Surviving Christmas Page #6

and the photographer...

No, I don't think so.

There's no little dingle.

- Nope.

- No.

Yes. It's there, but it's not...

You can't see it, because it was

so long that Mom had to tuck it back

when she gave me a bath.

It got tangled.

- You remember, Mom.

- Yeah, yeah.

From the moment he was born, it was...

- ... freakishly long.

- Right. Yes.

I'll get it.

No, no, no!

I'll get it, son.

You stay right there.

Thanks, Dad.

- So, here we are.

- Yeah.

So are we keeping you folks

from dinner plans, or...

No, we don't have any plans.

We couldn't possibly impose.

We just got here.

Oh, okay.

Who was that, Dad?

Doo-Dah.

Doo-Dah.

Doo-Dah's my grandpa.

- He'll tell us stories...

- I wanna meet him.

...about the 1800s.

I know you do.

We don't usually

leave him outside.

We usually let him in, Dad.

- Let's talk, son.

- Okay.

- Don't go anywhere.

- Okay.

This guy says he's Doo-Dah's understudy.

- He's not white.

- That's fine, just let him in.

They don't know he's not right.

- They don't know him!

- Want me to let him in?

- Fine!

- Please, Tom.

This is my grandfather, Doo-Dah.

Here he is.

Sweet Jim Jiminy,

cold corn in the mornin'!

Ooh. Who are you?

I'm Saul's understudy.

I just came to help out.

"Feliz navidad. "

- Is he black?

- Yep.

I can't do it.

I cannot do it.

My family's this close to 350.

You're not gonna weasel out now!

Put some maple syrup

on the ham.

- Drew?

- Huh?

Ah! Ah!

I'm sorry!

Oh, Jesus!

I'm sorry.

I know I'm not supposed to be here.

I'm gonna leave right away.

I don't want to cause problems.

- Drew, listen.

- I'm in a bit of a jam now.

- Drew, Drew, wait.

- What? Yes?

I came back here because

I wanted to apologize to you.

Yes, the thing in the park

was a bit garish and obnoxious,

but that's you.

Not that you're garish and obnoxious,

it's just that you

do things in a big way.

Yes, I do, I do.

And I'm touched.

- Thank you. That means...

- And thank you.

You smell like fear.

- There have been some developments...

- I have a gift for you.

- I'll be right back.

- Okay.

No! Hi!

Hi, honey.

Your mom sent me in here

to get a cheeseball.

- What's that?

- This is a cheeseball.

Let's play a game where you don't

come back till they eat the whole thing.

This is great.

Your family isn't what I expected.

I'm glad you wanted to introduce me.

- It's all I ever wanted.

- Me too.

- Thank you so much.

- Okay. All right.

Yes. I know.

I love you. Okay.

- Fiji's gonna be great.

- It will be great. Fiji time!

That's what this was about?

You put us through this for a girl?

No, no, no.

Just...

- Can I open my present now?

- Sure.

I thought this was because

you had a painful childhood.

I'm sorry. You said you

never wanted to see me,

so I accepted that.

I was broken up with her, but she

showed up and wanted to meet my family.

I couldn't tell them

it was a rented family.

I know you hate me. I hate me.

I hate my own guts.

I know this is horrible,

but would you just please,

could you help me,

so I can get through this?

You'll never see me again.

Just take a ride for an hour.

Your parents will call you

when it's clear.

Drew,

your dad wants more salami!

They're playing along?

Your parents, they're crazy.

They think it's fun.

I'm sorry.

Okay? I gotta go.

I'll see you.

I miss you. Thank you.

You're welcome. See ya.

They think it's fun, huh?

Maybe they're right.

Your tree, Christine, it's so colorful.

You know, it reminds me of Mexico.

Not the better hotels, but the colors

of the simple people.

It's so bright and vulgar.

Mom! Dad! I'm home!

Alicia, you're back.

You're back, Alicia.

Oh, you're back.

This is our daughter, Alicia.

This is Mrs. Vangilder.

Please. Letitia.

I'm so pleased to meet you. Really.

And this is our little Missy.

Oh, Missy, Missy.

Oh, gosh. I've just heard

so much about you from Drew.

God, you're gorgeous.

And you are so not fat.

Drew! What's the matter with you?

I'm sorry?

- Drew, I'm not fat.

- No.

- I was just thinking that.

- You must be Mr. Vangilder.

- I would never say that.

- Don't mind us.

We're a bunch of kidders.

I like the family.

Oh, well, you obviously

haven't met Brian.

By the way, where is Brian?

Here.

Your mom's startin' to like

your grandfather hittin' on her.

There's one you don't often hear

on Christmas Eve.

It's unbelievable.

Poor thing. Poor thing.

- Excuse me.

- It's true.

What's happening over here?

What's going on?

- I'm learning so much from your sister.

- Oh, you are. Great.

I didn't know you were

a baton twirler.

Yeah. Gave away the big secret,

I guess, didn't you?

Oh, not the big one,

so don't push me.

Let's go talk to Doo-Dah.

He's telling stor...

I want you to see

the bracelet Drew got me.

Ooh, Cartier, huh?

Wow. Look at that.

That's just beautiful.

Well, that's my brother.

Just never afraid to put

a price tag on his feelings.

Yeah. That's my sister.

Never understanding there's love,

you can care and

want to show it in a big way,

and you shouldn't be put down

and mocked, and made hurt feelings.

When you love somebody,

you don't have to show it in a big way.

So you were slumming when you

were making out with me in the kitchen?

It's a very, very affectionate family.

- We show our love.

- Italians.

We're just very warm.

Red hot, even.

All right, that's it.

Give me this. Get up.

- Sit down!

- Okay!

Who wants a tour of the house?

What you're using are stairs.

We like these for going up.

This is the bathroom.

- What are you doing to me?

- What?

- You're killing me.

- No, I'm just playing along, brother.

I think Missy likes me.

She thinks I'm funny.

This was little Drew's room.

Now, it's Brian's.

Aw.

Brian, don't be rude.

We have guests.

He'd live in front of the screen

if we'd let him right, Tom?

It's that insatiable appetite

for knowledge.

Oh, sh*t!

Brian, what have you done?!

- Tom, I don't know what that is.

- I do.

It's my wife shooting a "V"

for victory with her legs.

It's been a while,

but that's what it looks like.

- Honestly.

- That's my little girl.

- Horace, get our coats.

- What's going on?

You have no idea.

Missy, get your coat!

- There's ham!

- We're not going.

- We'll stay.

- Lighten up.

It's just a picture.

I had pictures taken for fun.

Where would you get

that stupid idea?!

Coats! Someone say coats?

Get the coats. Gotta get coats.

Oh.

Some things cannot be unseen.

Brian? Brian?

Great.

Just great, Christine.

I'll be at the Travel Lodge.

- Merry Christmas.

- Mom? Mom?

- Oh, dear God.

- Wait a minute!

There's more of Mom's buffet.

If you think we're staying

after that display, think again.

Trollops who

pose for dirty pictures,

various incestuous overtones

and old, unexplained men.

This is without a doubt

the worst Christmas I've...

Oh, shut up, Letitia!

What?

I'll tell you what. I've put up with

your high and mighty act for 25 years,

but they don't have to.

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