Svengali Page #9

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F***ing sling your hook!

(SIGHS)

You've really f***ed it up this time,

haven't you, Dix?

Yeah, I lost it all, mate.

No, you still got the band though.

No. I don't care about the band.

It all seems so pointless

without Shell, you know.

(LAUGHING) F*** me.

You really love that girl, don't you?

More than anything.

That Tash tried to get off with me tonight.

Wouldn't be the first time, mate.

Mind you, you were always good

with the ladies, weren't you?

Remember Dawn? Hayley?

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, and Shell.

HORSEY:
F*** me, Dix!

You got a God Save The Queen A&M here.

Yeah.

That's Bowie. Space Oddity.

When did you get that?

Four or five years ago now.

Oh, my God. Can I play this?

Yeah. That's what they're there for.

Whack it on.

(GROOVY SONG PLAYING)

I love this track!

(LAUGHING)

Come here, mate. Dancing.

Oh, life's good!

F***!

(SIGHS)

Dix?

How do you know?

Know what?

How do you know about

the bands and stuff?

I don't know.

Michelle reckons I got golden ears.

(CHUCKLES) Golden ears?

Yeah. You got big f***ing teeth,

I know that much.

Sell 'em to me.

What, the records?

Yeah, yeah. Sell 'em to me.

All right. Five grand, you can have 'em.

(LAUGHS)

Five grand? Yeah. Yeah, they're worth

much more than that, Dix.

I don't care. You can have 'em.

I just wanna go home.

You can sleep on the kitchen floor.

There's some coats in the cupboard. Okay?

Have you got a change of clothes

for me for tomorrow?

Well, haven't you?

I just got a dirty T-shirt I brought.

Well, f***ing wear it then. F***...

- Thanks for last night. Nice one.

- Right. Yeah.

If you do come back to Wales,

give us a shout, yeah?

I would rather eat my own arse with a spoon.

(SNIFFLING)

(TURNS ON TV)

REPORTER:

I'm looking forward to this bit, Hel.

Please welcome Jake, Tommy, Scott

and Macca from the Prems!

(ALL CHEERING)

- How are you?

-How are you?

Very good.

F***.

(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)

IRISH PIERRE:
I know you like

your Chas and Dave

but I'll tell you what,

that Lionel Bart, he was a genius.

TEDDY:
Raving iron though, Irish Pierre.

Oh, yeah? West Ham?

West Ham.

Iron hoof. Poof.

Teddy, Teddy, Teddy.

This is the 21st century, mate.

You can't talk like that any more.

Anyway, you Cockneys love

a bit of that, don't ya?

Ronnie and Reggie Kray,

they were a bit light in the loafer.

Yeah. Don't you start having

a go at the Krays.

At least when I was about,

you could leave your doors open.

Your back doors?

Hey up. Here comes Lily of the Valley.

You got that four bags of sand, Dixie?

- What d'you mean?

- Four grand.

Oh, yeah.

The boss is gonna be very pleased with you.

It's all there. You can count it.

TEDDY:
We trust you, son.

Go on, f*** off.

IRISH PIERRE:
Actually, weren't you

one of Jack the Cap's boys?

TEDDY:
Go on. F*** Off.

MOTOWN:
Dixie!

Oh, Jesus! You're not Dimitri, are you?

Do I look like Dimitri? Don't you run!

Someone wants to see you.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

There's no f***ing end to this.

- Oh, it's you, Alan.

- ALAN:
You look shite.

What's going on with you?

I'm in a mess, mate.

I've lost my flat, I've lost my records,

I've lost my money, I've lost my girl.

Look, stop worrying about the girl, Dixie.

It's like, the girl will come back.

But what you've got to do

is get yourself to Sorted Records.

These people want

to sign your f***ing band.

The Prems are gonna be massive.

You're trending on Twitter.

I thought you'd f***ing died.

What did Sorted say?

If you get your arse down

to that record company,

they will sign you.

You were supposed

to be there half an hour ago.

It's half past 12:00 now?

Jesus, I'm late then, aren't I?

Yeah, it's the first rule of rock and roll.

It won't go against you.

Now f***ing get down there.

Thanks, Alan. I love you.

Can you lend me 20 quid?

F*** off!

(BEEPING)

Dicko! As I live and breathe.

Oh, Mr Burns, nice to meet you. You okay?

Call me Burnsy, man.

Can I get you a drink or anything?

Yeah, can I have a nice cup of tea?

Anything stronger?

No, I'm all right.

Cup of tea.

Sassafras, chamomile, Earl Gay?

No, no. No biscuits. Just tea is good.

(MOBILE RINGING)

What?

FRANCINE:
You got

the sheep-shagger with you?

Yeah, he's stood right next to me.

Come on in then.

All right. Ciao, ciao.

Hello, Mrs Hardy. I'm Dixie.

I'm not Mrs Hardy, I'm just Francine.

And you don't mind me calling you

"the sheep-shagger," do you?

No, that's fine.

I've been called that all my life.

Right, good,

that's the niceties over with.

Okay, here's where I'm at, Dixie.

I know you've got other people

sniffing around you.

I don't want to know where.

The question is, do you want

to get into bed with me

and make beautiful music or not?

Can I ask you what you're offering?

I'm offering half a mill

up front for five albums.

Plus, I will break your band in every

known territory on Earth.

Hmm? How about that, big boy?

And what about publishing?

I'll give you half the publishing

straight away, Dixie.

Okay, it's very, very simple, Dixie. Yeah?

Do I make you wet?

Do Sorted Records tickle your fancy?

Do you get a wee tingling sensation

in your big hairy balls

at the thought of us

putting your music out, hmm?

Seven fifty. Four albums, not five.

And 60-40 publishing, to us.

(SCOFFS)

Ooh.

You're not quite the wee dafty

you pretend to be, are you?

Dixie, you do realise that

if I agree to these terms,

this will be the best deal that

a newly signed band has ever had?

I do.

Okay, Burnsy.

- Yes, Francine.

- Get the contract changed.

He can take it with him when he leaves.

Will do, Francine.

They're up and signed already?

Oh, aye. It's been signed

in my menstrual blood.

Boys. Boys, you're not gonna believe

what's happened.

- No, listen to me. No, listen to me.

- Dix, man, hang on. Just hang on.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!

Just calm down.

- What?

- You need to speak to Tommy.

- Tommy.

- Where's Jake?

- Tommy!

- Dix.

- Tommy, what's going on, mate?

- Dix, it's over, mate.

What do you mean it's over?

Are you really this stupid?

He's not stupid. Don't call him stupid.

- Yes, he is. I should be managing you.

- He's not f***ing stupid.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Just somebody tell me what's going on here.

Well, we're together, aren't we?

Where's Jake?

Well, it all kind of kicked off after Soccer AM,

and he jumped out the limo at King's Cross.

Oh, boys! Man, I left you alone

for one night, that's all!

Yeah, well, a lot can happen

in one night, can't it? (CHUCKLES)

Where is he now?

Gone back to Scotland.

(DIXIE PANTING)

Right, now you three listen to me, all right?

TABBY:
Who the f*** are you talking...

Shut up, you! Just shut up, all right?

Tommy. Tommy, look at me.

He loved you. And you.

The three of you, meet me tomorrow,

all right, in the pub, 5:00.

And leave her here.

Where are you off to?

I'm going to Scotland to get Jake.

Hiya, Mick. Hi, Carol.

This is a message for Shell.

Hi, Shell. It's me, it is, love.

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