Team America: World Police

Oh, hello.

Jean Francois?

Jean Francois?

Jean Francois.

You in the robes. Put down

the weapon of mass destruction

and get on the ground.

You're under arrest.

Put down your weapons now!

Why can't they ever do this

the easy way?

World Police.

Get down on the ground!

Hey, terrorist.

Terrorize this.

All right, let's make this interesting.

You lose.

- He's getting away with the WMD!

- I got him.

Damn, I missed him.

Sarah, he's got the bomb.

You got a fix?

I got him, Carson.

He's heading for the Louvre.

Your plans are over.

- All right, Sarah.

- Yeah, all right, team!

Nothing to it.

All right.

Bonjour, everyone. Don't worry.

Everything is bon.

We stopped the terrorists.

I was doing a lot of thinking

on the ride over here.

Oh, yeah? About what?

I was thinking that I want you

to marry me.

- Don't joke about that.

- Who's joking?

Joe to Sarah. Looks like we may

need to order up a wedding cake.

- He finally popped the question?

- Lisa, you're an amazing woman.

And a damn fine cop. And I want

to spend the rest of my life with you.

Oh, Carson. Carson...

Carson!

No!

Carson.

- Feel so cold.

- You have to hang on, Carson.

Sorry, babe. Looks like this

was a one-way ticket.

No.

Lisa, you have to live on.

Find someone else who will love you.

Find someone else and be happy.

You deserve...

No!

No!

No!

Everyone has AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS

Everyone has AIDS

And so this is the end of our story

And everyone is dead from AIDS

It took from me my best friend

My only true pal

My only bright star

He died of AIDS

Well, I'm gonna march on Washington

Lead the fight

And charge the brigades

There's a hero inside of all of us

I'll make them see

Everyone has AIDS

- My father

- AIDS

- My sister

- AIDS

My uncle and my cousin

And her best friend

The gays and the straights

And the whites and the spades

Everyone has AIDS

My grandma and my dog Ole Blue

- AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

- The pope has got it and so do you

Come on, everybody

We got quilting to do

We're gonna break down

These barricades

Everyone has

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS

- Great job, Gary.

- Thanks. You too, Steve.

That was the greatest acting

I've ever seen.

I just don't know how you do it, Gary.

How do you make yourself

so somber and emotional

to make everybody cry like that?

It's not that hard, really. I just think

about the saddest moment in my life.

Man, wow. Gary is such a great guy.

Gary. Oh, no.

Help me! Help me!

Get off of me!

Get this thing off of me! Gary!

Hello, young man. Congratulations

on a terrific performance.

Oh, thank you.

I don't believe we've met, Mr...?

The name is Spottswoode.

- Well, nice to meet you.

- And you are Gary Johnston.

All-American actor who graduated

Iowa University summa cum laude

with a double major in theatre

and world languages.

You've been at the top of every

acting class since you were a child.

Top-gun actor.

Hey, hold on a second,

are you from Hollywood?

I have an incredible offer for you, Gary.

If you're interested, follow me this way.

Please, Gary, step into my car.

Oh, I get it.

I'm supposed to get in your car

and let you put your finger inside me.

Then if I go down on you,

I get a movie part.

No, I just want to show

you something.

- Yeah, I'll bet you do.

- Please, Gary,

I'm not from Hollywood.

I'm not going to f*** your mouth,

and my time is extremely valuable.

- Jesus, this is a nice limo.

- Yes, it is.

Now, suck my cock.

Just kidding.

All right, just what the hell

is this about?

I hate to break this to you, Gary,

but some people out there

want you dead.

- Dead?

- They're called terrorists, Gary.

And they hate everything about you.

Why? What did I do to them?

I'm just a Broadway actor.

It's not who you are, Gary,

it's what you stand for.

And every single minute

of every single day,

the terrorists are planning

new ways to kill you

and everyone else

who lives in a free country.

The only thing standing

in their way is us.

You?

Baxter, I think we can

"valmorphanize" safely now.

Okay, a limousine that can fly.

Now I have seen everything.

Really? Have you seen a man

eat his own head?

- No.

- So then you haven't seen everything.

And neither have we.

Last week in Paris,

we caught four terrorists

with a weapon of mass destruction.

The terrorists are planning

something very big.

And just what does this have

to do with me?

Our only hope is to have somebody

act like a terrorist

who wants to help them

carry out the attack.

An actor convincing enough to make

the terrorists think he's one of them.

This is crazy. I'm an actor, not a spy.

That's all spying is: Acting.

And they say you're the best.

An actor with a double major

in theatre and world languages?

Hell, you're the perfect weapon, Gary.

Look out!

Right this way,

you maverick renegade.

Welcome to Team Base.

Gary, this is Joe, all-star quarterback

from the University of Nebraska.

He's a natural-born leader.

I've heard a lot about your acting,

Mr. Johnston.

- Hope it's as good as they say it is.

- And this is Sarah,

the top empath from Berkeley's

School for the Clairvoyant

in San Francisco.

I sense that you're slightly

confused right now.

That's supposed to be Carson's

replacement, a f***ing actor?

Don't mind Chris.

He may be lacking courtesy,

but he's the best martial-arts expert

Detroit has to offer.

That's right, actor.

Just stay the f*** away from me.

And finally, we have our

psychology expert. Where's Lisa?

Right here.

Gary, this is Lisa. She specializes

in how the terrorists think.

Usually a case of malignant narcissism

brought on during childhood.

We've been doing our best

to keep the world safe, Gary.

But now somebody has supplied

the terrorists with WMDs.

And intelligence tells us

they plan to use them.

Isn't that right,

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?

- That is affirmative.

- I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?

The most sophisticated computer

in the world.

I've intercepted communications

that several terrorist groups

are being organized for one

massive worldwide attack.

From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

Has gathered,

it would be 9/11 times 100.

9/11 times 100?

Jesus, that's...

Yes, 91,100.

Basically, all the worst parts

of the Bible.

So now you see why we need you.

We will disguise you as a terrorist and

take you deep into the Middle East.

If your acting is successful, you'll be

able to get us the information we need

to stop this whole thing

from happening.

Of course, if you're not interested...

...there's the door.

All right. Thanks.

Gary. Hey, hold on a second.

Don't you understand?

Every country in the world is in danger.

How is it my responsibility

to do something?

Because like it or not, you're the one

with the power to do something.

I can't fight terrorists. I don't know

anything about guns or jets.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes