Surviving Christmas Page #3

in the dining room, please?

You knew about this?

- Stay away from my daughter.

- Okay, Mom?

- This guy is obviously crazy.

- I know.

So, I'm gonna go upstairs,

and take a bath,

and when I wake up in the morning,

he's gonna be gone, right?

Maybe.

I'm not gonna be a good sport

about this, Mom.

Oh, darling, we'd never

expect you to be.

Thanks.

Come on, Mom!

It's tree time!

Okey-dokey.

All right.

We're back on track.

Yeah.

Okay.

Here we go.

One, two, three!

Now it feels like Christmas.

I can smell

my eyeballs burning.

Very important.

Don't look directly at the tree.

- Brian!

- What?

Wake up!

It's your brother, kind of!

It's snowing outside!

It's a snow day!

Why are you waking me up?

I don't want you

to miss the fun, man!

What fun?

Oh! Facial! Iceball!

Whoo! Ha ha!

Look out! Oh!

Right in the nuts!

In the nuts!

- I can't feel my toes.

- Here he comes.

The look of vengeance.

Eye of the tiger.

Oh, oh.

Now he's getting furious.

Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo!

- What's up, Tom?

- Brian, go inside.

See you later, Bri.

It was fun.

You like throwing snowballs?

I was just havin' a good time.

You know.

Yeah. Throw one at me.

That's cool.

Don't worry about it.

We're kinda finished now.

Come on.

Like you said, it'll be fun.

It's getting a little chilly.

I don't wanna bother.

- Don't worry about it.

- Ah, come on. Throw it.

All right, I'll throw one,

I'll throw one.

Good one.

Now it's my turn.

No!

That was great.

Any time you wanna do that,

let me know.

We said no iceballs, man.

Oh, did we?

Morning, Mom.

Freak.

You know what?

We may have gotten off

on the wrong track.

We should start over.

- Here you go, Drew.

- Thanks, Mom.

- Mmm.

- Problem?

My real mom puts marshmallows

in the hot chocolate.

Know what I was thinking?

If you don't wanna play my sister,

maybe you could be, like,

a wonderful, mysterious

Ecuadorean cleaning lady.

You know?

Or Swedish cleaning lady.

The ethnicity's not important.

But cleaning lady's good.

Oh. Mmm.

What?

My real mom used the

mini-marshmallows. Sorry.

Speaking of your mom, why aren't you

annoying your own family?

That's not really your business,

is it, Consuela?

Ho, ho, ho!

All righty.

Welcome, everyone.

- Here you are.

- What is this?

These are what we

in the business call scripts, Tom.

- Excuse me?

- You don't have to worry about it.

Your role is what we call "small. "

Well, you're what we

in real life call "a jackass. "

I don't know about that,

but I do know that my being here

may have caused some awkwardness

within the family.

- You think?

- I do, Tom. Seriously.

And it's even possible

that some of it could potentially be

in some small way

partly my fault.

Which part wasn't your fault?

Bop, bop, bop, bop.

I'm talking. Okay?

So what I've done is I went

ahead and wrote a sequence,

so you guys can get a sense

of what I'm going for here.

And we're all gonna

read this aloud.

- I feel like I'm insane.

- That's why you have no lines.

- Mom, I believe you go first.

- Okay.

"Oh, look at us.

I sure hope you like the meal

I so lovingly prepared

for the people I love.

She smiles at Tom. "

Oh, she's...

Have you acted?

You've acted before.

- A little theater.

- I can tell.

- I see it. It comes out.

- You were in "Pippin" in high school.

You played Wind.

Tom, you have the next line.

Uh...

"Say thank you to your mother

for all her hard work cooking for us. "

"Thank you. "

"Oh, I don't work nearly

as hard as you, dear. "

Well, that's true.

Tom, let's stay on book, please.

Brian, go ahead.

"Gee, Mom, I love you

like the dickens.

Should we pray?"

Gee, Beav, do you think Wally's

gonna give you the business?

Oh, there you are, Consuela.

Five waters for everyone, please.

Gracias.

Brian,

you were about to say grace.

- "Dear God... "

- Brian. We hold hands at grace.

"Dear God,

thank you for this meal.

Thank you for blessing us

with a family.

Not everyone has a nice family.

And also we, O Lord,

are so lucky to have Drew

in our lives. "

Amen.

"An emotional moment. "

Sorry, I keep doing that.

"Brian, if you eat it all up,

I will let you sleep with me

like I never did

when you were little. "

An awkward moment.

Skip ahead.

That doesn't work.

- That's not supposed to be there.

- What does this mean?

"Doo-Dah enters

in his bathrobe. "

Sweet Jim Jiminy!

Cold corn in the mornin'!

- This weather is killin' my joints.

- Brian, go get the shovel.

Listen to me. When Alicia came,

she totally ruined everything.

Everything was so normal

up until that point.

Silencio, por favor.

So I realized what I had to do

was expand the family.

I had to find my grandpa.

So I went and found my Doo-Dah.

Here he is. My Doo-Dah.

Your Doo-Dah looks exactly like the guy

in "Christmas Carol. " Scrooge.

That's right.

I do community theater.

And this Christmas night,

I'm reprising my role as Scrooge

in the Lincoln Wood

Theater Group's production

of "A Christmas Carol. "

I hope you all can make it.

Please stay in character, Saul, okay?

"I'm so glad that you came here.

You're gonna stay for

the whole Christmas holiday. "

Whoa, no, he's not.

I agreed to let you in the house,

- not Doo-Doo over here.

- Doo-Dah.

- Nobody's talkin' to you.

- Look.

I'll give you $25,000.

How you doin', Doo-Dah?

You can stay in the living room.

No, Dad, I'm sleeping

in the living room.

Not anymore.

Where am I gonna sleep?

Ow.

I hate these people.

Everybody get some presents,

get your shoppin' done,

and then we'll meet at 4:00

at Santa's Village to take pictures.

Kids, don't lose track of time.

Mom, you wanna stick

with Doo-Dah?

- Why me?

- He's your father.

- How come you never call?

- Tom! Tom! Tom!

Yes, Drew?

Aren't you forgettin' something, T-Bone?

Here you go, Lenny.

Happy holidays to you.

- You too.

- Hey, Tommy!

Nice hat.

- How's the holidays?

- Considering I got a pain in my ass

about six feet tall

in my house, all right.

Oh, relatives, huh?

- Kinda.

- Oh, your wife's family.

They hang around your house

all day and drink your beer.

They eat your salami.

Hey, guys! Wait up!

A**hole!

All right, there we go.

Excuse me.

All of you?

Mom, this sucks.

Tell your father.

He made the deal.

Everybody say "Merry Christmas. "

- Merry Christmas!

- Ho, ho, ho!

Doo-Dah, interest you

in a Christmas cookie?

I can't. I'm diabetic.

That dog won't hunt, my friend.

Doo-Dah wasn't diabetic.

Go ahead and take one.

Look, kid, I get that.

But if I eat this thing,

I can't act not dead.

Hey!

Slow down.

The roads are icy.

- I don't want you to kill your family!

- Perfect, Christine.

That's what my mom

would've said. Good improv.

Before your father

threw her out of the car.

Ah, the old carriage house.

Brings back memories.

- What's going on?

- Brian, go inside.

What? Come on! Dad.

I'm in my pajamas.

You want me to sleep outside?

Go.

Fine.

I can't go in my room, I get...

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