Table 58

Hey, guys! How about a hand?

All... your... fault.

New kid. Aw. Filled with hope.

Lights, camera... You!

Good morning, Milton Middle School!

Principal Friday here with

today's rundown-fundown!

Football game tomorrow,

which means pep rally today!

Go, interrupting cows!

Can I get a...

...moo-moo? Moo-moo!

Our mathletes will be heading

into their first academic

decathlon of the year.

Moo, four, six, eight!

Who do we moo-ppreciate?

Moo!

- Moo!

- And last thing, cowpokes.

We've been getting reports

of poison oak on the quad.

So, please, stay away or

you'll be covered in...

cow-lamine lotion.

As always, I will be signing off

with a little bonus humor.

What did one marine...

biologist waiter say to the other

marine biologist waiter?

Uh, I don't know, Principal Friday.

What did one marine biologist waiter say

to the other marine biologist waiter?

We all serve a... "porpoise. "

Because it sounds like "purpose. "

That's comedy gold.

Don't touch that.

Coach Peterson!

Oh, gah! Darn shoelaces.

What is it?

Who has four thumbs

and is your new starting quarterback?

Huh?

Oh. You're counting the

thumbs in the picture.

Ah, yes, I am. Logan Davis, new transfer.

I'd like to try out for the team.

I'd like a magic straw that

keeps me from gaining weight

each time they roll out

those minty green milkshakes.

I'm taking that as a "yes. "

- Uh-uh.

- Wha-uh?

The interrupting cows

are on a winning streak.

I haven't changed my lucky

underwear in five games.

You think I'm about to change my starters?

Oh... okay.

Well, think about it.

Thanks for your help, Dullbert.

I can't believe I dropped my favorite

pocket protector in the trash.

If we can't protect our pockets,

we're lost as a culture.

That bell you just heard...

cannot be un-rung.

Anyone caught loitering...

gets detention!

Wow. Looks great.

At my old school, you couldn't tell

where the plastic tray ended

or where the food began.

Did I ask you?

...is what I would say,

if I were in a bad mood.

Which I'm not.

Thank you, power yoga.

Namaste.

Maintenance! Light bulb's out!

Do your job and fix it.

Hey! Choir kids, loving that harmony.

Thank you.

"Collect ten for a free wedgie"?

- What is this?

- A punch card.

Nine more to go.

Whoa. Weird, am I right?

Anyway...

Uh, looking forward to sharing the gridiron

with you guys, this year.

Knuckles, pound it!

We've got our team. So the only person

you'll be playing football with, is Nana,

because she's slow and old

and smells like yeast.

But she's still a good Nana, so...

Stay away from Nana!

But I...

Get it together, maintenance!

Looking sharp, band kids!

Hey, I'm Logan Davis.

- Logan Davis?

- Yes?

It's called a "selfie,"

not a "self-and-some-rando-fie. "

Bebe Whitman. It's your pleasure, I'm sure.

Olive Dimitri.

Hobbies:
Rock collecting,

homework, and winning.

I put homework in the middle

so I can keep my eye on it.

Okay. What's your name?

Were my eyes open?

Cool! I slept with my eyes open!

Those who dare speak to

me call me "Dullbert. "

Boy. Hate to run into you

in a dark alley at night

or anywhere ever.

Past or future.

The crane is a symbol of

happiness, luck and peace.

Here, new friend.

Saw you trying to weasel

your way into Table One.

I wasn't weaseling. Pierce

Brown and Portia Lee.

They're all a bunch of snobs.

They call themselves "The Royals. "

Take their name out of

your filthy mouth, Jane!

The Royals are wonderful,

popular young adults.

They're always nominated for king and queen

on the royal court.

And let's thank our last

year's king and queen!

And this year's spring queen is...

once again, Portia Lee!

Aw!

Okay. Moving on. Our spring king is...

Shocker alert!

Pierce Brown!

Get up here, Pierce!

Where...

All right. Okay.

We haven't seen the former king since.

Rumor is he ran away

and lives in an abandoned food truck.

What's the big deal about

what table you're at?

It's just lunch.

Oh, boy.

And Chanel Number Five

is just toilet water.

Who you sit with determines who you are.

Yeah, look at Table Four, French club.

They're way different from Table 4a.

French-Canadian club.

And no one ever sits outside their group.

Under penalty of death.

I just met you, but I'm betting

you're one of those people

who rooted for Voldemort.

Team Slytherin.

So, if everyone stays with their group,

how'd you guys end up together?

It was not a choice left to our choosing.

Bottom of the barrel.

Us.

True. Table 58 is slightly better

than eating alone in the bathroom.

Never mind.

It's the same.

Oh, well, I belong at Table One.

I was Q.B. at my old school.

They called me "Logan, the Laser. "

Because you had corrective eye surgery?

Because I could throw a

pass with pinpoint precision.

Sorry. Don't follow water polo.

I believe Logan is speaking

of that inane sporting event

where synaptically-challenged

alphas transform

a dirty lawn into a concussion factory.

Yeah, football. It's awesome.

It's you and your teammates

acting as one unit,

fighting against the opposing team,

trying to move a ball up and...

down a dirty lawn.

Let me try that again.

Nice to meet you guys.

Royals first.

Ziggy McCallister, leader of the Meanies.

The only bully at Milton

with a rewards program.

I'm three away from winning a tote bag!

Ah! Lunch Lady Sneed?

Why did you order green hands?

I said, "I wanted lean hams. "

I have no use for these.

Okay, well, I will not have waste

at my school, Lunch Lady Sneed,

so find a use.

Everything serves a porpoise.

Makes some lame joke,

and suddenly, my day is ruined.

Heard that!

Hey, all of you have study

hall this period, too?

Occupied.

Greetings, Table 3.14.

I have procured this area so

that we mathletes may study

as a single hive mind.

Uncool. What was that about?

It's nothing. Just a

bit of mental horseplay

before the big competition.

How about the truth? What happened?

If you must know, the nerds are unhappy

with my performance at the

last academic decathlon.

Oh, you lost.

Olive Dimitri never loses!

I brought the team to victory.

I solved the final equation on my own.

I was called "The Argyle Einstein. "

Cool... I think.

Not so much. It seems that jealousy,

unlike a compounding integer,

has no limits.

Which is why you're at Table 58.

They rejected me like a baboon heart.

So who needs them?

Just form your own mathlete team.

And perhaps, you can form

your own football team.

Point taken.

No. I must prevail

and get back into the metaphorical fold.

Without academic decathlons, I...

Well, simply put, I...

I'd have no porpoise.

Like me and football.

Royals aside, I belong on that field.

It's just who I am.

I've got to make the team.

Coach Peterson, glad I found you.

I'm trying out for the team.

Told you, Thumbs. We got our team.

Coach Peterson!

Go long.

I'll go long.

The Laser never misses.

Now, normally, when people throw

garbage at me, in public, I divorce them.

But I've got to admit...

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