Team America: World Police Page #2

That doesn't matter.

If you wanna help people,

all that matters, Gary,

is what you have here.

Just think about it, okay?

Here, take this.

Baxter will take you wherever

you wanna go. Just remember:

Your freedom's at stake too.

What do you think Spottswoode

sees in him?

I don't know. But I think I see it too.

Hey, Baxter.

I wanna take a detour.

What would you do

If you were asked to give up

Your dreams for freedom?

What would you do

If asked to make

The ultimate sacrifice?

Would you think about

All them people

Who gave up everything they had?

Would you think about

All them war vets

And would you start to feel bad?

Freedom isn't free

It costs folks like you and me

And if we don't all chip in

We'll never pay that bill

Freedom isn't free

No, there's a hefty f***ing fee

And if you don't throw in

Your buck o'five, who will?

Buck o'five

Freedom costs a buck o'five

Our dear leader, Kim Jong II, says

the weapons of mass destruction

you requested are ready

for you to take.

I am still in the process of recruiting

and training new terrorists

for the attack.

We take weapons later.

He asks what part of the deal

you did not understand.

He says perhaps his translator

did not make it clear to you.

He says he should fire

his translator?

Do you have any idea

how f***ing busy I am?

I cannot berieve that I have

a Chechnyan standing here terring me

when he's gonna take a derivery.

Herro?

Perhaps we can be ready sooner.

Yes, perhaps you can.

Now, take your weapons

of mass destruction

and get the f*** out of here.

I had to come back.

- I know you did, son.

- I still say this is a f***ing mistake.

Stop it, Chris. I sense that you're

making him feel intimidated.

Gary, I'm afraid there's no time.

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Tells us

the attack is imminent.

We need you to act like

a Middle Eastern terrorist right away.

There's just one problem.

I don't look Middle Eastern.

Leave that to us.

Sarah's a professional at skin grafting

and laser "valmoriphication. "

Just try to be still.

Amazing.

The valmoriphication

completely worked.

Sit up and take a look, Gary.

It's uncanny.

You're going to fool everyone, Gary.

Or should I say...

...Hakmed.

All right, team, we've only got

one shot at this, so listen up.

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

Has intercepted communications

that terrorists from different countries

are gathering at a tavern here,

- in Cairo.

- Cairo. That's in Egypt.

Exactly right, Joe.

Now, team, your mission will be

to get Gary into that tavern.

And once he's on the inside,

cover his back.

Gary, you must use

your acting to find out

any information you can

from the terrorists.

Gary, if for some reason

your cover is blown

and the terrorists take you prisoner,

well, you'll probably want

to take your own life.

Here, you'd better have this.

All right, team, that's it.

We've got a job to do.

Let's go police the world.

America

America

America

F***, yeah

Coming again to save

The motherfucking day, yeah

America

F***, yeah

Freedom is the only way, yeah

Terrorists, your game is through

'Cause now you have to answer to

America

F***, yeah

So lick my butt

And suck on my balls

America

F***, yeah

What if the old man is wrong

about him, huh?

What if he's not the great actor

Spottswoode says he is?

Why don't you trust actors, Chris?

I got my reasons.

You all right, Gary?

I was just thinking.

On-stage, if I mess up a line,

it could mean a bad review.

If I mess up here,

we're all dead.

I believe you can do this, Gary.

Why? What reason do you

have to believe?

Sometimes believing is all we have.

Fear not, Muslim friends.

We're here to find terrorists.

I'm clearing your minds of all anxiety.

All right, good job, Sarah.

Now, everyone make for the tavern.

Let's get one thing straight, actor.

I don't trust you.

If you betray us, I'll rip your f***ing

balls off and stuff them up your ass

so that the next time you sh*t,

you'll sh*t all over your balls, got it?

- What's your problem with me?

- Yeah, you wanna go?

Guys, guys, guys!

Don't you see this is just

what the terrorists want us to do?

The war is out there, man. Out there.

Now, pull it together.

All right, team, let's move

to the inner city. Keep it quiet.

- Clear.

- Clear.

- Clear.

- Clear.

Gary, you follow me.

The rest of the team,

take super-secret hiding positions

Alpha One.

All right, that's the tavern

with the blue door.

Act your way past those guards

and see what you can find out.

Remember, if you think they're

onto you, give us the signal.

You remember the signal?

That's right. All right, good luck.

Go get them, cowboy.

Oh, sh*t.

Come on, Gary, act.

You have the power.

- All right, Gary!

- Told you he was top gun.

- I've never seen acting that good.

- He's amazing.

Yeah, no, I know.

It's terrible, terrible.

We are Bashir rebels from

the country of Somalia. Who are you?

My name is Hakmed. I'm a terrorist.

Anybody know of any terrorist attacks

coming up soon?

I sense that I'm becoming

attracted to Gary.

My advice is not to get involved

with a team member, Sarah.

It's too painful to see them die.

I'm sorry, Lisa.

I didn't mean to bring up...

It's okay, Sarah.

I treasure your friendship.

I treasure yours, Lisa.

Hey, have you ever thought

of telling Sarah how you feel?

What would a girl like Sarah want

with a simple Nebraska boy like me?

I don't know nothing about fancy cars

and fancy restaurants.

Still, I'd love to show her

a full-moon night on the cornfields.

What do you know?

I heard there might be

a large terrorist attack.

If you tell me what it is,

maybe I could help out.

Get out of here. We have put out

a jihad on the infidels

because they destroyed our lives.

What do you know

about pain and sadness?

Gary. Help me! Help me!

Get him off!

Get this thing off of me! Gary!

I was just a boy when the infidels

came to my village

in their Black Hawk helicopters.

The infidels fired at the oil fields

and they lit up like the eyes of Allah.

Burning oil rained down from the sky

and cooked everything it touched.

I could only hide myself and cry

as my goats were consumed

by the fiery, black liquid death.

In the midst of the chaos,

I could swear that I heard my goats

screaming for help.

As quickly as they had come,

the infidels were gone.

It was on that day

I put a jihad on them.

And if you don't believe it,

then you better kill me now,

because I'll put a jihad on you too.

I like you. You have balls.

I like balls.

All right, listen carefully.

The WMDs are located

in a secret bunker 20 yards east

of this building.

You can help us by guarding it

and making...

Come. They're onto us!

Hurry, friend.

We must make our escape.

Sh*t. I've got five terrorists going

southeast on Baka laka daka Street.

Don't let them get away.

I sense Gary's trapped

inside the tavern.

Copy, Sarah. You get Gary,

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