Surviving Christmas Page #5

I don't understand, I mean,

I don't wanna be alone on Christmas.

You've never been alone.

On Christmas, it's not like

being alone. It's alone alone.

This wouldn't be

one of those lucid moments.

- I wasn't going for that.

- Okay, I see.

All right, little Miss Grinch.

I know you're a sophisticated,

modern woman

that's very jaded and nothing

gets to you, and you have no emotions.

But I'd be willing to bet

that even you,

before you got old...

...- er than you are now,

but still as young, attractive,

smart and beautiful...

That's better.

I don't know, like,

some moment in your childhood

before everything got complicated,

when you were happy.

You must have some moment in your life

that you'd like to go back and relive.

Yeah.

Once,

I was, like, nine years old

and we had just had

this ice storm.

I was walking home from school

through Bishop Park.

You know that one big oak tree

in the middle?

It was completely frozen.

All the branches were icicles.

It was just...

It was incredible.

It completely stopped me

in my tracks.

I remember standing underneath it

pretending that I was a princess

in a magical crystal palace.

It was really...

It was beautiful.

Hey, would you come outside

with me for one second?

- I wanna show you something.

- Okay.

- Where are you taking me?

- Hold on, one second.

- You trust me?

- Uh, no. Not necessarily.

Okay. Try to trust me,

I wanna blindfold you.

- It's a surprise.

- Okay.

- All right?

- All right.

- Oh, God.

- All right. Follow me.

I feel that this is gonna end with

"and she was never heard from again. "

- Step, step, step.

- Okay.

- Right there. Stop.

- Okay.

- Turn this way. Okay?

- All right.

All right.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe you did this.

Wait till you see this.

Hit it, guys.

Hut, hut, hut...

You see that?

That's you right there.

I know this props guy.

He owns a prop house with figurines,

and he painted your hair like that,

your mouth.

- Those guys aren't pros.

- I'm sure.

- I showed them the thing.

- Oh, wow.

I got this dance teacher.

It's not easy to get a camel.

It's not easy taking a very

personal and private moment

that I have never told anybody

and turning it into a theme park.

We wish you a Merry Christmas

Shut up!

Ah...

But I'm not disappointed.

Okay? I'm not mad.

I'm just mad at myself for thinking that

there was more to you than I thought.

- That's you.

- It's a wrap.

Hut, hut, hut.

Alicia? Wait a second!

I care about you.

I did that because I care about you.

Look, Drew,

let me just give you some advice.

Save your big, expensive gestures

for some girl

who's impressed by them,

And when you find her,

hold on to her.

Otherwise, you are looking at

a lifetime of lonely Christmases.

I'm telling you, he is wonderful.

It's Cartier.

At least he's got manners.

Well, I mean,

he's in the neighborhood.

- He is?

- Darling.

- What?

- It's a day bracelet.

- Do you like it, darling?

- I love it.

You're the expert on jewelry.

- Are you disagreeing?

- Absolutely not.

She just got a present.

Why pick at her now?

I'm not.

Brian, tell Drew

that I had to take off.

There was a...

Holy cow.

What are you looking at?

This is just, it's research.

When I was young,

we didn't sit in our rooms

drooling over nude ladies

on computers.

No, sir.

We had to go behind the barn

with the dirty girl

and pay her a quarter so she

could show us her goodies.

How does this work?

Oh, well. Here, let me...

What are you into?

Hot Cheerleaders,

- Three-Way Fun.

- Uh-uh.

- Middle-Aged Hotties.

- You're talkin' my language.

Old enough to know how it's done,

young enough to still want to do it.

- That's gross.

- Ooh.

Come to papa.

That's not bad, right?

Dude, it's your mom!

Oh, my God.

Hey, can you print that for me?

Mom, Dad, listen.

Please, Drew has to go tonight.

I cannot spend one more second

in this house with him.

- Well, yeah?

- Yeah? So what?

So he's making fools of us!

- Of all of us!

- Alicia?

All right, look,

I'm gonna take the car,

and when I get home,

I really hope he's gone.

- Alicia.

- Be careful with the car.

Can't we talk about this?

No.

- What the hell happened?

- Nothing.

I think she's right. It's stupid.

This is a mistake.

I've imposed on you folks

and I'm sorry.

I'll write you a check.

I'll spend Christmas...

I'll spend Christmas somewhere.

No. We don't want your money.

In cash.

Check'll be just fine.

I'll get you a pen.

- What's wrong with you?

- Hello?

- "Merry Christmas to you too. "

- Missy!

The bracelet is amazing, Drew.

Thank you.

I'm kind of in the middle

of something right now.

- How'd you know my favorite is Cartier?

- Lucky guess. How did you find me?

I talked to your secretary and she said

you were with your family.

Oh, Drew!

I am so happy for you.

And for us.

- For us?

- "I know what this means,"

reaching out to your family.

You want to be

more serious about yourself,

and more serious about me.

I wanna meet your family, Drew.

I'm sure you will,

and they wanna meet you one day.

Oh, great.

Then we can go to Fiji.

How about tomorrow?

Fiji? Tomorrow?

You're kidding.

That's fabulous, actually.

That's perfect.

Then tonight we can spend Christmas Eve

together with our families.

Ah...

That's gonna be hard

to pull off, you know?

It's very short notice, and we...

One of the family members

is challenged, and...

...requires

a lot of time to put on

- the proper headgear...

- Oh. No problem.

We're here.

- You're here?

- Look outside!

Oh, my God!

You're here?!

I mean, oh, my gosh!

You're totally here!

My girlfriend's family is here!

You have to help me!

Pretend for a couple hours!

We'll leave by midnight.

I'm begging you!

Read paragraph three.

You bailed, it's done.

- You write the check and get out!

- What? No! Wait a minute!

Okay, look, I wanna go!

I'm dying to go!

I gotta have a life to go back to!

This girl is it!

I can't tell her I rented a family.

I'm sure she already knows

you're crazy.

- It kinda shows.

- A deal's a deal. That's it.

- Unless you sweeten the pot.

- That's extortion, Tom!

- I think I hear the doorbell.

- No! No, no! Wait!

No, no! I'll give you

another 75 grand. Okay?

But you gotta do it good,

you gotta try.

Or else I'll be so mad

at you guys!

Come on.

- I'm not wearin' the hat.

- Fine! Sure!

- Missy!

- Hey, Drew.

Mrs. Vangilder. Captain.

Come on in.

Merry Christmas.

Honey. Merry Christmas.

Welcome to my childhood home.

Come on in.

- Hi.

- Hello.

I'm Drew's father,

and this is his mother.

- Christine.

- Mom.

Letitia. Horace.

And he's our son.

There's no doubt about that.

That's for sure.

Oh!

I would love to see pictures of Drew

when he was small.

Oh, we're not gonna bore everyone,

that's embarrassing.

Good idea.

Bath time for baby.

Oh.

- Thanks, Mom.

- Look at him.

Drew, are you sure that's you?

Oh, that's me all right.

I remember it well.

That was in autumn

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