Take Me Home Page #2

I'll pay for the ticket.

Just turn us around.

- Six miles to the next exit. You'll

just have to wait. - Stop the car!

Okay.

Meter's running.

Can you wait in the car?

Here's your purse.

I got it.

I got it.

I'm sorry.

We can work something

out if you, um...

You know,

if you don't have enough.

Anyway...

I am sorry.

You're a licensed cabbie?

Don't point that at me.

You have a good record, right?

You're professional?

- Yeah.

- No accidents or tickets?

- None.

- Honestly?

Honestly.

I need an atlas.

- Ready?

- Looks like we just stay on 70.

- 70... West?

- Mm-hmm.

So where we heading?

Encinitas.

Where is that?

Pennsylvania?

Ohio?

California.

Oh, God.

You're serious.

Yeah.

Um, we're not doing that.

- Why not?

- Oh, I don't know.

I got... I got...

other things to do.

I got meetings. I got deadlines.

I'm not just a taxi driver, you know.

I'll pay whatever

the meter says.

The meter would explode trying

to calculate a fare that big.

Then name your price.

We're talking

a lot of money.

Like, buttloads.

- 2,000. - 2,000 gets you

to the Pittsburgh Airport.

You can fly anywhere in the

continental United States.

I don't fly.

3,000.

3,000 is carry the one,

still not enough.

- Four.

- Five.

- Done.

- Six.

- You said five.

- Five, tonight.

A thousand at the

end of each day.

Five days, 5,000.

- Plus accommodations.

- Done.

- And food.

- Fine.

Fine.

So, uh, Encinitas, huh?

Dan, is it?

Claire.

I'm dying up here.

It's this car.

It's depressing.

- You should take better care of it.

- Yeah?

That's funny you mention that.

I was just about to get, uh,

cashmere upholstery in here.

Beautiful.

But then I splurged on gasoline.

Well, I bet you spend

a lot of time in here.

You'd be surprised what a little T.L.C.

could do to brighten your mood.

Yeah, I don't think the

cab's the problem here.

Uh, it wouldn't kill us to get

out every once in a while.

You know, stretch our legs, get a sense

of where we are, how far we've come.

That's what, uh,

road trips are for.

Otherwise, Pennsylvania,

Kansas, Utah,

you know, they're just

names on a map.

Might as well be on

a plane looking down.

There.

Let's stop there.

There you go.

Wait, where?

Okay.

Can you pop the trunk?

Oh.

- Right. Let me...

- What's all this?

Uh, some guy I drove

last night left it.

- Can we get rid of it?

- No! No.

He, uh... He asked me

to hold onto it.

- He called about it, so...

- He must be really lonely.

You ever notice how really lonely

men have huge DVD collections?

Fills the void, I guess.

Ready?

Oh.

How can I lose?

How can I lose?

How can I lose with

the help I've got?

How can I lose?

How can I lose?

How can I lose with

the help I've got?

How can I lose?

Tell me,

how can I lose?

How can I lose with

the help I've got?

How can I lose?

How can I lose?

How can I lose with

the help I've got?

Was it an accident?

- What? - What happened

back in New York.

It's cool with me.

It's cool with me.

I'm just telling you, I don't want to get

dragged into something, you know, as...

As what?

An accomplice.

Come on.

You're driving cross-country

in a taxicab.

Your method of payment happens

to be your husband's checkbook.

And you don't want

your photo taken.

That's curious.

- I killed my husband.

- Shh.

Look, I don't really feel comfortable

telling you my life story.

He found out about the affair.

- What?

- Your husband.

He found out about the...

the bohunk living in Encinitas

we're heading out to see.

Oh, I should've known.

I see it now.

Look, I'm sure this is

a lot of fun for you,

but I don't feel comfortable

telling you my life story.

Then don't.

Less I know, the better.

Are you gonna do

this the whole trip?

You're not gonna talk,

I'm gonna fill in the gaps.

My father's in a hospital in Encinitas.

He had a heart attack.

So if you're not gonna stop talking,

could you at least switch subjects?

Absolutely.

So...

you're married?

- What's that like?

- It's great.

Yeah? I don't think

I could do it.

I think it's unnatural. Did you know

that out of all the mammals on earth,

only a quarter of them

are monogamous?

The rest?

Sleeping around.

Doin' it.

Many of which eat

their own poop.

I just think we have

unrealistic expectations.

Did you know that marriage

was originally conceived

as an agreement between families

for financial gain, security...

And then somewhere along the line, this

whole concept of... of love got stirred in.

But they just don't mix. Marriage

ruins love. Love ruins marriage.

It's awful.

Take George and Wilma

over there.

I bet they were insanely happy,

once upon a time.

And then they got married.

Had kids, went broke.

George was a wonderful plumber,

but a terrible accountant.

Wilma probably blamed him,

thought about leaving him,

but decided to stick it out,

you know?

For the kids.

And now here they are

after all these years...

without a thing to say.

Maybe they're enjoying it.

Sitting with someone

they really know.

Someone who really

knows them.

Not having to say something

witty or insightful.

I like my version better.

Just a little bit.

It's a better story.

For someone who's never been married before,

how'd you get to be such an expert?

- You must've come close

once or twice. - Uh, no.

Um, I, uh, got a degree

in psychoanalysis.

You're a therapist.

And a taxi driver.

- Wow. - Driving is just

something I do on the side.

You know, for fun.

Well, you might want

to change your focus.

You're a much better taxi driver

than you are a therapist.

Oh, baby

You gonna make me drive

Oh, baby

You gonna make me drive

Hey, Dan.

Dan?

Dan?

Dan!

Dan!

- Dan!

- Ah!

Dan!

Aaah!

Oh, God!

Well, that was...

- The alignment seems to be a little...

- Stop the car.

- What?

- Stop the car.

- Why? - You just drove

across four lanes.

- That's because the...

- The what?

- The alignment?

- That's not what I said.

- That is what you said.

- No.

- Pull over. Pull over right now.

- What?

What are you gonna do,

get out and walk?

There. There. Pine Bluff Motel

in five miles. Take me there.

Yes, Ms. Daisy.

Getting a hotel room, I'm writing you a

check, and then you are going the hell away!

Sounds good.

Hmm.

Do you work here?

Sometimes.

Good.

I need one room, please.

Fifty-five, even.

Where's my purse?

Dan, where's my purse?

This purse?

Oh.

I guess it's not on me.

Okay.

Well, I appreciate

you looking. Yes.

I understand.

Okay.

Thank you.

Bye.

It says you have

25 cents left.

Here.

They checked the entire

restaurant, the parking lot...

Nothing.

I had to cancel all

the credit cards.

The good news is they're

gonna send it to my mom's.

So we can just

pick it up in Vegas.

You can blow it all on

blackjack or something.

- If they find it. Or something.

- Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Um...

what did you say

you had on you?

- I didn't.

- Okay.

- Could you check?

- Oh, $83.

Okay.

Credit cards?

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