Tales from the Hood

This is it, loco.

F*** this, man.

I ain't with this sh*t.

- Y'all can have this.

- What?

I just ain't into

this dead people sh*t, all right?

Sh*t, man. That place

does look evil as hell.

Look, man, both y'all need

to shut the f*** up, all right?

We're doin' this sh*t

'cause this here's business, man.

Besides, dead people ain't who

y'all need to be worried about anyway.

Little Moe the f***

y'all need to be worried about.

Now, the sooner we get the sh*t...

the sooner we raise up

outta this motherf***er, man.

Pass the buds, you little b*tch.

Let's roll, brother.

Hey, man, maybe

I need to stay out here...

and watch y'all's back and sh*t

in case something funny go down.

Wait a minute.

You got your gat, man?

Yeah, I got my sh*t.

Well, if a dead motherf***er

come f***in' with you, you kill his ass.

Do you understand me?

Hold on, Bulldog. How am I supposed

to kill something that's already dead?

What?

How am I supposed to kill somethin'

that's already dead?

That's like killing

some sh*t twice, man.

Yeah, like some refried beans

and some sh*t.

I never understood that, man.

Why the f*** you gonna refry some beans?

Why not just fry that sh*t

right the first time and get up?

Both y'all just

shut the f*** up, all right?

Let's just take care of this business

and move on, man.

Sh*t.

F*** this dead people sh*t!

Now, shut up. Ain't nothin'

to be scared of. Understand me?

- Damn!

- What the f***?

I've been waiting for you boys.

- I have some iodine in the lab.

- Hey, man.

I don't need nothin'

from your house of dead folks, okay?

- Besides, I ain't no baby.

- Of course you're not.

- Looked like one when that door opened.

- N*gger, what's up?

Come on, partner.

Got no time for this.

Let's just take care of this business

and move on, man.

Now, where's the sh*t?

The sh*t?

The sh*t that you found.

Oh.

The drugs.

I found a whole stock of them

in the alley.

So where they at?

You got the money?

Yeah, we got the money, old man.

You'll get it

when we get the sh*t.

The sh*t?

The sh*t. Drugs.

You get the drugs,

then I get the money. Okay.

Now, this is all new to me.

I'm not a drug dealer.

I'm a mortician.

The only drugs I know about...

are those that have to do

with the deceased.

Yo, man, what kind of drugs

do dead people be needin'?

All kinds.

We shoot them real good

with embalming fluid, mainly.

You know, it keeps them

from smelling...

and decomposing

before the service.

Cool. So what happened here?

Oh, they say he went crazy.

Death.

It comes

in many strange packages.

I don't need

to be hearin' this, man.

Kill that noise, man.

Let's just get the sh*t.

Don't worry.

You'll get the sh*t.

You'll be knee-deep

in the sh*t.

I've got it hid.

There's so much...

I couldn't even

lift it all myself.

I'll tell you about

old Clarence here along the way.

Unless, of course, you're scared.

They say he was hearing voices...

voices calling his name...

voices from the dead...

calling...

"Clarence!"

Clarence, now this here

is a real quiet neighborhood...

but that doesn't mean

that you can take a break.

'Cause the second

you slack off, boom...

that's just when the sh*t

hits the fan.

- Got it. Stay alert at all times.

- That's right.

Now let's go up and check out

this out-of-place.

Gonna lose your badges over this.

You had no reason to pull me over.

You got a f***in' taillight out.

Shut up and spread

those goddamn legs.

You're not taking

any more cops' badges.

They keep selling drugs in my community,

you can bet I'll keep taking 'em down.

Yeah? Well, we'll see about that.

- Hey, what do we got, fellas?

- No, rookie.

He'll get it. Just back off.

Go on away.

Go run a check on his license plate.

See if the car is stolen.

- It's okay. Go on.

- We got it.

Spread 'em.

Now let me ask you something, huh?

Are you getting off...

on destroying good cops' lives?

You big-mouthed goddamn

son of a b*tch!

- I've got nothing against good cops.

- You what?

I said I've got nothing

against good cops...

but I will see lowlife scum like you

run out of the department.

You shut the f*** up, cocksucker!

Sh*t!

You're f***in' dead, bro.

You f***ed up big time.

Let me have some of this.

Look at me!

- You want him?

- Yeah. Let me teach him a thing or two.

You there, huh?

You inside?

And I promise you...

we won't stop until we get

every single crooked cop in this city.

Neither drugs

nor pretenders of the law...

will be allowed to drain

the life of this community.

Son of a b*tch.

- Hey, what are you guys doing?

- Strom!

- Stop him!

- That's enough, Strom.

- Stop it!

- Not in front of the rookie.

This man is Martin Moorehouse.

I can't believe

I didn't recognize him.

- What the hell is wrong with you?

- Hey, back off! F*** off!

This is no time to be fighting.

We gotta get this guy to a hospital.

That's right.

Let's get him to a hospital.

What? You want some of me?

You're out of line!

You get your ass out of here.

We'll take care of it. Get outta here!

You get back there in the unit.

This is our damn patrol.

Sorry.

Strom, you know

what we have to do.

Damn it! We need to report

those a**holes, Newton.

You listen to me!

And you listen good.

Those a**holes are cops.

Who the f*** are you

to judge 'em?

Sh*t, man, you got a green dick.

Those two guys have been risking

their asses on the street for years.

The f***er went for Strom's gun.

Bullshit.

Now, maybe those two guys

went too far tonight.

Maybe it was all a mistake.

But next time it could be you.

So, you know,

you don't ever roll over...

and you never rat out

a fellow officer.

And you never...

never break the code.

Knock, knock. We're here.

- Hospital?

- Yeah. Come on, boy.

We'll get you all fixed up.

Wanna have a little party? Hmm?

You see, you were right

about one thing.

The cops are dealing drugs

in the sixth precinct.

But you're never gonna

tell about it, are ya?

- Think that's enough?

- Just put 'em in the trunk.

Clarence!

Bring them to me.

Bring them to me!

Clarence, bring them to me.

I will.

Welcome, officers.

For a minute,

I thought you weren't gonna show.

Man, he looks like

fly-covered sh*t.

You look like fly-covered sh*t.

Haven't seen you in a long time.

I've missed ya, pal.

You had the number. You should've

reached out and touched a brother.

You could've told him how to reach out

and touch a brother, Strom.

Now, Clarence...

Clarence Smith... come on.

Come on down from the grave.

Now, let me ask you this, son.

What the f*** did you call us

out here for, huh?

- A celebration.

- No, answer me, boy!

What'd you call us out here for?

- To celebrate.

- What are we celebrating tonight?

Our anniversary.

Our anniversary.

You remember, don't you?

One year ago today.

I fell for your bullshit.

I actually believed...

that Strom and Billy were gonna

take Moorehouse to the hospital.

Shut the f*** up!

You don't get it, do you?

We tried to take him,

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