Team America: World Police Page #4

- What?

- But how can that be?

Gary stopped the terrorists

in Cairo.

It appears now that

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Was wrong

about the Chechnyans

being in charge.

That was bad,

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

- Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

- I'm sorry.

We have to find out who did this

and take them down. Fast.

Sir, I am intercepting communications

about the terrorists' identities.

On screen.

This is breaking news

with Peter Jennings.

An attack in Panama today

has left thousands dead.

Taking credit were terrorists

from Derka Derkastan.

Of course, Derka Derkastan.

The terrorists claim that the attack

was a retaliation

for Team America's actions in Cairo.

Alec Baldwin is rallying all

the members of the Film Actors Guild.

- Alec Baldwin?

- Gary?

He's my hero.

The single greatest actor

of all time.

Who is to blame for these attacks

in Panama?

The terrorists?

The person who supplied them

with WMDs?

No. Blame Team America.

Their reckless disregard in Cairo

brought on this violence today.

Team America, the blood of the victims

of Panama is on your hands.

Moved by Baldwin's

impassioned speech,

hundreds of people turned out

at Mount Rushmore today to protest.

Hey, that's here.

Tom, it looks like filmmaker

Michael Moore

is also jumping on the

"F*** Team America" bandwagon.

Protesting is not enough.

We must take radical action against

the fascists in our own country.

Bring it down! Bring it all down!

Team, if the Derka Derkastanis

have weapons of mass destruction,

I'm afraid it could be

9/11 times 1,000.

- Jesus, you mean...?

- Yes.

Nine hundred and eleven thousand.

Then forget all these a**holes.

We got work to do.

Yes, let's get Gary valmorphanized

so he can use his acting.

My acting?

My acting? My acting just got

a thousand people killed.

Jesus, I've done it again.

Pull yourself together, Gary.

We need you now more than ever.

- I'm through with this.

- Gary, you can't go.

Without you, the team is doomed.

Remember, there is no "I"

in Team America.

Yes, there is.

I know it's hard, Gary.

But you're still the only hope

to stop these newer terrorists.

Why me? Why am I the only one?

Because you're the one

with the power to...

Well, I don't want the f***ing power!

I don't want the guilt,

I don't want the shame

and I don't want the responsibility.

Then what about all the things

you promised last night?

You said you'd never leave.

I said I'd never die.

But now I'm dead inside.

You slept with Gary?

- Sarah.

- But you knew I liked Gary.

I told you.

You like Gary?

Oh, I see.

- I didn't plan on it happening, Sarah.

- Save it, Lisa.

You see? All I do is hurt people.

Gary, you didn't kill your brother.

Those gorillas did.

I'm sorry I'm not the man

you think I am.

I'm just bad news.

I'll never act again.

F*** him. We don't need an actor.

We can take out

the Derka Derkastanis

the old-fashioned way.

No. It would be a suicide mission.

That's all right.

I feel a little bit like dying.

Goddamn it, Gary.

America

F***, yeah

Coming again to save

The motherfucking day, yeah

America

F***, yeah

Freedom is the only way

Yeah

Terrorists, your game is through

'Cause now you have to answer to

America

F***, yeah

America

F***

Gary! Help me!

Get this thing off of me! Gary!

All right, team.

We're nearing Derka Derkastan.

Let's get ready.

Look out! We've got terrorist aircraft.

There's only five of them, team.

This should be easy.

I've got Korean aircraft at 1 o'clock.

What are they doing here?

Shoot them down. Rike dogs.

Kim Jong II?

Why is he helping terrorists?

I've got one on my tail!

I got you, Sarah.

Bring in the submarines.

What the hell? Something's shooting

at us from the water.

- It must be a Korean sub.

- Chris, you've gotta take them out.

I'm already on it.

These guys really snuck up on us.

Yeah, there's a lot of that

going around lately.

Sarah, you know I didn't mean

to hurt you.

No, you just didn't care if you did.

Now, come on, Sarah,

that isn't fair.

Lisa can't help it

if Gary has feelings for her.

Just like nobody can help it

if you have feelings for Gary.

What is that supposed to mean?

Oh, come on, Sarah.

You mean you never realized

Joe has feelings for you?

Joe? But you're like a brother to me.

That's all I ever am. Like a brother.

It isn't fair.

Hang on, team.

Someone has broken into the hangar.

- Baxter?

- Hey, Team America.

I got something for you.

- What the hell?

- Prepare to die.

Jesus titty-f***ing...

...Christ!

Spottswoode!

Oh, my God!

No. He can't be dead.

We've lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

I repeat,

we have no I.N. T.E.L.L.I. G.E.N. C.E.

Their computers are down.

Attack!

- Sarah!

- I sense I'm going down.

Sarah! God, Chris,

you gotta help her.

I'm on it. Just hang on, Sarah.

Oh, f***, I've been hit.

Chris, come in.

- Oh, Jesus, I'm hit!

- Lisa!

- Going down.

- Goddamn it,

I'm gonna have to breach.

I'm gonna hit the water.

Missile lock. I've got missile lock.

I've gotta bail out.

Salvage their ships. If you find anyone

arive, you know what to do with them.

Terrorists on screen.

Okay, who brew up Panama Canal?

We were angry about Cairo.

Goddamn it, how many times

do I have to tell you?

You don't use the WMDs

until you see the signal.

I have worked ten years

on this pran.

It is a very precise

and a compricated pran.

I am sick of you terrorists

f***ing it up.

Now, take the weapons

where I told you

and wait for the goddamn signal

this time. Goodbye.

Why is everyone so f***ing stupid?

Why aren't more people interrigent?

Rike me?

I'm so ronery

So ronery

So ronery and sadry arone

There's no one

Just me onry

Sitting on my rittle throne

I work rearry hard

And make up great prans

But nobody ristens

No one understands

Seems rike no one

Takes me seriousry

And so

I'm ronery

A rittle ronery

Poor rittle me

There's nobody I can rerate to

Feel rike a bird in a cage

It's kind of sirry

But not rearry

Because it's firring my body

With rage

I'm the smartest, most crever

Most physicarry fit

But nobody else seems to rearize it

When I change the world

Maybe they'll notice me

And until then

I'll just be ronery

Yeah, a rittle ronery

Poor rittle me

I'm so ronery

What would you do

If you were asked to give up

Your dreams for freedom?

What would you do if asked

To make the ultimate sacrifice?

Hey, weren't you the actor

in that Broadway show?

Hey, yeah, it is you. Do that scene

where everyone gets AIDS.

I don't act anymore.

I gave that up.

- Oh, come on, man, just a scene.

- I said, get away from me!

I'm completely lost.

I've hit rock bottom.

Easy, easy.

You gotta calm down there, Chuck.

I hurt people. I'm a dick.

Well, being a dick ain't so bad.

See, there are three kinds of people:

D*cks, pussies and a**holes.

Pussies think everyone can get along

and d*cks just wanna f*** all the time

without thinking it through.

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