Tadpole

Snap out of it, Grubber.

Miranda Spear, one o'clock.

- Hey, Oscar.

- Hi, Miranda.

- What are you reading?

- Voltaire.

You see, Oscar and I

were just debating on...

Voltaire? Really?

That's so cool.

My friends are waiting,

so... see you after break.

Sure.

All right.

I'll see you, Miranda.

Oh, my God,

she's totally hot for you.

She's got friends.

You're hooking me up.

I'm not asking her out.

What? Why not? She's perfect.

Did you see her hands?

I... I wasn't looking

at her hands.

Experience, wit, intellect...

all revealed by the hands.

- Does she have fat hands?

- She had hands like a...

Like a steel worker?

She had hands like a...

child.

I worry about you.

Oscar I really do

Why, because I'm interested

in more than websites?

Because you're

fetishizing hands.

I wouldn't call it a fetish.

You find reasons

not to like things.

- That's not true. Like what?

- Like Miranda Spear.

Like simple explanations.

I like things

I don't understand.

You're never gonna get laid

that way.

It's not all about getting laid,

Charlie.

- Yeah, it is.

- No, it isn't.

It is so.

- What about love?

- Yeah. I've heard of it.

It's not like

you're in love with someone.

I knew something was up.

Wow. The Grubber, in love.

Who tho hell is it?

Someone I've known for a while.

Do I know her?

She doesn't even know... yet.

All right.

When do you plan on

telling her?

That's the thing.

I want to find the right time.

Definitely this weekend.

Maybe tonight.

Is she coming over

for Thanksgiving?

She'll be there Why?

I'm coming over for pie.

No, you're not.

You're not invited.

Grubbs.

- Hi, Tadpole.

- Hey, Jimmy.

- Home for Thanksgiving?

- That's right.

- What happened to your hair?

- I combed it.

Well, I don't like it.

- Hi, Oscar.

- Oh, hi, Mrs. Lodder.

Diane, please.

Diane,

have you seen Eve anywhere?

Yeah, she was just here.

Oh, she went

to go get some keys...

so she could get

in the lab tomorrow.

Ca va?

Excuse me.

So, Oscar, can we plan on

seeing you at Columbia?

Leave him alone, Dad.

He's only a sophomore.

It's never too early to think

about college, Daphne...

as it would behoove you

to realize.

Actually, Professor Tisch...

I have given some thought

to Columbia... premed.

Not history?

- Well, l...

- Excuse me!

May I have your attention,

everybody?

I'm sorry to interrupt...

but I'd like to make

a short Thanksgiving toast...

and then invite you all

to commence eating.

First of all

I'd like to apologize to

Native Americans everywhere...

for decimating

their population...

and basically stealing

this country from out...

Stick to antiquities, Stanley.

No, no, no.

I'm a traditionalist...

and far be it from me

to dispense with any excuse...

to eat turkey and pecan pie

And so, to my recently returned

prodigal son.

Hear. Hear

To my distinguished

colleagues...

at the Columbia history

department and their families.

And, uh...

am I leaving anyone out?

Eve.

Yes. Of course

Although not here. She...

Could it be? Could it be?

To my lovely wife Eve

Ohh, I'm so sorry.

She may be the face

I can't forget

A trace of pleasure

or regret

Maybe the treasure

Or the price

I have to pay

She

She

You turn the corner,

then hidden away...

in this small forgotten

backstreet...

is this old, old house...

How's your mom. Oscar?

She still in France?

Yeah.

She went back a while ago

When's the last time

you saw her?

I went back last summer.

I wish I had

an exotic French mother.

There's nothing exotic

about mothers who live

on the Upper East side

Well, they can be exotic

in their own way.

You walk in, and it's a home,

a timeless home. You feel it.

It's hard to put it

into words, but...

My mom brings me back

the stupidest things

That's not what I'm saying.

There was

this lovely fresco that...

- It's very intimate.

- Completely out of context.

Too small or whatever

There was some...

That's cool

You've got. Like

that look. That faraway look

That's cool

I've-been-studying

for-four-days thing

It sounded beautiful.

- What's that?

- The timeless home.

Ohh. Thanks. Ha ha.

I get a little caught up

in the whole... I don't know.

No, no. That's good.

It's good to get caught up...

in the feeling of something,

the aura.

I mean, if everything

could be reduced...

to verbalizable facts...

we wouldn't have any need

for music, would we?

You might have a point there.

Of course I have a point.

The timeless home,

that's like...

the title of some great

lost Puccini operetta.

You're sweet, you know that?

So, how are things

at... at Chauncey?

Not bad

Any girls there?

Sure, there are girls.

Well? Any you like?

Well,

they're mostly pretty dumb.

They can't all be dumb.

It just seems like they haven't

lived that much, you know?

Well, we're talking about

sophomores, right?

Yeah.

Maybe you should

give them a chance, Oscar.

I mean, they might've lived

more than you think.

Sure.

You have high expectations,

don't you, Oscar?

Hey.

- How are you?

- Good.

That's better.

Don't want back problems

before you're forty.

So, how's

the chiropody business?

Chiropody is feet.

Chiropractic?

It's pretty good.

I stare at backs all day.

You can tell a lot

about a person by their back.

I've always thought of my spine

as incredibly personal.

I don't think I could

show my spine to just anyone.

Maybe if you were

in enough pain, you could.

Not even then, maybe.

Throw a couple cubes in there,

would you, Diane?

Sure.

How's that endodontist

of yours?

Great.

I have a wicked crush...

on your stepmother's

best friend.

Oscar.

I know, Professor Sherman.

Isn't it obvious?

What is this?

Voltaire?

Oscar

Voltaire said...

"If God did not exist,

he would have to be invented."

He was a funny guy.

Oscar!

Excuse me.

Professor Tisch

wants to stay and gossip...

about our colleagues

a little longer.

- Will you walk Daphne home?

- Dad, no.

Daphne's been taking the subway

since she was eight.

She's a good-looking girl,

don't you think?

She's all right.

Well, it would be

a nice gesture.

An empty gesture. No, Dad.

I'm fatigued this evening.

I've been on trains, in cars.

I've had two lengthy debates

on Voltaire and Henry Miller...

both of which I won,

incidentally.

I haven't unpacked yet,

got a lot of things to do...

and I'm not gonna stand here...

and argue about it with you,

all right?

Do you wanna go with me

to the Moby concert on Sunday?

Not really.

I don't go in much

for contemporary pop music.

What do you go in for?

You know, regular stuff.

Oscar,

contemporary pop music...

is regular stuff

for a fifteen-year-old.

Voltaire or whatever

is not regular.

- Well, we differ.

- Yeah.

God, you're like

a forty-year-old...

trapped in

a fifteen-year-old's body.

- I mean, it's not a bad body...

- Taxi!

Hold on.

Come on.

I live six blocks from here.

It's cold.

78th and Lex.

I have to wake up early.

You are so weird.

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