Team America: World Police Page #3

we'll go after the terrorists.

America

America

F***, yeah

Coming again to save

The motherfucking day, yeah

America

F***, yeah

Freedom is the only way, yeah

It's the dream that we all share

It's the hope for tomorrow

Go faster, you idiot.

Die! Infidels!

- They're not stopping.

- They had their chance.

Missed. Wide right.

One of the terrorists is trying

to tell us something.

It's me. It's me.

Looks like he's saying,

"Kiss me. Kiss me. "

Smartass motherf***er.

- Gary?

- An infidel.

Kill her.

Gary?

- Sarah to Team America Four.

- What you got, Sarah?

Gary isn't in the tavern.

I think he may be with...

- Say again. You're breaking up.

- Joe, do you copy?

- I'll get him.

- Lisa?

I lost her.

It's all right. We'll kill these guys,

then we'll find out what she wants.

Right.

Hey, guys, I think

we should pull over.

Pull over? Yes, of course.

Pull over, let them pass us, and when

they turn around, we charge them.

I love your balls.

Sh*t, they got by me.

- What are we doing?

- This jeep is filled with explosives.

We're going to take their lives

and our own.

We're gonna what?

- Hang on, Joe.

- Die, infidels.

Surprise, cockfags!

All right. We f***ing did it.

Spottswoode, it's Lisa. Gary found the

WMDs and the terrorists are down.

Great job, team. Head back to base

for debriefing and cocktails.

This is breaking news

with Peter Jennings.

Team America has once again

pissed off the entire world

after blowing up half of Cairo.

And now some Hollywood celebrities

are lashing out.

Alec Baldwin is head

of the Film Actors Guild.

The Film Actors Guild believes

that what the world needs

is compassion, not violence.

All that Team America

does is create new enemies.

Let me explain to you

how this works.

You see, the corporations

finance Team America.

And then Team America goes out,

and the corporations sit there in their...

In their corporation buildings,

and, see, they're all corporation-y,

and they make money.

Last year I went to Iraq.

Before Team America showed up,

it was a happy place.

They had flowery meadows

and rainbow skies

and rivers made of chocolate,

where the children danced

and laughed and played

with gumdrop smiles.

The actors are calling

for an emergency meeting.

Already expected to attend

are Helen Hunt,

George Clooney, Liv Tyler,

Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon,

Janeane Garofalo

and Matt Damon.

Matt Damon.

In the meantime, the world wants

to deal with dangerous individuals

their own way.

Hans Brix? Oh, no.

Oh, herro,

great to see you again, Hans.

Mr. II, I was supposed to be allowed

to inspect your palace today,

and your guards won't let me into

certain areas.

Hans, Hans, Hans. We've been

through this a dozen times.

I don't have any weapons

of mass destruction, okay, Hans?

Then let me look around so I can

ease the U.N.'s collective mind.

Hans, you're breaking my barrs here.

Hans, you're breaking my barrs.

I'm sorry, but the U.N. Must be

firm with you.

Let me see your whole palace

or else.

Or else what?

Or else we will be very,

very angry with you.

And we will write you a letter

telling you how angry we are.

Okay, I'll show you, Hans.

You ready?

Stand a rittle to your reft.

A rittle more.

Good.

There you go, Hans Brix.

How you rike that,

you f***ing cocksucker?

Do you have any idea

how f***ing busy I am, Hans Brix?

Well, f*** you.

You want inspection?

Well, inspect that,

you buttfucking piece of sh*t.

What, you think I'm just

a petty arms dearer?

I'm pranning the attack.

Congraturations, Team America,

you have stopped nothing.

Congratulations, Gary.

You've done an amazing thing.

It will be years before the terrorists

have the resources to attack again.

We're gonna be unstoppable

with you on the team, Gary.

Terrorists, your game is through.

You're the best, Gary.

So this terrorist is shooting at us

from the back of his jeep, and he...

You might have all the others fooled,

but not me.

Your acting was reckless

and it put us all in danger.

The next time you pull a stunt like that,

I'll drill two holes through your dick

so that when you pee, it shoots out

in all different directions. You got it?

Hey, Sarah, do you mind

if I dance with you?

No, of course not, Joe.

Joe, do you think it's okay

for team members to date?

Sarah, really?

Yeah. Do you think it's all right?

I think it's better than all right.

It's great!

Oh, good. I'm so glad you think so.

Gary? You okay?

I was just wondering if I can let go

of an old, painful memory.

Is it anything

that you wanna talk about?

When I was a kid, I always looked up

to my older brother, Tommy.

He was the jock,

and I was the little performer.

We were all out at the zoo one day.

I was doing some acting, walking

on the railing of the gorilla exhibit.

I fell in.

Everyone screamed,

and Tommy jumped in after me,

forgetting that he had blueberries

in his front pocket.

The gorillas just went wild.

They jumped all over his body

and threw him around like a rag doll

to get to those blueberries.

One gorilla would throw him to another

gorilla, who tossed him to another.

Everyone panicked and cried out

for somebody to help,

but it was too late.

The gorillas beat him to death before

the zookeepers could gas them all.

My acting...

...got my brother killed.

I've had to live with that...

...every single day.

Gary, you can't blame yourself

for what gorillas did.

I think I can finally let it go.

Because my acting

saved the entire world.

And something

even better happened.

What?

I met somebody

who took my breath away.

Gary, no.

I'm sorry.

It's just...

Things are really complicated, Gary.

I know about Carson.

I know how it feels.

God, I'm so confused.

It's too soon to be

having feelings for you.

Maybe feelings are feelings

because we can't control them.

But I have to control them

because I can't go through losing

somebody again. It's too painful.

So... So, what, you're just

gonna shut down?

I really like you.

There's no chance

we can ever be together?

Only if you could promise me

you'll never die.

You know I can't promise that.

If you did that,

I would make love to you right now.

I promise. I will never die.

I need this, I need love

I need you

I don't need one heartbeat

I need two

There's an emptiness I need to fill

And only one emptiness will do

Only a woman

Can brighten up my day

Only a woman

Can touch me the right way, yeah

Only a woman

Is allowed to touch me there

All I ask

Is that you're a woman

All I ask

Is that you're a woman

Please just be a woman

Lisa, you're the most amazing person

I've ever met.

It's only been a short time,

but I think that I'm completely in love...

Let's not talk.

I can't help it.

This just feels so right,

and I don't want anything

to mess it up.

There's not a thing in the world

that can mess this up.

Team, I'm afraid I have bad news.

At 7:
15 this morning,

the terrorists carried out their attack.

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