Surviving Christmas Page #4

You know, when I become a serial killer

don't act surprised.

Think positive, Bris-eye.

Use your positive mindset.

That's not what we talked about.

It's hard to get through to him.

So what's goin' on?

What's up?

You gotta go.

- What?

- We can't do this no more.

What do you mean?

What can't we do?

Christine and I,

we're thinkin' about breakin' up.

What? Why?

Is it my fault? Something I did?

Is it the hat? Forget it.

Wear whatever you want, Tom.

It's not you.

It's nothin' to do with you.

It's been goin' on for a long time.

We're just... It's not workin' out.

We were gonna wait till after

the holidays to tell the kids,

and you know, with you here,

and with your Christmas cheer crap,

it's making it worse.

Tom, first of all,

I wanna reward you for opening up

with a big "thank you,"

that deserves some credit.

Second, let me tell you

what you need to do.

If I was you

and comin' into some money,

I'd do somethin' big, somethin'

you always wanted your whole life.

Somethin' that makes you happy.

I want the money. I really do.

It's Christine, she keeps...

All right. Let me worry

about Christine, okay?

I'll worry about Christine.

You worry about Tom,

'cause it's Tom time.

- Christine?

- Yes, dear?

- Can I talk to you?

- Of course, dear. I'm your mother.

You can talk to me

about anything.

Great.

- Are you all right?

- Uh-huh.

You sure? 'Cause you just put

a bra in Brian's sock drawer.

Oh, well, that's your brother.

15. Likes to experiment.

We still love him.

Look, Christine, I know what's going on

with you and Tom,

and first of all,

I just wanna say that

I'm feeling a little ripped off here,

you know?

I thought I was getting a real family.

This is bullshit.

Well, it's time you grew up

and faced facts, isn't it?

Mommies and daddies

fall in love, make babies,

pay bills, get mad,

and stop touching each other!

Second of all,

I was thinkin' I could do something

to help you, make you feel better.

How about just me and you

go shopping?

- For what?

- I don't know. Just go shopping.

You know what I mean?

It's fun just to buy sh*t.

Listen, I know all the best

makeup and hair people.

The best fashion photographer

in Chicago owes me huge!

So?

You don't see it, do you?

You don't see what

a beautiful woman you are.

You have grace and kindness

and sensuality,

and this incredibly striking,

kind of offbeat beauty that's...

You look in the mirror, and don't

see it. We're gonna show you.

How would you like me

to arrange your very own,

very hip, very sexy, yet tasteful,

very elegant, very modern,

very expensive

photo shoot, just for you?

Or not.

I mean, whatever...

Oh, Drew, you've made

your mama so happy.

Great.

Oh, Mom.

Hey, Alicia.

Want to go tobogganing?

Oh, I'm sorry, Drew.

Have I been sending you mixed signals?

I just thought

maybe instead of sitting around

bickering and hating me,

you might like to have some fun.

No, thanks.

Ah, I see.

I get it.

You're afraid of fun.

You don't like having fun.

What the hell does that even mean,

"I don't like fun"?

Of course I like fun.

Everybody likes fun. It's fun.

All right, so then why

won't you go with me?

Because it would be with you.

You know what I think?

I think you're afraid.

I think you're afraid

that you will go, and have fun,

and you might enjoy yourself,

and you'd be with me.

What would that say about you?

That's what I think.

- Really?

- Mm-hm.

Let's go.

- All right.

- Ready, Freddie.

- Well, hello there, youngsters.

- Hi.

- Tobogganing?

- Breakneck Hill.

- Fun.

- Yeah.

Oh, what do you know?

Back in my day, we couldn't

afford fancy toboggans.

Are you smoking pot?

What do you think?

Nice.

Yeah. This'll keep you

from dying, Dad.

Had one of these

when I was single.

I bet.

Know what happened to me

on the way over here?

- What?

- Got propositioned by a hooker.

- Did you?

- The blonde with the big cans?

Hey, watch your language

around my daughter.

Brian, take a look at your father's

new automobile here!

Yeah, what do you think?

It's old.

All right.

Hey, Bri, come on.

- We're gonna go tobogganing.

- That's great.

She's ready.

Hi. I'm Christine.

I feel so pretty.

- What are you doing?

- Modeling.

Here.

Chad, have you ever

seen me so elated?

It must be this woman. Yes.

Isn't she sexy? Erotic.

- Speak!

- Absolutely, Heinrich.

- She's got that special quality...

- Get out now.

- But I'm agreeing with you.

- You hesitated.

Yeah, you heard him.

Get out! Beat it!

Get out! Beat it!

Uh-oh.

He thinks we're serious.

We were serious.

Very serious.

Yeah!

"Ausgeseichnet!" Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Ah! Erotic! Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, yeah! Great!

Oh, more!

Lick the lollipop! Yeah!

I do not want to do this.

Ah, you say that now.

Once you get going, you'll run and jump

and squeal with joy.

- Okay?

- Let's do this.

Here we go.

Hunker down.

Center your weight.

Breakneck Hill!

Whoo! Whoo!

That was crazy!

Did you see him fly down the hill?

I made a mistake.

It was scarier when I was younger.

- Can we go home now?

- No, we can't go home!

We are gonna risk permanent paralysis

or die trying!

That one! Land!

Yes, sir! Whoo!

Gonna be some serious fun!

Sure, in a Sonny Bono

kind of way.

What's that I hear?

A little chicken?

- Chicken.

- Yeah. And very much so.

I'm gonna go home now.

- Seriously? You're leaving?

- See ya at the chopper.

Wow. Never thought I'd see the day

that taunt would lose its power.

What about you?

Chicken with broccoli?

Actually, part of me thinks

that it's incredibly stupid,

and the other part is in agreement.

- There you go.

- You're chicken.

- Know what I think?

- What?

I think that you had no intention

of going down this hill.

I think that you dragged us up here

because you knew we wouldn't go down it.

I think you were showing off.

That's what I think.

Wait. You think I'm chicken?

I'm chicken?

Let me give a little clue here, okay?

You think I'm chicken?

I'll show you.

You see me?

I'm ready to go.

Where are you?

Nowhere to be seen. Chicken.

All right.

Come on. Let's go.

- You're getting on?

- Yeah.

- No!

- Come on, push off.

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, God.

I told you you'd have fun with me.

- Sorry.

- That's cool. It's okay.

- Here you go.

- Thank you.

- It's my fault you got sick.

- It's not your fault.

We even might have gotten sick

without tobogganing.

It didn't help walking home

in wet clothes.

- You wanna watch TV?

- Uh-huh.

- Hey.

- Hi.

You look different.

Did you do something?

Are you serious?

No, I just mean that...

...you look good.

Thanks.

Where'd you go?

Nice wheels.

- Yeah. You like it?

- Yeah.

Does it seem at all familiar?

Didn't somebody we know

have one of these?

Yeah. Us.

Maybe this'll help.

Yeah. I remember.

- So what's your deal anyway?

- My deal.

I mean, sometimes you have

these moments of lucidity,

but then other times

it's just not so much normal.

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