is this going here?

Like it says in the contract.

I get to sleep in my old room.

Oh, come on. Creepy grievance guy

wants to sleep in my room?

If I wanted that, I'd use a bus ticket

those guys send me on the Internet.

I just wanna sleep in my room,

like it says in the contract.

Brian, you're in the guest room.

My computer's not in the guest room.

How am I supposed to... study?

Use your imagination.

Well, I'm gonna

catch some shut-eye.

Who wants to go Christmas tree

shopping with me in the morning?

Apparently, you all do.

I'm home.

Oh!

Brian? Brian!

I didn't do it.

It's all right.

I'll fix it.

I'll fix it. Ow.

Well, that should do it,

assuming no other idiot...

Is he eatin' my salami?

That's what it looks like.

- It's 9:
00 in the mornin'.

- Oh, I know. It's not breakfast food,

but it was lookin' good.

I had to dog some.

Yeah, it is good.

- Is that the last of it?

- Yep.

Oh. You didn't want some, did ya?

No. It's all right.

It's fine, it's fine.

Ah.

Kathryn, I hope

you're checking messages.

Should anyone need to reach me,

they can call my cell.

If you need to send anything,

the address is 2 Edgewood Road

in Lincoln Wood, Illinois.

Stayin' with my family.

Hey, Dad?

He's talkin' to you, genius.

Yeah, Drew?

Would you do me a kindness?

Put this hat on.

My dad used to wear a Santa hat

when we went Christmas tree shopping.

- In public?

- Yeah.

That would be no.

And in private,

that would be no, too.

Please wear the hat.

No. I'm not wearing the hat.

Tom, you gotta wear the hat.

- I'm not wearin' the hat.

- Wear the hat, Tom.

Now get it away from me

before I shove it up your ass.

Tom, are you familiar

with the phrase "breach of contract?"

- Give me the hat.

- All right.

$250,000. $250,000.

$250,000.

You're lookin' good, Dad.

- Tom!

- Shut up!

Eyes on the road.

On the road. Dad.

Gimme your leg.

No.

Nope.

Oh, wait a minute.

This could be it.

This could be it.

Yep. This is it.

This is the one.

You're good.

Excuse me, folks.

Dad, you wanna lift that up,

have respect for the tree? No?

It's gonna be in our house, so...

Wait, wait, wait.

Where are we going with this?

All right. Let's get that baby up there,

hoist that up.

Get that on the roof.

All righty.

That's pretty good. All right!

You got it. There you go.

Get around it.

Get around on it.

Brian, get your skinny little ass

out of the car!

You got it, Dad.

You got it.

You got it.

Nice one. All right, I think it's good.

I think it's good like that.

Whoo! Christmas time.

- How's it look?

- It could trigger a seizure.

I know.

Wait till you see it lit up.

I thought it was lit up.

Oh no, no, no.

We gotta sing "Christmas Tree" first.

Tom, you take the lead.

- You want me to sing?

- Yeah.

Do I have to?

Yeah.

Would it make any difference

if I didn't want to?

Not really.

Come on.

Oh, Christmas tree

Christine, you wanna

help me out here a little?

No, you're doin' great.

You're doin' good, Dad.

Come on. You can do it.

"Oh, Christmas tree"

Oh, Christmas tree

You stand in woodland beauty

You are as green

- "As winter snow"

- "As summer snow"

- Winter snow.

- "Winter snow"

As in summer's brightest glow

Oh, Christmas tree

Oh, Christmas tree

You stand in woodland beauty

Ahhh

That was great.

- That was good.

- That was, yeah.

All right.

Without further ado, let's fire it up.

Ready? One, two...

All right, people.

Take five. I'll deal with this.

Thank Christ.

Can I help you?

Yeah. Who are you?

Um, who are you?

Alicia!

Hey, Mom. Hi. Who's this?

Mom, who is this?

Okay, what's going on?

Dad's rented us for the holidays

to this eccentric millionaire.

You have a daughter?

Since when do you have a daughter?

- It's her terrible secret.

- This is gonna ruin everything.

- The whole bit doesn't work.

- Ruin? Know what?

Shh. Will somebody say something

that makes some sense right now?

Well, around Christmas,

I get anxiety...

No, no. You stop talking. Mom?

Drew wants a family Christmas,

so we're gonna be his family.

- That's insane.

- Tell me about it.

I never had a sister,

so this is bullshit right here.

Okay. You are my

illegitimate love child.

- Mom!

- And you had no idea about her.

That could be good.

You know what?

- She could be the maid!

- Okay. Enough.

Hey, my baby's home.

- Hi, Daddy.

- How are you, Lissi?

Hi. I'm good.

You've obviously lost your mind.

Can I talk to you

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